Salam Aidilfitri.....

Salam Aidilfitri. Maaf zahir dan batin.

When I write, I' know sometime I touched the hearts whom I love in a hurtful way unintended.  I’m sorry for that and may the Nur of Ramadhan and Eid shine upon us, and we are all blessed with His love.

Syawal and Ramadhan have been a total different for me this year. I regretted for not enjoying  Ramadhan tremendously as I used to mainly because I am so faraway from home.. However I hope I’m in the spirit and blessed air.

I realized there were times, when I wanted to say something but it came out wrong and things get bad because I was misunderstood. And there were times when I let my emotions rule and satuation become chaotic instead of plain sailing. There are times when I have to swallow the bitterness of my own making, accept the shortcomings only to realise the ever true meaning of being an imperfect human.

On a more positive note... I have been blessed, many, many times. And I am thankful for that.  Alhamdulillah. And I hope it will continue to be so. There are still uncertainties, but then again, if we know what will happen next, we're not human. And there won’t be any  element of surprise in our life. I wish, I pray and I hope everything will turn out for the better.

I don't exactly know how to put what's in my mind now into words... Hmm...

 But then, hey... I'm in Europe. And all the heart aches are back there in KL. Shouldn't be thinking about them until I get back, should I?

Life is all about compartmentalising, I guess. You put some aspect of your life in drawer A, the rest in drawer B. Others under other different drawers. Some would say, that is not living life fully. But I would say, it's a matter of maintaining sanity. Don't you think so?

Life is beautiful until you make it ugly. It's easy until you go down the difficult road. And why do we have to make choices that we know will actually leave us scarred in the end, anyway? What's the point? To get the experience? To enjoy it while it last?

Sometimes when I think back all the things that I chose to do, and the things that I'm doing, I wonder why am I such a blocked head. Bukan salah ibu mengandung and if there's anyone to blame, it's me.

I have a problem of letting go. And I aways have this secret hope that everything will turn out as I hope it will. Even knowingly it might not.

I was made happy all these while. Granted, the happiness is borrowed. But I intend to use it fully. And yes, I still hope that somehow or rather, one day, it can be mine fully. But then again, if it doesn't I will let it go. And hope God would give me the strength to untie  and let it sail away.

There are no tears in my eyes. This is a realisation. An acceptance. Of foolishness. Of fate. Of knowledge. Of realism.

How much are you worth...ladies??

How much is a woman worth these days?. Hmmmm…I'm talking about how much should a man pay for wang hantaran (WH) or dowry to marry a Malaysian Malay Muslim woman these days...

What is the standard price should a woman put as her WH? Customary, the financial value is usually  assess by the matriarch and will auto-agreed by everyone in the family….and decision would be based on the value of WH of elder siblings in the family. If she happened to be the first to wed in would be based on current values.. 

Back in the 90's if the girl is an SPM leaver the girl’s parents usually would put RM5K as WH but nowadays they could worth more than RM10K provided she looks like Erra Fazira or Maya Karin.

If she is a university graduate then it would be between RM8K-RM10K now and could possibly reach up to RM20K  and could shoot higher with Erra Fazira looks....

How about if she has a Masters degrees……she could worth more!!! ( lagilah mahal mak oi!)

Some girls chose their birth date as the value of their WH. So if you’re born on 25.03.1984, then your WH could be RM250,319.84???????????!! Ya Allah! Can buy a nice 2-storey apartment with that kinda money! And would anyone in the right frame of mind pays for such amount unless you’re the Sultan or the brother of the Sultan of Brunei then probably you would.

But seriously, would a girl feel less worthy if the value of her WH is lower than what is priced in the market? 

Would a guy feel less manly if he couldn’t afford the WH fixed by the girl’s parents and had to resort to borrowing from a bank or relatives? Would the girl help the guy pay some of the WH to ease the burden a lil bit?

During my cousin brother's engagement ceremony, when my mom asked the girl's parents how much is the WH, the father simply said, "Letaklah berapa yang rasa patut"(You decide how much you could afford). That should be easy enough right?    Wrong!! 


See, if you put low then they might get the impression that you dont think so highly of their daughter, which is not good to start off a marriage. But if you letak harga tinggi (too high!!), then my cousin brother will have to wait for a few more years.(belom cukup duitla kan.) I mean he's only been working for what, 2 years now?

I guess the key word here is compromise. 

Bak kata orang tua-tua, “Kalau letak mahal sangat pun nanti tak ada orang nak, jadi anak dara tua ler jawabnyer!”

Finally....here is my 100th post

 We were naturally compressed and suppressed when we were kids. Everything seems not enough… brain not big enough, arms can’t reach far enough, legs not tall enough. Thus whatever put before us by adults are coerced unto us. We moved along swearing quietly (some would rebel violently) and wishing for better days and things to come our ways as we grow up.

I stopped eating flesh of animals since I was 17. It happened after I witnessed a cow being slaughtered just before my eyes during my aunt’s wedding. It was traumatic for me and I can’t bring myself to consume any kind of meat again. And I have been a vegetarian since.

Choice and preference becomes a privilege as we grow up. At primary I received RM2 daily allowance which I spent all at the school canteen and it increased to RM15 per week when I was in upper primary. It has given me the luxury of getting what I prefer to a certain extent but I pressed ma for more when I knew there are others who got more than me from their parents..  

I joined a full boarding school at age thirteen and within a week I learned the concept of humility. Everything was pre-scheduled and organised. From what time to wake up, what to eat in the dining hall, afternoon activities, preps time,physical games in the evening and what time to lights off and sleep. We are equal….To live like the others.

A week after orientation, my parents came to visit. I pulled mom to a corner hugged her and said thank you. I could see tears of joy from mom’s eyes knowing I was not sad and unhappy, unlike her when she too had to stay in the same boarding school more than 20yrs before me.

These memories came up to me for a reason.

Being a fully capable adult, I am unrestricted to access all my whims and fancies (within my financial and moral limit of course but not my social freedom ). For items I can afford now, I manage. For things I still can’t, I dream. For the foods I want to eat, I go “Jalan2 cari makan” alone/ family members or with friends .

But with a job like mine it brings me back to my childlike life conditions. All privilege and options are non existence figuratively…..

I feel humility and compassion seeping back to me, reminds me of the life shaping years that I had during boarding school. I kept on reminding myself, death is as near as my bedside as I close my eyes to sleep whenever I have the chance  to do it….

We are equal….we depends a lot on one another.


Selamat berbuka puasa for all........