And that, is the only thing I need right now.

I've been diagnosed depression before.  I hid everything and kept things bottled up inside.  That was nearly ten years ago and I guessed I was lucky because I wasn't living in Mal at that time and I had mama with me. Mama was doing her PhD then. Mich left and two months later I got married to another man.

 

The country where I lived has a very good support towards this kind of illness and I was treated and taken care of very well. Family back home wouldn’t want to believe what I was going through and were in denial most of the time. Most of my relatives thought that the depression state I was in, as they call ‘gila’  was because I was not 'kuat iman’.

 

I was sad but glad because I was very far away from them. Mama and my husband took good care of me (he was the one who took me to the GP and sent me to the counseling sessions, that was more than enough support that I needed at that time)

 

I took all those pills prescribed but I did not like the effect (I was feeling hangover), so after discussing with my GP, he stopped the pills and I had to undergo the counseling sessions with a Phy****  until the GP was satisfied with the result. 

The session was a weekly activity that I really looked forward to at that time. I learnt that I should take life one step at a time and not to look and focus too much of the future, as it may look very dark and add the depression further... it is true that this illness takes time to cure..

Alhamdulillah it took me 1 1/2 year to finally cure from the depression.... 

Mama told me not to bother on what society or others will talk about me, to hell with them... take life a small baby step at a time and don’t be afraid to fall... do not care about others feeling, care about mine first.... have courage, there was nothing to be ashamed of!!


I recovered from my depression nearly eight years ago.  Those years were blur to me now. I can’t remember faces, what I did back then, and what really happened...but I remember the fear that justified the trauma I had until today. Back then, I didn't understand what was happening to me. I thought I was just built differently from everyone else.

Even though it took years to be cured, the one thing that made it all possible, was that my determination to get better.

At first, it was just a tiny whisper but later, the intention grew stronger and took hold of me over time……I was going to have a baby.

It's true, people will not understand. It's something you have to go through yourself. They can only stay behind you, in case you collapse. 

 And that, is the only thing I need right now.

 

 

The progress

Not that anyone care but let me write.

I am feeling much better from.., was it two weeks  ago?. Sleeping is still a problem, I am now on stilnox but no more experiencing hallucination.

But.

I am still not ready to meet anyone *other than the usual people that I am currently meeting*. I am eager to blog, write and  reply emails and comments. Thanks peeps for writing them. :)

I get panic and anxious over small things –  being late, when I am alone, too many peeps crowding and loud voices. I mean not that I used to love them but it was tolerable before but now I will get this panic attack that will cause me to vomit.

Oh yes, I did, several time.

I easily lose my patience lately. I used to avoid arguments but now, there’s like fire raging.

Suicidal thoughts? Never –  good.

Tendency to hurt myself?  Sometimes – but I managed to avoid doing it.

Ok, let’s go outside and smoke.

You have a lighter please?

Ha ha ha ha……..

Aku ni memang jenis kelamkabut. ( These happened during the peak of my illness).

It was, first time that I saw an African p******trist. I was telling him about how I feel when I started crying.

He pulled out tissues from a dispenser . I don't need  toilet paper? He handed them to me.

(Aku pandang tissue tu dan muka aku mula berkerut. Tissue toilet? Kleenex tak ada ke?)

And I said, “it’s ok Doc., I have my own tissue”

(Sambil mengambil sepeket kleenex dari dalam bag aku)

The doc looked at me with a straight face…..

(Dia bagaikan berkata  “WTFFFFFFFFF? Kau tu dahla sakit, sempat lagi nak memilih!” Maksudnya, boleh tak fokus pada masalah kau dari memikirkan hal bongok seperti jenis tissue?)

Hmmmm….. what to do, that’s me.

I was also diagnosed with a stomach problem and I thought it was not that bad but Doc. didn’t think so.

(Kerana aku dah beberapa hari tak berak so he prescribed me pills and laxative. Walaupun mild, tiba-tiba aku terasa nak terkincit.)

I was already on drugs since few days, and there are bars around my bed and each time I need to use the toilet, I have to press the button to call the nurse.

(Bayangkan azabnya aku nak menahan kincit dalam keadaan high sambil menunggu bantuan nurse, aku bukan berak keras boleh tahan-tahan. Dahla tengah high, macamana nak kemut kuat-kuat).

I told the nurse I don’t want any laxative.

When she asked why, I answered..

‘I don’t want to soil my underwear!’

(Bila ingat balik terasa sangat malu tapi aku memang jenis  suka memalukan diri sendiri. Bilakah agaknya aku akan jadi seorang yang compose dan cool?)

Haihhhhh.

"Love just is."

After reading Witch of Portobello, one very important massage I got is to be true to yourself and be who you're.

As the book begins, Athena is dead and the child, Sherine Khalil renames herself Athena. She shows a strong religious vocation and reports seeing angels and saints when she was a child, which both impresses and worries her parents.

She grows into a woman in search of answers to many questions that arise within a person. She has a contented life but her mind is not at ease. So she sets out to find answers to the classical question of "Who am I?". In her quest, she opens her heart to intoxicating powers and becomes a controversial spiritual leader in London.

Now, let’s talk about love.

In a relationship we dream and plan together to make the future. There is fate and qadr, but we make the conscious choice whether it will work out or not.

When I was eighteen, Mich told me that he hoped I was his constant future. At eighteen, that sounded so brazenly romantic. I made the decision to be in his future, but decisions switched and our relationship ended. I was eighteen, young, naïve and innocent.

Life goes on. A marriage vow broken, then more promises made and broken, and few more heartbreaks. And today, I'm here making the decision to be constant again and the other half makes the same choice.

…… love just is. There is this unexplained feeling of happiness that makes me just want to smile but there are other times I feel like screaming because end of the day, he is just a man.

They do not have the capacity to really grasp the meaning of life. Or love. But you can never say that he does not care or love. He does, his own way. You just cannot expect them to love, the way women do. If you do that, you'll definitely go lesbian.... Seriously.

Love is as corny as it sounds, it's true. Ask anyone who are still together. They argue, have their share of disagreements but underneath, they always remember, they love and will not forget that day when they looked into each other's eyes, and say, you're the one for me and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Lovely isn't it?

So today, tell your partner something nice, something truthful. And if you're still on your own, no partner to mess with your head, just tell yourself something nice and truthful too...

….. love just is.

Am I love you. :-)

psssttt...... who gets to decide the Garden Wedding and a long honeymoon period anyway?

eeeeee................