A happy and blessed Ramadhan, everyone!

When Ramadhan comes, grandma will always make sure that she makes starters and desserts to accompany the main meal of iftar. She was younger then and had not experienced knee problems yet and  she had Auntie Fiz and Auntie  Az to help her too (my two unmarried aunties who were staying with her). So in a household of three women, you can imagine what good food I enjoyed.

The best thing was the exchange of kuih / lauk / starters with the neigbours. And I was the despatch girl ( i was eight yrs old),  delivering grandma’s treats  to our neighbours and they  in returns will "exchange" it with something of theirs. And I know who the best cook in our neighborhood back then.

We usually have about 8 different offerings from 8 different households!

There was no need for a Bazaar Ramadhan.

This Ramadhan , life would be different for us. Opah passed away on April 17^th nearly a month after I left for work. I promised her I will come home on time for Ramadhan and we shall celebrate Shawal together. But Allah knows what’s  best for her…..Al-fatihah…

Two days ago I was  mixing when Zul came to me and said, " I called your mom .  Your grandma had a fall."

And I went, "Oh. OK". The mixing didn't stop. No….that's certainly not a way to respond  when you received bad news  of your loved one .

My emotion failed to surface almost immediately. I was experiencing the Delayed Telecast Syndrome this time round. Opah just died two month ago…,,would grandma leave before I get home too? I had no immediate reaction. The worse the news is, the less I reacted to it lately.

I  was fine as hell and I slept well that night. The next morning I was sobbing alone in my cabin.

Knowing me…..In hindsight, Zul decided to stay close  and we were lifted off Dugong Island just after breakfast.

"I slept with my grandma until I was twelve." There it was, my Delayed Emotional Telecast with tears coming down my cheek  again as we arrived on mainland . We flew back home with the rest of the team late that evening.

My grandma. ……..

She is a lot of things to me, a mother, a friend, a confidante, the one who spoils me rotten. For someone her age, she's  very open-minded. I was afraid of breaking her heart when I got divorced. But instead she was the one who consoled me, "You don't need to please everyone in life, you must always remember that," she said, while stroking my hair. I heaved many sighs of relief in her presence...

Her reaction was a stark contrast to  mom's.


I miss my grandma terribly. And to know she is sick ….. will she die too and leave me as opah did nearly three months ago?
I didn't make it for opah’s funeral. I didn't get to see her for the last time, and bid that forever  farewell. But I  remembered the smile on her  face before I left for Nha Trang.


Alhamdulillah…..Earlier this morning….we left for Kuantan……I kissed both grandma’s cheeks as she smile up at me and squeeze my hands……

A happy and blessed Ramadhan, everyone!

I will be back....

Assaults from enemies could be hurtful but these kind of assaults are half-expected so you won't take them too hard. Definitely you will get angry, but no deep emotional scars left as you nurse your wound, rebuild your strength and get your feet strongly on the ground again ready to be a charging bull for the next fighting round.What else can be expected from them, your enemies??

The worse type of assaults are those that come from people you trusted, those you so called friends. These are the people you would trust and share your thoughts and inspirations with. They know your weaknesses the most. You put out no barriers to protect youself against them so when they backstab you, you're like being attacked unguarded ... and it hurts deeply.

I have lost my fighting spirit, my passion.. 

But being half a descendant of warriors (and pirates). So I am not going to let my ancestors down by being a coward.

For now, I need some space to think things through and I need to search for that fighting spirit again... 


As Mr Terminator would say.... 'I'll be back!"

 

I hesitate to write.....

Am: 'it' tu apa dia ya? (What do you mean by 'it'?)

Me: the fun of observin ...

Am: observing people?

Me:  peeps who are interested in you

Am:  hahaha........

Me:  hehehe…I cud blog on you and your  trails of admirers

Am: hahaha…trails???

Me: I am serious Am

Am: macam heritage trails pulak (it sounds like the heritage trails..)

Me: tak  kira la ape pun...but m 100% sure about that girl.

(It doesn't matter what..i am 100% sure about that girl)

Am: that girl interested kat saya sbb saya pegang ..bla bla…bla

Me: so.. boley la tulis luv story camni.(so can I  write a love story on you both) 

Do you know who she is...?

Am: tulis love story pasal kita lagi berpaedah 

(it's more favorable if you write about our love story)

Me: will u let me?

Am: sure sayang...tulis la (sure dear...go right ahead)

Me: i hesitate to write abt us because my followers are your friends too

Am: macam2 la sayang ni… tulis jer ...(Dear....write it up)

Me: betol?

Am: Hmmm....

Ouchhhh !!  

hahaha....it's always been you...

                                                                                                                                                                                                        

What Happiness means.....

  

Whether or not we have problems, time dutifully goes on, never miss even a tick for us to ponder and take our own leisure period to settle them. Whatever time we still have, we should allocate them wisely as in surah Al-Asr which keeps reminding us the value of time. I would soon be approaching 30 in not so many years left (3 years). Time flies, a cliche yes, but it really does.

And time is all we have for each other. The time that was spent together with so much fun and happiness as children and passed through our adulthood. When I emailed Adik how he felt first day at work (he started work Monday) his answer was, “I am very happy, sis” and despite all craziness, all madness and the rat race life of the world around us – we still have hope on happiness. That we are able to know what happiness means. To feel total joy and satisfaction.

This means a lot to me......

And congratulation to my dearest brother upon finishing his studies and is now absorbed into the medical team of the KKM  as a PHYSIO THE RAPIST. Hahahaha........

(he was a JPA scholarship holder and have to serve the government hospital for the next four years as a physiotherapist)

Children will grow up, enter adulthood in all their wide-eyed innocence but in due time they will experience many things: good, bad, happy and sad.

My thought runs to Billi, of  course, as a single mom my hope and prayers he will be safe and protected, and will only experience the good and positive things. I am sure that was the same hope and prayers my own parents had for me.

But, I have experienced excruciating pain and sadness that no one could understand nor could anyone do anything about it. But – what kept me going were the remote memories of a happy life I had. What happiness really means to me. And I knew that the sad and painful phase I was going through was just a phase. That it would soon go away while the memories stay. What happiness really was is my benchmark of what I need to feel once again.

Its a cycle, all these disappointments, sadness are life experiences; I hope and pray Billi  need not have to go through ( in cases of the will of Allah) I hope that he will remember what happiness really means and that happiness is a RIGHT to each and every one of us.

And having said that, I am arriving at the peak of my own thoughts of what my own happiness is about in all honesty.

It's Sunday....

I was fast asleep on the sofa in my office when I suddenly felt Zul tapping on my shoulder.

Zul : Nin, where are the reports ?

Me : Huhh?! (In my "mamai" mode, rubbing my eyes as I looked out, I could feel the breeze blowing softly inside my room) Hmm…... What's the time Zul?

Zul : It's 7 o'clock.

Me : 7?! (Panic mode!) Huhh?!! Why do you need the report for ? Why are you still here. We are suppose to attend a meeting right?

Zul: I need to …..bla bla

Me : (Angry mode) You should read the report ealier… It's already 7 o'clock, Zul! Kenapa tak siapkan semua semalam?! (why don’t you get things ready yesterday?) I always told you to get things ready the night before. We'll be late for the meet! 

Zul : (Puzzled mode) Errrr...? That's why I am asking for the reports now….if we need to beat the time….

Me : It's already 7 o'clock,Zul! Mana Adel? (Where's  Adel?)

(Started feeling puzzled as to why Adel is still not here. OMG ….aku belom solat subuh….)

Zul : Errr...Adel gone for his dinner

DINNER??????

I slowly looked out again, and around the room and suddenly it dawned on me and I realized that it was 7:00pm SUNDAY and NOT 7:00am MONDAY!

Me : (Feeling guilty for raising my voice at him) Errrr.... All my keys are in the two pouches in my handbag and the reports in my work bag.

Zul : Errr, ok Hon... Thanks... (With a puzzled look on his face)

MORAL OF THE STORY - DO NOT SLEEP DURING LATE EVENING!! IT HAS BEEN YEARS SINCE I LAST DID! 

HEHEHE... :)))

I am so sorry Zul….

The beautiful monkey in me......

Papa, mama, Along and I would laze at TB Lumut beach nearly every evening after pa & ma got off work. Along was then twelve years old and I was ten. I still remember this conversation we had while papa drove us home from the beach late one evening

Me : Mama…..Along has got stuff on his face .

Ma : Stuff? What stuff?

(puzzled she turn around to look at Along)

Ma : Oh, that’s facial hair. Not that much and not clearly seen either,.

Me : He is reaching puberty Ma… hahaha!

At this point, Along butted in -

Along : Next year ... (with his usual muka selamba) :)

Papa looked at ma, and we looked at Along and all of us started laughing!

hahahahahahahaha!!! 

Ma: I guess Along will grow strands of hair here and there on certain part of his face particularly on the ear part… just like papa.

Pa: haha…. That’s my son.

Ma: Yes dear sexy monkey!!

We start laughing again louder than before…….…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Mama used to call pa her sexy monkey…..They have lots of fun monkeying with each other till to these days, through thick and thin for thirty one years of living in partnership. They still walk  holding each other’s hand….each time firmer than before, I guess even after countless screams and tears…….




MY PAPA AND MAMA IN THE EARLY 90s.....

 

I could possibly look like this cute little lady M…..if they really monkeyyying during their monkey bizznezz to bring me to this world…..

                                           Look at my sexy, pretty eyes.....I got them from mama....

One more............

                                    I told you....I got mama's beautiful eyes don't I?.

…….and you readers out there…if u r eager to see more poses of me in my different monkey pose please visit Alfandi's Photo Rambling: Dusky Leaf Monkey.

Are You a Perempuan Melayu Terakhir..?

What kind of love, lies n betrayal are you? who is ET n is that u r a "Perempuan Melayu Terakhir (PMT)" utk "Lelaki Irish Terakhir (LIT)" by Anonymous 7 months ago

I've never been one and I don't bother to be one.  In fact I prefer not to be one and I think I'll go a gaga if I am one. Hahahah….. Gosh. I sounded like a wrecked train.

Where does the LIT  fit in then? He is not an Irishman but stayed  long enuogh in Ireland to study engineering, fell in love with a beautiful Spanish girl and they have a beautiful daughter but been searching for a PMT since they separated nearly ten years ago. When finally he found the right one ( I think she is not a PMT after all) I was asked the above question by one of his lady admirers seven months ago….

Me: My weakness is that I am not the PMT type

Zul: Why is that a weakness?

Me: Because it seems that most peeps prefer these PMT type for wives or for DIL

Zul: Why don't you be one?

Me: I do love myself for what I am and could proudly say I am not a hypocrit, but it's them who don't favor me.

Since in primary I was a bit boyish and carried on to be one during lower secondary. I never had the PMT qualities no matter how hard mama tried to groove me into one then. But I changed to a bit more lady like when I was in form four….

So, the question is….

Does that make me less Malay?

Does that make me less a lady?

Does that make me less respectful?

I've tried countless times during my 'self-discovery' period to be a PMT, walk slowly, lowering my voice when I laugh, give a one word answer and talk less. BUT I am always at my best when I could laugh my heart out when happy. I could look up, (not down) when I walk, with pride and confidence. I look into the eyes as a sign of respect when I talked. (I'm very opinionated and I”m not a one word answer type. Why should I suppress to feed the MCPs egos?).

I'm not a feminist. I don't believe in equality between genders. God purposedly made us different. Women are given this GIFT to experience carrying another life which guys can’t.

I may not be alim, but I have strong belief there are reason God's created rules. (You CAN question and it will always brings you back to the rationality of all the rules created by GOD) To me as long as I hold on to FAITH, I will be able to find my way through life.

“You belong to the bold, brave, and daring breed with a 'demure look'……”.

That's what most of my friends think of me.

What do you think?

Depression?

To those who were online with me at wee hour this morning (FB -10^th July)  would realize that I was really depressed, so sad, so down, and the most annoying part was that I was feeling that way for no apparent reason. “Some things don’t need a reason…” –  Zul.

But I guess there are actually a few explanations to my sudden plunging of emotions. I won’t go too deep of those reasons but I think some of the contributions were how I had been crying  counting down to the days when …… So, I was quite grumpy and really down.  And the thought of going back to an old habit (which I won’t tell what) flashed through my mind for a fraction of a second  but I quickly brushed the thought aside.

I sang my heart out…..Yes, that’s what I usually do when I’m sad/bored (remember that one time in Kertih) I took my car; with my loud music blaring to the maximum volume my ears could take (listening to Celine Dion CD.) I drove around and around until  I finally had no idea where else to go, I called Zul and we went up the hill to a place where Zul and I love to go to before…and obviously going there alone was not that much fun. But being there with him reminded me of the “problems” we used to have back then.

These so-called problems are only in my head. They’re not real and  after months, those “problems” seem so insignificant, so petty. Almost immediately I am back to my present situation. I am a huge believer that time heals everything. And I guess, give it time, whatever “problems” I am having now will seem petty one day…

 I listened over and over again to my favorite Britney Spears’ song from her album called “WHY SHOULD I BE SAD?” :)

I don’t need to be sad. I can CHOOSE to be happy.  I'm reminded that I need to have faith in God that everything will turn out okay in the end.  


Therefore, first of all thank you to my teman bicara hati, Naz for being there last night  and seeing KJ’s close up for the first time. Hahahaha… ( you don’t have the look of a Jagau, mind you and please dont be a Jagau in real life)

But most importantly, thank you dear God for showing me the right path over and over and over again.

And ….(do I have to write his name here?) …thank you for loving me.