Me.

You will eagerly try to re-trace your steps when you've misplaced something as it might spark any recollection of your memory to have them back and coming back to Malaysia is partly my final attempt to re-trace my steps and find "me" again. It's not uncommon for Malaysian Muslims moving abroad and they were then caught up in the secular Western life but it was the opposite for me.

I didn't truly want to understand Islam until I "found" Islam in Spain. I appreciate my faith more when I started interacting with the Muslims here. They come from various background and culture but I found it overwhelming at times when some of them ridiculously impose their tradition and culture  on me at the same time.

I am taking a step back so I could spend more time with my mom to find clues about who I am and with her I get flashbacks especially while looking through old photo albums. In order to understand myself I have to understand my roots and even though both my parents are Malaysians I am a product of a fusion of two cultures because of the way they chosen to raise us their children. It’s not a big deal but when you try to figure where you belong it gets a bit confusing, which part of me is Western and which part of me is Eastern.

Many people feel they can't be practicing Muslims because it will contradict with who they are and what their culture is but it doesn't have to be that way. I've learned that Islamic beliefs may not align with my lifestyle and I have to make adjustments not in being who I am but in the way I am living (my lifestyle). I have lived in a Western environment for many years - my family, the college and uni I attended, my present friends and  work and what I've known all my life. Asking me to omit Western influence out of my life is like asking me to ignore or remove a significant part of my identity.

Since working overseas for nearly two years ago I felt I am not completely me. It was as if I had lost a part of myself. When you're trying to become a better Muslim it's very easy to get caught up in the halal's and haram's. It’s very subconscious but also a result of people projecting their idea of the ideal Muslim woman out of me.

I miss being "me" without people judging. I understand why people have expectations of me and I'm sure most of them have the best of intentions but they don't personally know me, the life I've been through and the effort I'm making to be a better Muslim but I don't want being labeled a "religious" Muslim.

I'm Muslim. That's it.

I stumble. I make mistakes and don't always follow the "rules". I'm not the most knowledgeable but I tried and keep on trying my best to learn. I am always praying for His guidance in all of my affairs. I've come to a point where I think it's more important for me to be myself and sincere in all my efforts. I want people to relate to me as a person before they relate to me as a Muslim. None of us are going to get things right all the time. If you see any good in me then all of the credit is due to Allah and only the mistakes have been mine

I am battling my war with an inner struggle. Even the "outer struggles", hijab and wearing modest  begins with an inner struggle.  I reminded myself of Imam Suhaib Webb's words, "Better to be a sincere struggler than a fake saint”.

I'm Muslim. 

What I ought to and not what I want

Being Malay in Malaysia normally means you are born in Muslim family. My mom however only started wearing hijab full-time when she was in her late thirties and progressing to be more religious as the years passes by and she spends most of her free time now reading, reciting the Qur'an more comprehensively.

My dad a happy go lucky chap but a heavy smoker hardly missed solats keeps a barrier from most things haram. Both my brothers don't smoke, gamble or drunk were in their twenties when they became more conscientious Muslims.

For me aside from reminders by mom and my late grandmas about not missing my prayers and frequent nags about dressing decently, Islam was never forced upon me strictly.

It wasn't until I moved to Sydney for my uni level that Islam started playing a bigger role in my life .It was a completely different experience and it led me to question and think about Islam on a deeper level. I made friends and they would ask me questions about Islam and sometimes I wouldn't quite know how to respond. I felt silly not knowing the answers to some of the questions forward to me. .

Questions such as

 "Why do Muslim women cover their head and why don't you cover yours?"
"Why divorce is permitted in Islam? It's forbidden in Catholicism and that's how it should be."
"Why there is no equality between Muslim men and women?"

The same question were directed to me when I started working overseas where 95% of my co workers are non Muslims.Somehow this inspired me to learn more about Islam and in all my years of trying to become so Western, I failed to realize the beauty of my own culture and religion. 

I'd brush up on my Islamic knowledge by reading more book  about Islam by Muslims, books about Islam by Christians, books about other religion as well. I listen and watch talks by prominent Islamic scholars such as Yusuf Estes, Bilal Philips and Abdurraheem Green and documentaries about history of Islam. I watched Parables in the Quran and stairways to Paradise by Moez Masoud., 

  

 I still hold on strongly to my Malay tradition and I may not be the best Muslim but I am grateful my faith stronger and my life is a jihad against my nafsus and it is important for me to recognize the true meaning of freedom ie the ability to do what I ought to and not what I want to. 

Muslim ladies in fashion

I was having dinner when I felt like someone was watching me from across our table. A young guy had his camera phone raised up high. Was he recording me?.

 "Maybe he's just playing a game on his phone," I said to myself. The girl sitting next to him (I presume she is his sister because they look alike) kept looking at his phone and then staring at me while giggling. 

"Hey I think he's recording me. Can you please do something about it?" I told Zul..

" What do you expect me to do? As long as he doesn't try to touch you I can't do anything about it," he exclaimed.

Erggg… This one is a complete weirdo!

When I was on Arab land (Middle East) I found men gawking and leering more often compared when I am elsewhere. Please don’t get me wrong because I am not the kind of lady who thinks men are so crazy about me. I don’t like them staring and I will immediateIy make an exit if any of them try to make advances. I dressed decently so WTH!

Sometimes I wish I had a scarf covering my head but I'm just too afraid I'll change my mind the next day and that would be lack of commitment. Fashion is my weakness and my strength....

I think hijab Muslim women are beautiful and covering up don’t make them looking mysterious or exotic but they choose to be stylish in a modest way and they made a conscious decisioadn to protect themselves by covering themselves up in the presence of non family members.. They have a very healthy sense of self-respect (not that non-Muslims or non-hijab ladies don't. Please don’t get me wrong). 

Fashion isn't about showing as much flesh as you can. It's about individuality, creativity and self-expression. Muslim woman are simply expressing their modesty with hijab..

We owe it to our children

Are you still feeling the GE-13 blues? Yes I am, indirectly since my mom, Zul and I were voting from La Xara and my elder brother from Manchester.

Casting a vote and spending a day lining up seem like a waste of my time and I felt like one vote won't change a thing and even if it did, winning or losing one seat won't make any difference to my life. Yes I must admit, that WAS my mentality when I got the chance to cast my first time voting chance during the GE12. I was twenty five and was still a student back then.

Closer to GE-13 I started spending more time reading online mainstream media reports  but I felt sick reading that kept bashing the opposition. I am sitting comfortably on the wall not on any sides here but when you kept reading crap you start to think for yourself. "Are they kidding me?" It is as if, the government can do no wrong and the opposition can do no right.

I switched reading and start watching stuff online and FB is another good source for my references. Someone will post something and I watched and research it online to know the truth. From that day on, I started to follow updates and online news and  getting more interested in GE13.

A lot is going on in my life at the same time - with the kids, the move to Spain and the constant traveling for the past few months but I am glad that I manage to register to vote by post. I voted and I did it right.
I am proud to be Malaysian. I pay taxes on time so I do have the right to speak.

 
People are very emotional when discussing this issue especially when it is on FB, friends fighting with each other because they supported different party and they hit each other negatively online. I don't blame them for feeling so strongly about what they believe in but I wish people would filter what they say to each other.

 I don't like provocation or confrontation and to see it is happening on FB between friends is kinda sad. 

So the 'rakyat' has spoken on the 5 May 2013 and ... I must say throughout my 'research', I was surprised at the result. I really thought the opposition could win more seats than they did and I know that they have won the rakyats heart but somehow the results came out otherwise.

I am blessed to be part of Malaysia. Growing up there, I've always felt at ease and whenever I see riots and rallies in other parts of the world I was proud to say that Malaysia isn't like that but lately,  sad to say, we see it’s happening in Malaysia too.
 
I am not saying I'm pro government or pro opposition. I just want a better Malaysia. What can I do to make Malaysia a better place to reside? Is it enough just by placing a vote every 5 years? 
Every Malaysian should stop making racial comments. This is Tanah Melayu but the Chinese and Indians are Malaysians too and this is Tanah Tumpah darah for them too and Malaysia wouldn't be complete without our Chinese and Indian and all the other races as well. 

The government isn't perfect and the opposition is not all that bad and it is best to accept the results and unite as one nation We owe it to our children.

It breaks my heart

I love to post on my FB wall whatever thing that crosses my head. Friends know how much of a ‘talker’ when I am online. I could make a great company when you are bored, but I can also talk you to death, boredom or till you go insane. It is something that I absolutely love to do and they should feel free to un friend me, friends and foes alike. That is my page and I shall post anything I like. If any of you don’t like to read it please go away…and don’t come back. Thank you. 

But I am not popular among my staff. I don’t ask them personal questions and they don’t small talk/gossip with me and I never have any problems with that. Outside work when I saw them I acknowledge them but I don’t go wave and stop to talk to them. The least I can do is ‘menjaga pandangan mata ku/, karang kalau aku overfriendly…lain pulak jadinya.

And because of this attitude I am perceive as fierce. serious and unapproachable. I scolded them but I don’t go crazy scolding them....  

Sometime…I talk to myself, by myself, against myself or have a complete monologue with myself. I do this when there was no one around but sometimes they caught me off guard mumbling or laughing out loud to myself. They got this bewildered look, whether I have gone off the deep end, fell down and now in the valley of insanity. 

‘From this moment onward I won't read your wall .. I won't post anything or any comment.. I sud have done it b4.. Since late february..’

 It breaks my heart.