Part Two: A fighter to the end.

 My heroes.

I withstood six cycles of chemo,  countless Neupogen shots, fifteen rounds of radiotherapy, a mastectomy and fourteen hour reconstructive surgery and nine months of having little amount of hair…almost bald.

He stood by me at the moment of pain and agony, pale, thin and sickly regardless of stuff I had to go through, pretending he didn't smell the puke in my hair ( when I still had hair during my first  chemo treatment). He was there always ready to catch me when I fall, buying tons of books and other reading stuff that helps me ease the unbearable pain and depression I have to go through.

He was then a sweetheart, a best friend who a few months later was betrothed to me but was living hundreds of km away. He had to run to be by my side when my condition becomes severed and ugly. He has become an expert at recognizing signs of sickness and catching it in a bag—a useful skill when I puked my guts out.

A year later I was his bride, the most beautiful woman in the world through his eyes regardless of my newly grown GI hair on my head and one breast bouncing and the prospect of never being able to have any children.

He is my number one HERO!!!

The countless hospital trips he had to make, spending the nights on the hard hospital chairs, placed two chairs facing each other so he could stretch his legs, day after day. Any other man would have run off with another pretty young thing.. And any other future-mother-in-law would have encouraged the son to flee...but not his mom.

The next HEROES, Marz my collegue who visited me often, brought me all kind of stuff while she got nothing in return from me. In fact, I even offended her, refusing her visit with stupid excuses when in fact I was resting at home.

It is difficult to explain when sometimes I didn't want to see anyone but at other times, I craved for the need of a companion. I was a complete wreckage, not knowing how and what to feel about everything, anything. 

Nina is a good support with her visits whenever she was home on holidays and the countless phone calls, asking how I was and every detail of my treatment. Whenever she was away working overseas her emails were my constant companion. Her love life was a sad one though.

My dad despite his own high blood pressure, diabetes and heart disease, visited whenever I was in the ward with my stepmom being his loyal driver and companion. There were times I had to lie to them about going for CAT scans or MRIs during visiting hours so they won’t come to visit.

They have done so much for me, nobody had ever wanted to know them. They did what they did because that's who they are: people who care about others, people with honest, sincere hearts, people who are in the real sense of the word, HEROES.

They are my heroes

Many thanks to  all the doctors, nurses and specialist…

Part one: A fighter to the end.

Cause of alarm

Alhamdulillah.

I am still alive today and doubtlessly thankful for that. After months of struggling with chemotherapy, radiotherapy and surgery, I fought death to live more years. I have had so much general anaesthetic (sleep inducing or numbing drug) that I can’t remember my husband’s hand phone number anymore. 

The side effect of acquiring three dosage of GAs during surgeries resulting me to be in severe confusion and in a state of memory lost. The latest GA which lasted fourteen hours put me in a blurry, delirious and even more forgetful condition.

At work, I can’t seem to remember what my staff have to submit and when. Datelines are more like deadlines and I suddenly becoming careless and feeling more useless in the office. Thanks to my immediate superior and staffs for their cooperation and understanding and to friends who supported me morally all through these years.

This lousy memory lost is becoming a big problem to me. Sometimes, my staff would handed in work I didn't remember assigning. It happened several times latest was last Monday...she was a trainee under my guidance

"Since I was busy helping you with the audio visual in the studio and all, will you excuse me from submitting my magazine advert today?" she asked.

Then it dawned on me that I had asked her to produce a magazine advertisement a few days ago, which she had to hand in later in the evening. TODAY!

"When is the meeting?”, I calmly answered,  I absolutely forgotten that it was her due that day.

10 minutes passed...

"Meeting is in two days. Puan"

" I'm still thinking about it".

I was on a web search, engrossed in work when she asked me referring to the same advert, persistent to the point of irritation. Fuming, I told her all reports should be on my table by 7pm today.

She appeared with her report promoting…...  that I didn't bother to check.

"What's this?"

Of course, after eight years in the profession I know exactly how to cover up my mistakes.

"That advert fails to entice me. See, it doesn't have…. it's too expensive...blah...blah...blah...”

It was my mistake.
 

One late evening in early October Mr. Hubby came to visit in the ward with a bouquet of red roses in a basket of fruits top with my favorite chocolates and butter cookies. A little card inserted at a side.

Astonished as curiosity overwhelmed me he hugged me tight, a brief kiss landed on my forehead as he whispered lovingly…

“ Happy Anniversary Sayang”

Bewildered, I'm not sure if I got married in October or November!

My forgetfulness.

Hey!! I am thirty one not sixty one…..

 

A fighter to the end...

The last time we met and actually spoke to each other was a few years ago. It was a long teary conversation and I can still remember we were hugging and crying as she determinedly told me that she will bravely give it a fight. 

She did and was able to move on got married and gave birth to two kids. Now it saddens me to think of them growing up without her around anymore.

October 18 at 2.00pm.  The last sms I sent her asking if she was still warded                                                                                                                                                                                        “I am warded! I have a tube poking through my lungs and my white blood count is low” was her last sms I got from her.

She had given birth to a son hardly a month ago that her cancer returned and spread to one of her lungs..

I didn’t even get to speak to her on the phone and the last call I made was before I left for SB. but she couldn’t speak to me since she was in a chemo session. I did ask to visit but she told me to wait till she was feeling better. Understandable, but I feel a tinge of regret.

October 22 at 6.00pm. What a day to know about her passing, a few hours after touchdown. Sue called to confirm and Marz was first to alert me. But I had a few meetings to attend before I could catch the next flight home,

A fighter to the end was her last entry on her blog dated October 21. I cried buckets when I read through her private blog..

In one message she wrote that I should seriously write. I take it as a challenge. It’s time to write her stories. Her fight against breast cancer.

Semuga suami arwah redha dan tabah menghadapi ujian ini. 

Ahhaaa...haa..haaa

“You are very attractive, but even if you were to go into a bar and siting there alone I don’t think many guys will approach you. There’s something about you that is stopping guys from doing that”

Hmmmmmm…..

I was a bit shy as a kid, read a lot and kept diaries since I was 12. I don’t keep much inside and I guess that won’t change much.

However, being told that I’m difficult to approach by few guys since I started working was a bit disturbing, especially when one of them is a close friend, Mich who gave the above analogy.

Maybe the “Do Not Disturb” sign is there clearly stuck on my forehead.

Still, it does not explain why I always get the weird ones trying to chat me in either real or cyber world. ;)

I have been told in the past that I seem stand-offish around strangers but it’s actually the shyness be revealed. There were times when I wished I had talked to people I thought were interesting but was afraid they’d prefer the company of others.

Ah……. I am who I am.

Go figure....

At least five people have sent me invites to be on Twitter and a couple more have been telling me I should  twitt.. Mich said it’s a very convenient way for him to track his friends, since he is out of the country most of the time and not able to keep in touch as often as he would like to. 

I told him that I “don’t want to be tracked.” 

His reply: “You don’t want to be tracked but you have a blog huh?

I should have said I don't want to be tracked down by trolls and people I don’t wish to meet. 

Have I told you I’m not a “people person”?

That’s just me. I’m not very good at interacting with people. Still, I don’t have to socialize with those I do work with. No need for small talks. Someone said I’m good with the older folks. I guess I am. Still, not all the time. Ask my brothers, they’d tell you horror stories.

I’m shy actually. Really. I can’t even tell a guy to his face that I like him. 

I have a blog “mostly to avoid having to deal with people in real life.

Don't settle for anything less

Death. It’s the only certain thing in life but we just don’t know when. But I treat it like it is a long way ahead, waiting for me patiently. Maybe it won’t. 

Since I’m unable to say that I care so much about YOU, it hurts.

I should keep it buried inside and that no good will come out of re-living the past. I deserve to be happy.

I can’t seem to settle down anywhere.

Don’t settle for anything less. I’m trying hard not to.

I want the world for you....

I am looking at photos in my gallery some old, some new but holding significant to events of  yesteryears I was not able to recall but still feel connected  ….what with the addition of two more babies in the family unit in couple of months .

It’s not wrong to reminisce but I guess I don’t like to look back so much now, to think of what I used to do or what kind of person I used to be, remembering those so close to my heart. Because I can’t go back, I can only move forward with little baby step at a time. I can’t survive on just memories…… 

                                                                        Amanda

Memories.........
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then? 
Or has time re-written every line? 
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we? 
Memories, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were.

Restlessness has returned, making me feel like I’m entitled to more……..

I want the world for you.

I miss the sea...

Could we consider learning about another person’s bad traits an educational stuff?, Still there is always two sides to the story.  He can be a flirt but at the same time an able human resource manager.  There is still much to learn about human nature and how we could readily accept people the way they are..

Hovering on the surface and trying not to delve deeper into the mind of him is frustrating.  There are boundaries I must observe, which kinda sucks.  I know how thin the line is between wrong and right, how murky grey it could be when people’s lives are involved.  I am already starting to regret it but am sticking to my decision for now.

I have to be professional without being emotional in my dealings.  It should not be a big deal since there is a huge body of water separating us.  I just need to remember my stand every time I reach for the phone.

I’m sometimes surprised at my constant need to be near the sea and how I’d still want to set out sailing.   I miss the sea, even when it is hostile, even when it looks like it could swallow me whole..

A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing-Quoted.

Do you think....

Fate and destiny. Terms Mr. Paul Coelho uses in his books but when it comes to my own life, I feel like a pawn in a doomed chess game.

I am NOT my father. That’s a fact but I have to keep reminding myself that I am my own person, but my path was fated to follow somewhat a similar pattern. It’s something I am not at all pleased to note because I could be spared of the comparisons people make.

Life for me has not been too hard but it has never been simple, even when I try to untangle the strings.

Do you think about whether it is worth all the trouble you have to go through to get it? Or, like me, do you change your mind every other day?

Do you think we tend to like people who don’t really like us?

A good friend posed that question a couple of days ago. I guess we do have that tendency to want someone who does not want us back, at least I do. That sense of being connected but not really. If I think about it long enough, my hair will be white like Andersen Cooper’s in no time.

Screw ups are part of life but it still gets to me, especially when on the rare occasion I dared to be optimistic. I really shouldn’t care too much

It was a battle for us...

So many unexpected events took place since I came back home, June . If you were guessing how am I dealing with them all... then I'm good. 

Alhamdullillah in every way.

You can say I'm busy attending interviews since a month ago and now I am employed by another big corporation based in Sri Begawan. It's not an easy decision to make since I love my previous job....so much.

I prepared and mailed a series of hateful emails for my last day. Maybe for some it was a hateful one but I'm not doing it purposely to invent a group of enemies.... hopefully it will open up the boss's eyes. If failed, looks cute to me since I'm already out from there. 

However, I did receive some grateful notes on the email. They liked it! O la la... being outspoken is not good in some ways, but it has some advantages.

In two weeks I will be attached in a new company.  And in this particular month I lost my mother-in-law. She was having regular fever and admitted in a private hospital.. Even though it's normal for her to be warded, but this time round she was admitted in HDU. Doctor couldn't find the exact cause why she was having the fever and her left hand was swollen on her last day with us and she was having difficulty in breathing too. 

The scenes on that particular morning when I last visited her was still playing in my memory over and over again. She was unconscious then. We weren't expecting that she'll be gone forever. Zoul was the last person talking to her when she finally opened her eyes for the last time that morning after an hour I left the hospital. I was sleeping soundly when I finally received that one particular call I hated to receive from BIL.

 Ibu,semoga roh ibu dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan di kalangan mereka yg beriman.
Amin. Al-Fatihah.

The post-gone of my mother-in-law started during Aidiladha. Zoul couldn't come to his senses that ibu has left him for good. I was battling with him so that he will not be drifted away too far. 

And  Alhamdullillah, he came back to be himself.

It hurts.

My mind being a bit numb now, couldn't think what to do. It's just like an auto flow of memory that keeps on playing again and again in my head but all these reminded me of the masks that I'm wearing or more like I have to wear each day. 

I am putting up a brave, happy, nothing happen and all sorts of face masks to hide the deepest feeling inside me. It's not the sad, pity me or that sort of face mask. But then again, emotion shows till blue in the face through penetrating look deep into the eyes. We can't lie what we are actually feeling deep inside if someone were to look at you straight in the eyes, Eventually he/she will tend to ask, tell me what happen. 

You'll not hesitate to spill everything out even jeopardizing your dignity to your best friend by telling the whole story from A to Z. And being a good listener, she/he will try to help you in anyway.   

In my case, I would rather keep it silence. I avoid eye contact constantly, avoiding casual talk with everyone as I don't think I'm ready enough to tell the truth. Nothing but the whole truth. Until then I will keep this a silence,  

I'm not expecting you to understand what I'm writing. Its just a reminder  of what I am going through now. 

And yes..........

It hurts. 

Ibu telah pergi....

Satu tarikh yang mnyedihkan  tercatat dalam hidup kami….ibu kembali temui pencipta.. Riwayat kehidupan dan pengakhir ibu kini telah termaktub menjadi sejarah untuk kami semua.

Bukan repekan.

Masa aku single pernah aku  terfikirkan apa perasaan bila ibu mertua pergi. Adakah sama rasanya seperti perasaan ketika ibu sendiri pergi?

Aku mula mengenali dan memanggil arwah 'Ibu'  hampir enam tahun, Sejak itu hubungan arwah dengan aku amat baik sekali hingga kini  walau aku baru menjadi anak menantunya lapan bulan lalu.

Tiap kali on a same assignment, Zoul akan kata, “Ini kiriman ibu untuk kita kongsi bersama” Mengingatnya kembali perasaan saya jadi sayu dan hati kecil saya kini berkata. “Memang orang baik mati cepat

Semacam satu musim sekarang ini aku rasakan,”musim kematian” Sejak akhir2 ini beberapa kalangan kawan-kawan dan saudara mara yang lebih senior telah pergi secara tiba-tiba. Mereka yang pergi sangat baik hati dan akhlaknya. Ini membuat aku tertanya-tanya kenapa orang baik mati cepat.

Aku teringat membaca hadis mengatakan ilmu diangkat dengan kematian para ulama dan bukan ulama juga ramai orang yang baik-baik.

Tapi benarkah orang jahat lambat mati? Agak sukar  untuk menentukan seseorang itu baik atau jahat.Mungkin ada sebab-sebab lain yang membuat kita merasakan orang baik cepat mati dan orang jahat lambat mati.

Orang baik cepat mati mungkin kerana kita masih belum puas dan masih terus mendamba kebaikannya itu walau seribu tahun lagi. Kita tidak mahu dia cepat pergi meninggalkan kita membawa bersama kebaikan-kebaikan yang ada dalam jiwa mereka.

Jelaslah di sini kenapa kita merasakan orang jahat mati lambat atau lambat mati kerana untuk kita mengenal dan merasakan kejahatan itu selama satu hari bagi kita sudah terasa sangat lama.Bukan kerana usia mereka yang panjang atau pendek tetapi kejahatan mereka itu amat meresahkan dan menjemukan orang yang masih hidup  membuat kita merasakan orang jahat mati lambat.

Tapi yang mengharukan aku bila melihat anak-anak dan cucu arwah masing-maing berganding bahu melancarkan urusan sedangkan kenduri kahwin yang lepas-lepas pun tak semua tolong turun padang. Bila ibu pergi semuanya ingin terlibat membantu apa yang perlu. 

Penghormatan untuk arwah ibu yang paling disayangi.

Malam tadi kami bertahlil untuk ibu lagi. Urusan ibu telah kamilaksanakan sebaik-baiknya. Zoul telah rename fb  arwah dan remove semua gambar seperti yang diminta arwah ibu pada anak bongsu lelaki kesayangan ibu.

Semuga ibu aman di sana.

Ke Makam Bonda ~ Usman Awang

Kami mengunjungi pusara bonda

Sunyi pagi disinari suria
Wangi berseri puspa kemboja
Menyambut kami mewakili bonda

Tegak kami di makam sepi
Lalang-lalang tinggi berdiri
Dua nisan terkapar mati
Hanya papan dimakan bumi

Dalam kenangan kami melihat
Mesra kasih bonda menatap
Sedang lena dalam rahap
Dua tangan kaku berdakap

Bibir bonda bersih lesu
Pernah dulu mengucupi dahiku
Kini kurasakan kasihnya lagi
Meski jauh dibatasi bumi

Nisan batu kami tegakkan
Tiada lagi lalang memanjang
Ada doa kami pohonkan
Air mawar kami siramkan

Senyum kemboja mengantar kami
Meninggalkan makam sepi sendiri
Damailah bonda dalam pengabadian
Insan kerdil mengadap Tuhan

Begitu bakti kami berikan
Tiada sama bonda melahirkan
Kasih bonda tiada sempadan
Kemuncak murni kemuliaan insan
~Usman Awang

Blank

The whole day today that was taxing my mental, physic and spirit.

It came back blurry…..

2.00 am got a call from my bro in law…..Ibu suffered shortness of breath and in a critical condition in a private hospital in KT. I packed immediately, tossed everything into the boot, hauled the kids from their rooms and strapped them to the back seats and away we went straight to KT. I was speeding like a bullet train accompanied by a collection of rock music at full blast volume to keep me awake.

6.00am…. I reached the hospital. Ibu was under life support basically unconscious since warded. Droves of closed family members were already there. BIL played host at the waiting room.

 6.30am…..Her heart rate increases a bit, so we prayed she would open her eyes soon. I decided to check in Sri Malaysia so that the kids and I could have a good sleep. Their daddy arrived at the hospital an hour after we left.

9.00 am…. I continue to sleep hugging my tummy and begging God the Almighty…..kids mama gonna have a busy day ahead. Puteri and Putera were out for breakfast with their dad and off to the hospital.

2.00 pm…. Received THE call. Alfatihah bu. Rushed helter skelter to SIL’s house.  (ahli keluarga sedang mandikan jenazah) and in time for the solat. Papa too just arrived from KL.

4.00 pm….. burial. I stayed back.

8.00pm….We did tahlil, the first of the three nights.  We estimated 200 people. There were more than 300 that came for the tahlil. Needless to say, we have a food shortage since we use the catering service for tahlil.

Our celebrity chef from Perak took over for a stretch of added menu of canned tuna, egg curry, rice, fried veges, salted eggs all in the spot. Some even went back tak makan. Rezeki arwah ibu, ramai yang datang nak tahlil untuk dia.

Ayah’s unshed tears kill me inside. I’m in a dilemma now….should I drive to KLCC with a heavy heart for Igem tomorrow?

Blank.

"How old Min"

Last week, I went for a meeting on behalf of my boss (husband). In the boardroom there were six of us. The chairman, suddenly and unusually, startled us by asking us Muslims to offer a short prayer and recite Al Fatihah for the passing of one member’s son recently.

I asked then, “How old, Min?

She looked straight into my eyes and said “He was eight”

I felt my heart shattered watching her with all her calmness in admitting and explaining in detail to us how it all started with a fever, later common strep, went viral attacking the brain which then leads him into a coma with ADAMs. (In non medical term which is quite similar to meningitis, but not the same).

I valiantly kept back my tears. I am a mom, any such heart breaking news as this would instantly trigger an exceptionally detailed simulation with “what if this happened to Sarah or Billi”  Tried acting very professional, we continued with the subject in hand.

I can’t help myself stealing glances at her and wondered what is on her mind right then. She successfully portrayed that seemly cool exterior. No matter how much glitter she was wearing on her hands and ears can’t absolutely mask the hurt she must have felt deep in her heart. If it was me, I don’t think I would be able to function much even after a year or more.

Life must go on. Wept for the loss, but always continue to love and cherish what we now have.

There are other souls depending on you.

I never meant to mock you....

I created one fb account mainly to find a friend, an old friend but in the cause of doing so I gained more new friends and a few more old friends into the list and with old friends we managed to catch up anything we left behind years ago besides gossiping.

Of course I stalk a few (consistently of three teenagers a boy and two girls) but suddenly I started not to get notifications, got a few headaches namely cat fights and stuffs like that, over-stalking, over-reacting, not to mention the time I spent on it, chewed my precious time of which I should have been spending on something more beneficial (with putera and puteri) and now what?!

I lost all my picture albums and my patience is wearing thin.

The last straw, I lost the trust of someone who means the world to me. My bad, my fault , I am quoting him “forgiving someone is easy but being able to trust them again is totally a different story”.

There goes...

I know, I was never courteous but I definitely knew how to, when the situation needs me to be one. I was brought up with good values too and I shed all of my courtesy when the situation forces me to do so.

I will never give you the definite definition to define me. You can never scrutinize me as being a this or a that because I'll change and manipulate every minute of the chance I got.  I have an alter ego and you CAN NEVER KNOW WHO I REALLY AM. NEVER.

I am never to be understood. The more you attempted to, the more you got tangled in your own web of curiosity. I preferred to be hidden.  I do not like my alter ego being revealed or discovered. IF you do not want to get hurt, get to know me from the outside only. I am simply what you see I am.  

Please, my alter ego needs privacy too.

And I never meant to mock you.

Andai ku bisa....

Writing has been my passion, the solace I used to seek when I find myself drowning in a tide of troubles /sadness and misery that come knocking unexpectedly.

I have been spilling out all my inside, venting every bit of my anger on the net, how could I ever forget there exists such place of which I could write.

A page for me to write which does not have feelings like human does. It does not have humane flaws and above all, it doesn't judge.

"Andai kan ku bisa lebih adil, pada cinta kau dan dia"

Of two passions?

How do I put this into words.  Let's just say….. stars too, do collide in their aligned manner in the constellation. Fate and destiny too, are not spared.

This has to be the toughest decision; Ever!

People come and go, Nina…..

are you flying ?

There are few questions that might be asked when you check-in before boarding. These following questions could be used as guide when packing and getting ready to travel by air.

Common questions airline personnel might ask you when you check in are as follows:

a) Are these your bags and did you pack them yourself?
Reason: If you admit these bags are yours and declared that you pack them yourself , indirectly it means that every single item in the bags are yours.

b) Are these bags always been in your possession since you packed them?
Reason: We should all be worried about our own bags. Let say if you go to the toilet, where do you leave the bags? If you not careful, someone in your absence might take advantage to put you in trouble by putting in illegal stuff without your knowledge!

c) Do you know the contents of your own bags?
Reason: It is to caution you that if you had left your bag unattended earlier, there are possibilities your bags been tampered.

d) Are you carrying anything for anyone else?
Reason: Did you watch Bridget Jones Diary when she was caught at the security/immigration for carrying dopes ? It wasn’t hers but her girlfriend’s but since it was in her possession, it is considered as her belonging. Make sure you know what you  carry in your bags

e) Is there any flammable or dangerous items in your bags such as lighter or matches?
Reason: You are allowed to carry these items but it  must be with you i.e. in your jeans/trousers pockets. These items fall into the list of Dangerous Goods Regulation. They could cause spontaneous combustion. If collecting match boxes is part of your hobby (matches provided in hotel rooms where you been staying), for safety reason, these items are not allowed to be checked in or kept in your hand luggage. It might start a fire even if you think it is safe for it to be in your luggage!!

f) Do you have any liquid, aerosol or gel items in containers more than 100ml in your hand luggage?
Reason: Under the Liquid, Aerosol, Gel requirements for international travels, you are not allowed to bring more than 100ml content. At the security check, the security officers will ask you to throw it in the bin. You might have an expensive bottle of lotion or hair gel in your hand luggage. And this would be a waste if you are asked to throw it.

g) Do you have any sharp items such as knife-like objects, scissors and equivalent in your hand luggage?
Reason: These items will be confiscated at the security check. What I personally experienced, the officers were curious when they saw my usb thumbdrive (my trip to Africa) maybe they have not seen that before and they held me for about half an hour for clarification.

Some airlines would ask all of these questions and some would ask few question upon checking in.
We should all be more concern and aware of the safety and security of travelling by air. It is different from travelling by road.

Being 30,000 feet above, we would want to arrive safe  and avoid hassle at the security check and I hope the tips would be a help.

'hate mail'

I usually am affected by insults and criticism but of late I will auto- switch insults into opportunities for me to improve myself. Those comments somehow made me realized how imperfect I am in the eyes of others. 

No matter what is said and done I choose to turn the other cheek, because that is what princesses like me love doing. I am not allowing anyone to pull me down.

"Tears of pain, tears of joy

One thing nothing can destroy

Is our pride, deep inside

We are one."

(The Lion King 2 - We Are One)

I can only please a person a day and I choose to please myself..........everyday.

And yesterday I got an anonymous 'hate mail'.( if I could call it such.)

Quoted: "Yo sister ko boley turunkan ego dan stop berasa diri ko terhebat di dunia. 

A piece of advice, don’t give people a reason to hate you. 

This is from someone who once respected you.."

To the anonymous, if you're reading this, thank you.. 

Thanks, for ruining my mood and appetite. 

Thanks for making me feel like crying and giving me the perfect reason to go back home for the night. 

Thanks for giving me the reason to treat myself to two slices of Chocolate Molten cake. 

Thanks for giving me the reason to glue myself in the library. 

Thanks for showing me who my true friends are. 

Thanks for being honest, although not completely honest. 

And thanks a lot, for pointing out my flaws.

I'm not perfect and there're still lots I need to improve on. 

I know, I have a high ego, a bad temper and I can be a pain in the ass all times.

But I'm improving....

I have hurt people around me in real and virtual. 

I'm truly sorry. It was purely unintentional. I would never want to hurt ANYONE. 

If I have offended  ANYONE with my words, my actions or my attitude I'm truly sorry.

To my dear Anonymous (I've lost count to how many of you out there), thank you for the 'constant reminders'. I am so blessed to have you in my circle.

Peace no war

*I hope u r happier Am

Thanks readers....

My journey to become who I am now was full of hurdles and bumpy as I go around every turn and corners. I had people criticizing every decision I made, pulling me downhill most of the time. But the support and encouragement that I got from my closest friends and family have been keeping me strong and I could walk my life held my head high. 

Their support is the strength I needed to pursue most of my dreams. They helped me realized my passion, exerting strength I needed to strive to achieve my goals. 

Without them, I would be nowhere and I would't be here at all.

I had always imagined my whole life as vast as the oceans spreading miles and miles into the unknown. Watching millions species of fish and other aquatic organisms which are still unknown of their existence to us.

My dream since I was little is to catch the biggest fish in the ocean. To achieve, I know, I would need - a sturdy fishing rod, a strong fishing line, and a good bait. 

This is an analogy of my life. My supportive family members act as the rod, giving me support and encouragement, whereas my friends become the line, helping me to reach far beyond my dreams. The bait, on the other hand, represents the effort and hard work that I need to put in to achieve my goals.

This blog is a major breakthrough for me in my dream to become a famous writer. Since I am thinking of taking a sixteen months break from my engineering work I wish to write more often here.

Thanks readers....whoever you are..