WHICH ONE....DADDY'S WALLET OR HPHONE?

When Billi was six months old, Adly and I registered him for a baby crawling contest sponsored by JJ  just for the fun of it. When we saw the other babies and their parents all geared up with their babies favorite items we looked at each other and thought... are we exposing our baby to the concept of failure and frustration much too soon?. He wouldn't understand anyway. We saw parents holding teddy bears, tethers and other toys to motivate them but we brought nothing (other than his milk bottle!). And sure enough, when the whistle was blown, most of the babies started to crawl immediately towards their parents who were holding toys in their hand. But Billi…..who just woke up from his afternoon nap sat dreaming at the starting point,  sucking his thumb, not paying any attention to the fuss and cheering of the crowd around him.  (‘Sayang,  Billi masih mamai ke?’ I asked hubby.)

Fast to react, Adly digged into both his pockets, pulled out a wallet from one pocket and a hand phone from the other one (like a cowboy with two guns ready to shoot) dangled both the wallet and hand phone in front of Billi attracting his attention. And almost instantly he moved his diapered butt, got to his knees and started crawling forward. Adly moved one step faster and he followed chuckling. A few more steps  forward  and Billi moved  even faster. And ... you wouldn't believe it when he lifted his knees and started crawling like a bear! On two arms, two feet and he was fast!! He started to catch up with the others and even got to the leading top three crawlers in no time. The crowd was cheering loudly. I thought... Oh yes! He could be winning this. Oh yes... (Oh dunia! Lihat lah..) That's my boy!

But then suddenly, he stopped midway busy looking at a cute baby girl trailing slightly behind in the next lane and smiling cheekily at her. We tried calling him but he  just kept on staring at the girl. (Aiyaya.... kecik2 dah pandai nak mengorat) The crowd was actually laughing at him. I'm sure it was Adly's turn to be cheeky; claiming… 'Hahahaha  (Oh dunia! Lihat lah!...)That's my boy!'



I elbowed Adly and he came right back  to his senses and started to dangle his wallet and phone in front of  Billi again. Back to his senses too, Billy dashed forward with his bear crawl and managed to catch up again. As soon as he reached the finishing line, Adly rewarded him his hand phone  and he hungrily gobbled and heavenly started sucking it. The hand phone was covered with his saliva and he deserved to have it for that moment.

He finished as a runner up, the only 'boy' in top five… Not bad at all, considering his late start. Won himself RM200 vouchers and a big hamper (kurang sikit duit keluar dari poket Adly) save his daddy from buying diapers for more than 2 weeks.

When he started kindergarden last year at five years old, he wanted a hand phone………

NO PAIN NO GAIN

Are we less worthy of being a human if what propelled us to greater heights is motivated by extrinsic material rewards? Not in all circumstances..... example - how can you say your child is less worthy of a child if what motivates him to study hard and obtain good grades in his exam is a hand phone(hp)
But that was what I had been eyeing for........

Mommy being the not so generous mama, wont easily buy me a hp when I was twelve but said, ‘if you want it, you go get your 5As for UPSR.’

Handphone? UPSR!  5As! ....

I told mom i was too short to reach the public phone at school and argued I should have a hp if in case there was an emergency at school.

Mom rebuttal: Who ask you to be too choosy with your food? Eat a lot more so that you grow taller.Besides, if there’s an emergency go run to the teacher, canteen people, the lady cleaner, gardener, security guard or bus driver and shout  ‘ HELPPPPP…….’      (mama is mean.......)

‘But what if it's outside school ma….’ I tried still.

Mom rebuttals: What outside school? After school, you come right back home, straight home, in uncle Bakar's  van, you hear?!!   (She sounded  meaner.........).

After coming home from a school trip, I related an incident of my friend who lost his hp during that trip and he called his parent using another friend's hp and told me, "Mak aku kata tak per lah. Nanti dia ganti lain."(its ok I buy you a new phone)

I questioned mom, why was it that other parents could easily provide their children with hp and she could not?

Mom’s answer: Oh! If you want parents that could easily provide you with a hp, you could easily change parents! Go ask if they want to adopt you then maybe you can move to their house and ask them to buy you a hp. (Mom is cruel…sobsob)

Papa ……

It's not that we could not afford one and we don't care if others can easily provide their children with hp or other material rewards without demanding some achievement and set the bar as high as what we've set for you - you are my daughter. Tough luck! And as our dot, you've got to start learning from now on………
No pain, No gain!

And we want you to know we were not born into this world with silver spoons. Eating roti canai outside once in a blue moon was already a great childhood reward for us . You? You got to eat your favourite fast food so often without much Q&A. Be thankful.

But one thing you've got to learn, the world is not one holy charitable place. And since you may not be sheltering under our roof forever, you've got to knock this into your head, heart and mind: You want something? Work hard! Earn it with your own sweat and tears. Your own stripes and strides. The reward will taste much sweeter.

Challenge yourself to proof that you can do it, that you have what it takes, that you are not easily susceptible to negative influence and distraction for short term gratification. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, provided you move towards the end of it!

But the end does not justify the means. Don’t rob any bank……

*Sadly I hardly use the hp they bought me after UPSR….because I have to leave for a boarding school*

Tok Ayah….. your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever.

(Jom…lets set a date for Grandfather’s Day…nak???)

If you ask all my siblings ( dad was the only one married then), who's the closest one to grandpa (Tok Ayah), they would definitely certainly absolutely answer: Ni*a! Oh yes, I am grandad’s   girl because I always brought home straight A's in my primary years …. hehehehehe. Or because among others, I am the only girl and the one with the bad health, hence I was the most fragile one.  

But for sure not because I am the best among his grandchildren ….or most well mannered but I am very sure am the naughtiest yet the smartest!!!!.....

TA was a headmaster at the primary school I went to. Imagine being the head of the school but, to find his grand daughter being punished in front of the classroom (kena  ketuk ketampi/ berdiri atas kerusi) for being rude/not finishing homework on time. The worst was when I was  sent to his office  for dating during recess time. (kantoi dating??  Haha!)

TA was always there in the first row, each time I performed on stage. Poem citing, choir, nasyid, spelling bees, storytelling.... name it…. And he would be the first on standing ovation with a thumb up sign.  :)

The one who was always there to make sure I eat every pills, every prescription and the one who hold the plastic when I puked. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, but he was already by my side with an inhaler. When I agreed  to attend a boarding school he was a bit upset. Each time I pack my stuffs, he would always make sure I didn't forget my inhaler ( I was freed from asthmatic when in secondary two)

It was on the day that he was scheduled for a by-pass operation, which was on the same day I was scheduled to fly off to Sydney for further studies. It was last minute to change my flight date and I had asked grandpa if he wanted me to stay I would insist my sponsors to postpone the date of my departure to Australia. 

He had said, "Tak apa lah.(its ok) If anything happens..I go my way, and you go your way..." and he smiled, his usual calm smile.

(He passed away a few  months later)

And for what I am today, I thank you Tok Ayah.

Al-Fatihah.

Haaaaaaaa......................

My ranting hour....... So, if you are not up for it come back for next post. Otherwise, stay.. Whatever, I don't really care…..hhehehehehe.

Life's been a hectic kind of late and I am kinda sick of it. Sick of summarizing report after report.. Sick of work, on standby most of the time and waking up wee hours in the morning to have clarity and specificity in what I write in those  darn final report. I am slogging like a tired old dog. Now reading emails from home while sipping orange juice. Even Leodi and Adel can't  meet me up for lunch! They are working damn bloody hard, I tell you. I guess I could just produce a so-so kind of report, leave it to Leodi  to take the heat of my crappy issues. Hehehehe – how I wish!

Sometimes, I do wish that I am a wealthy woman who does not have to do this day in and day out. Meni/pedi appointment before lunch and go for brunches  at some ridiculously expensive restaurants that serve you puny portions of meals, haaaaaaa..

Back to planet Earth..

Told you I just wanted to rant.

Now, back to that darn report..

WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND WILL HAPPEN......

Is it all in the mind?

I reflect on the journey of my life thus far, and I feel blessed. I have gone through some mind talking, questioning and imagining how my life could have turned up today if I had done this or done that differently.

 I came to the conclusions that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we may be able to know the answers immediately, a lot of times we have to accept that we may not be able to know the answers or the rationale pronto because only Allah knows best.....redha.

I cant cite any example of what I meant here if not it would be more interesting for reading  because  I know for a fact some of the examples may be controversial  and may hurt the feelings of some people whom I know or people whom I don't know, or feelings of my loved ones. So I'm playing it safe and not be an open book.

Do I wish some things about me or about my life would change moving forward?

Sure I do!

No... am not targeting to become a Datin Seri someday. Hahahaha......

But  sure I want some changes in my life moving forward.

I want to commit more to practice Islam as my Ad Din - way of life - rather than just complying to the basic tenets.

I want to spend more quality time with my son….my parents.

I want to love and to be loved more - for the right reasons.

I want to be able to guide my children ( Berangan2 ramai anak….hehehe  tp sebenarnya sorang jer) and family  wisely, without necessarily imposing strict standards on the ultimate outcome solely based on short term worldly desires.

I still want to be able to enjoy myself though but with a pleasurable but simple life nothing complicated, thxs.

I want to continue to be able to vision a larger picture of my life, so I could see the  light at the end of the tunnel; and be liberated by the choices that I make towards those visions; rather than be stuck in the box with the cynical toughts of me being the victim succumbing to other people's pressures without having a choice to make the changes for myself. (most difficult task yg ni)

In short, there's still quite a lot more that I want to achieve moving forward.

Both for "here" as well as the "here after".

And I want to grow older wisely and gracefully. Accepting what has happened and what will happen is in the hand of the Almighty.

I feel happier now… ....Alhamdulillah.

WE JUST HAVE TO BE BRAVE AND CARRY ON.

I have always dread going to visit the sick or going to a wake or a funeral. Isn't suffering and death a part of this life after all, thus we cannot escape from them?  

I cannot help myself from crying and experiencing sadness watching other's loss, grief and agony - particularly if they are amongst closed friends or family members. 

I have not been in the mood to blog. I could not with a clear conscience write about anything happy or cheerful, when I know my family is going through a difficult time back home.. 
You might ask, who she is?  Is she a closed friend for me to feel this way? 

The answer to that is YES she is a friend, a fairy godmother and who is also my beloved grandmother,  passed away on Sunday 17^th April 2011 (13 Jamadilawal 1432) at 6.00am and was bedridden for the last two and a half years.
She was a very closed friend indeed.
 
She has changed so much, very thin,skeletal, very weak and quiet.
But still I was relieved…….. 
……because I saw in her a very strong woman who would not give up and would not let go without a fight, a fierce, vicious fight. Even I myself had to fight to put on a happy and 'normal 'face while talking to her.

And all that time she spoke calmly, and it was easy for her to smile.

But still, I could not help from crying when we said our goodbyes before I left for Na Thrang a month ago. Her eyes had welled but she did not succumb to tears and I said to her what my thoughts were exactly at the time, " I will see you for Hari Raya Opah..." I hugged and kissed her cheeks. How brave and strong she was. 


-------------------------------------------------------------------

My mom had sent me a text - a simple and short one on Sunday morning;

"She's gone..." 

And those words drove me to tears even when I knew she is in a better place for surely, Allah knows best.

I remembered my grandpa too….(flashback 2001)

It was on the day that he was scheduled for a by-pass operation, which was on the same day I was scheduled to fly off to Sydney for further studies. It was last minute to change my flight date and I had asked grandpa if he wanted me to stay I would insist my sponsors to postpone the date of my departure to Australia. 

He had said, "Tak apa lah.(its ok) If anything happens..I go my way, and you go your way..." and he smiled, his usual calm smile. 

And I hugged him and kissed his cheeks - which I don't remember ever doing. And I'm glad I did and when he passed away a few months later and I could not kiss his cold forehead just before his burial, at least I did kiss him while he was alive and smiling. His arms had come around to hug me and pat my back to comfort me and he said.... everything would be fine. 

Yes. That was nearly ten years ago.

And yesterday granny left me when I was away too. 

After all, the living must go on living. Life is short and no one lives forever. We just have to be brave and carry on. 

DAY 28 -MY HEART BROKE TO PIECES

That morning.... the dining area sliding doors were wide opened. The breeze and the smell of  fresh air refreshing........

Outside, Blackie meowing.

In the kitchen, Bibik grumbling - something about the dirty laundry.( Cakap jawa - tak faham)

From the backyard, the trickling sound of the swimming pool and water feature was therapeutic.

Nothing could go wrong.  Or so we thought!

Out of a sudden, Billi appeared from the kitchen, weeping

"Uncle Zul.....Billi sakit ni” he said.

(uncle Zul…I am in pain)

Both of us didn't even look up….. at least not immediately.

Billi  persisted, "Uncle Zul..... tengoklah ni!!" (Uncle Zul…see this)

 "LA'ILA HA'ILALLAHHH! BILLI WHAT HAPPENED??!!!!" said Zul…that startled me.

Zul jumped out of his seat, checking on Billi. I followed him closely from behind. Billi extended  his right thumb and a small part of his backhand! Burn? Scald? Oh my God!! Hot water! Outer layer skin destroyed! Redness exposed! Ouchhhh..... (Cam mana la boleh kena ni?! ) Oh my dear baby.....

“How did this happen?”  Zul asked.

Billi was pointing at the thermal pot and coffee making tray. SHIT!! ( Uh! Sorry.... ) How on earth could he reach that high? Did he step onto something?

"Uncle Zul its hurting ..!"  Billi continued weeping.

I just stood there. Didn't move. Couldn't move? Half frozen.

"Ok sayang... jangan nangis" said Zul. (Please don’t cry Hon…)

He carried Billi into the kitchen to get the 1st aid kit.  But NO BURNOL!!!

Meanwhile, Billi continued weeping, "Mama its hurting.. "

"Hang in there Ninja”  Zul said while rushing upstairs to get his car keys ...." .

I was helplessly trying to think of what home remedy I could resort to in this emergency situation. Something cold. I must find something cold. And I rushed to the fridge and took out -  butter!! Grabbed a spoon, scraped a thin layer of the butter and gently applied it onto Billi’s little thumb.

"Mama it hurts ......" Billi wept.    

My heart broke into pieces.

Oh my dear baby. I kissed him on his forehead, hugged him and consoled him and nasty thoughts began creeping in ... what a careless Mom!  

( Anak depan mata pun tak boleh jaga.... ).

Billi was actually pretty calm and composed. He didn't cry out loud at all. I wiped his tears away again and again hugging him – gently. Zul drove us to the clinic shortly after.

The doctor asked what was the cream on Billi's thumb and I told her it was butter and that was the only thing that I could think then. She smile generously, and I figured she must have been quite impressed with my home remedy. She said I could also use ice cube or ice pack.

We went into the dressing room and the doctor attended  Billi immediately. After cleaning the wound from the mess of my home remedy ‘cream 'she then applied what appeared to me like a "whip cream"  generously over Billis thumb and bandaged it all up neatly. 

Throughout the 'procedure', Billi DID NOT cry at all .....

The doctor advised me not to worry. While the outer layer skin seemed destroyed, the burn was superficial and not severe but she had to bandage it all up because children, they can be quite 'boisterous'

Until today, we still couldn’t  figure out how he could have reached that high to press on thermal pot button. Each time we asked him about it, he would turned and walked away responding, "I am ok now mama”

But accidents do happen my dear Billi, but it was a blessing in disguise - we now know you can quite comfortably write and color with your left hand without any problem at all.

Ambidextrous boy in the making!


That night he cheekily asked me "Ma....when are you marrying uncle Zul....?"
Huh.....???


THXS LEODI.......

DAY 27 – OH BOY ....OH BOY..!!!!!......

I received an email  from Billi's  teacher, just some updates on this and that. She wrote her concern about Billi's response on "what do you want to be when you grow up". Curiously enough……..In my heart, nothing psychotic I hope! Apparently, Billi told her, he wanted to be a NINJA !!!! Oh la la.

I laughed out loud  for quite a while. I thought that was a brave  attempt by Billi and an honest one  too. How many kids would actually be open enough to share their personal vision(pv). Normally, it would be the well rehearsed answers as practiced at home - a teacher, lawyer, accountant, doctor, architect,etc. Rarely -  a hairstylist, pro footballer, Akademi Fantasia /Malaysia Idol winner.  And a Ninja from SA? Wow! That must be the first for the teacher.

She wrote further even after showing pictures of various occupations to the class and what these people do, Billi asked her, “How come there's no photo of a Ninja”.

Teacher was not happy and was concerned, afraid that Billi could not differentiate between reality and fantasy. She  wanted me to help Billi to have a better grasp of what's real and what's not. I'm  troubled. Not by my son’s ambition but how to deal with the expectation of the teacher.

Billi is five and  I see nothing seriously wrong with him sharing that kind of pv with the teacher.  I've indeed heard of many other quite not so ordinary like  makeup artist, antique cars collector, professional footballer, professional boxer,  rockstar, hairstylist,  F1 driver, CSI, the President, and Ariel (the little mermaid) to mention few. This types of childhood ambitions kind of common in our family. Well.....if I said that to the teacher it  will scare her more. Hahaha

Or is it quite obvious that I am not as kiasu as some other parents ? Hmmmm….

 I think the teacher should be more interested to explore and find out WHY Billi wants to become a NINJA and what about NINJA that excites or inspires him? 5W1H  (4Wives 1Waitress for 1Husband) The standard questions of…….Who, What, Where, When, Why and How

When I got home from work a month later, I asked him about the NINJA episode, his immediate response was  " No mama. I changed that and want to be a doctor because teacher said there is no NINJA in the real world ".

Excuse me….There is NINJA in the real world  teacher! May be in our culture not something that we want to lure our children into BUT the fact remains because the underworld is part of the real world. But that would be too complicated to explain to Billi.  

Don't you think NINJA exist in the real world? Sigh.....

So Q & A between Billi and me:

Me : Billi….Why do you think becoming a NINJA is exciting?

Billi : Because NINJA helps fight off evil people and protect the not so strong people don’t you know that mama..?.

Me : Oh.... ye ker? Macamana dia protect other people tu?  (How do they protect them)

Billi : NINJA tu mama, dia  ghajin-ghajin practice sampai dia kuat baru dia can protect other people la.  (NINJA has to practice real hard  to enable him to protect others.)

Me : Ye ker? Kenapa NINJA kena protect other people tu? (Why does NINJA have to protect others)

Billi :  Kan ada ghamai oghang jahat kat luar. Evil. Macam kena buli so NINJA akan rescue la oghang tu.

 (There’s a lot of bad guys. Evil. Like when they are bullied NINJA will come to rescue them)

So who says watching cartoon is all that bad?...........Hmmmm.

Me: Ohhhhh.....

Billi : Mama dah faham tak? ( You understand now mama?)

Hehehehe……

Me : Dah….! Billi nak jadi NINJA, sebab Billi nak protect orang baik dari orang jahat eh?

( You wanted to become NINJA so you can protect the good ones from the evils …?)

Billi : Tapi kalau nak jadi NINJA, kena practice ghaajin-ghaajin dulu  (But to be a NINJA  I have to pactice hard)

Me : Ah... betul    (Ah…that.s correct)

Billi : Tapi Cikgu kata takde sekolah ajar jadi NINJA. Billi nak tukar jadi doktor balik lah. 

(But I have change that and want to be a doctor as said before…there's no school to go to be a NINJA)

And he hurried off upstairs to change his school uniform and did his homework without being told. So that he could watch  the Tom & Jerry show uninterrupted. Good…. Business first, leisure ensues. Straight A's in his monthly tests so far, except for arts.

Yes... Billi's short lived ambition is fantasy but based on noble hopes and desires. What the  teacher could have done then was to enquire a bit further and help him to translate and guided him to similar and  to a more common and real occupations than being a NINJA. Such as Police, martial arts instructor , Menteri Pertahanan , NGO activist, UN Envoy peace keeper  ....  whatever real to her. That would be a better attempt than  pouring cold water to such a noble  desire from an innocent child.

I grew up in an era when most parents and teachers similarly expected their kids to have  the standard ambitions. Careers in arts, music, literature, professional sports or culinary  were not only unheard of, but almost a taboo ( "ishhh.... tak boleh, kita orang Malaysia/Melayu/Islam") or if it's non-money makers.

Somehow, as a child and up till form five, I always came up with the not so standard answer, from the very low on approval rating (a dancer) to the neutral ones ( lawyer, lecturer, engineer - boring stuff?) and right up to the ironic ones ( nuclear physic and air stewardess) - ironic because I'm not that great in maths  and for the latter not attractive enough.

(tak mana pun lawa, tak tinggi lampai dan  tak sopan santun .... heeee).

During a scholarship interview (at age 17), I told the interviewer  I wanted to go to US because I wanted to visit Disneyland. Interestingly the interviewers said, I've got personal vision…… and they fell off their chairs laughing.  Hmmm…

What I ended up as today?

A career totally unheard of by my kindergarten teacher back then.

I think the world today offers a lot more than the standard occupations - unimaginable years ago. And who knows what the future holds?

The challenge I offer to teachers out there; please.....

ASK MORE THAN DICTATE.

I don't mean to be over protective but I think a child deserves to be heard first, rather than simply to be told off.

To Billi…… BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE as long as you are happy with your choices and do your best!!

(Sentiasa berada di jalan yang benar, halal dan baik.Rezeki ada di mana-mana, InsyaALLAH... I will pray that you will be guided, be protected, be reminded and be successful always, dunia & akhirat. Amin….)

The options are plenty still. No worries my boy

DAY 26 - ITS SEEMS LIKE A DISTANCE AWAY....

I have been happy in the last few months. Even when there is a never-ending disputed points that really stressed me up or when work was up to the nose, I could still maintained happy just thinking of ….hehehehe. But suddenly, it occurred to me CLEARLY there is a possibility this happiness wont last long... How can I expect it to last when all the opposing facts have been laid down in front of me from the very beginning, right? 

Even after the traumatising past experience, I am still a hopeless romantic. I might have shouted out loud after  the big ‘D’ and I don't believe anymore in living 'happily ever after' but sadly and secretly I still do. I still dream about it.I can dream and hope but the fact is even how much I tried, eternal happiness still seems like a distance away and there are times when I get the odd feelings it is never really meant for me…..

And at this point of time, my hope is slowly weaning off……..

DAY 25 : IT'S NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE

This narration caught my attention:

Sometimes, when we're so focused on finding our own happy endings, we don't learn to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't. The ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. Or maybe a happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy. Maybe it's you... On your own, picking up the pieces and starting over. Freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just ...moving on..

It is so true right? A few years ago, I thought my happiness is dependable on another soul of a different gender..... When the 'lived happily ever after' notion came crashing down on me   it was like I nosedived freely to rock-bottom. People said that I handled it well but truthfully, I was broken into a thousand pieces. I was lost in my own world (I lost custody of Billy too) and put myself on an automatic mode and went crazy doing all sorts of things to keep myself occupied but suddenly my point of happiness shifted (I am getting wiser).

There are so many better things to do, learn and experience than to wallow in loneliness and self-pity. The world is already packed with real sufferings of war and poverty and we should be grateful we are still living peacefully together in comfortable homes and have enough food served on the tables.

Sometimes I just feel like knocking some silly heads to make them see that life is just too precious to be wasted on some ungrateful men (or women). If he/she causes heartbreaks and pains, they are not worth your love and tears so pack your stuff and move on and have faith. Easier said than done I know (hey, I've been there remember?) but we're responsible for our own destiny so...just beat it.

I know of a girl who tried to kill herself over a relationship with a marriedman who  was  giving her 1001 excuses not to marry her. Sorry but I have no sympathy whatsoever for her. First of all, why the hell did she get involved with a marriedman and how selfish could she be for expecting him to leave his wife and kids for her? 

Secondly, if you want to kill yourself, just find a knife and pierce through your heart and it will soon be over. Taking 20-30 tablets of Paracetamol won't kill you... it will just kill your liver and a burden for your poor parents. There are so many people fighting for their lives all over the world and you don't even value yours? And now with an automatic psychiatric record after your suicidal antics, don't you think your chance of getting the man to marry you just plummeted to nil? Sorry but I just can't tolerate stupid people like this……..

DAY 24 - EXAM PAPERS EXCHANGE SCHEME

I was in Science, and he was in Social Science Anyway, it was not a big problem, as I would normally get copies of SS papers from Zie my dorm-mate, and whatever SS papers which Mich sent me, I would pass them to Zie. I can't remember whether Mich actually got copies of exam questions from his Science friends to pass them to me.

But, what I remember clearly was this -

A  classmate of mine received a letter from her friend who was a Sci student at Kolej Melayu KK. And in that letter were 25 paper strips with a name written on each and each one of us would pick one name and that person would be our "pal" for the exchanging exam papers scheme.( Why couldn't they both send a SET of the exam papers every month to each other and anybody who wanted them could just make their own copies, right?)

Haaa...they got hidden agenda! (Serampang dua mata strategy! )I guessed it was not so much of a request to exchange papers, but more of a platform to get to know your "pal" better! (Cerdik budak Kolej Melayu KK ni...)

Since I was already getting my "supplies" from Mich, I didn't want to be part of the scheme but there were a few names left, and who had earlier refused to join in were persuaded to be part of the scheme. (sistas/bros) and also thinking Sci for Sci student exams paper exchange I gave in and got myself a new "pal", too. And my "pal" was Sam (not his real name). 

I remember getting his first letter. Apparently - the "organizer" of the "scheme" on our side, had finalized the "pairing" and had given the list of names to the "organizer" from that side. I remembered  I only wrote to Sam when there was a set of exam papers to send him.  I never mentioned Sam to Mich, as I thought it was a non-issue.
And, oh my...was I wrong to have thought that! 

What I didn't know was that, Sam was NOT a Sci student after all. He was in fact a Soc Science student. He was in fact......Mich classmate! Horror! Horror!

The 25 names from which we had to choose from - they were NOT all Sci students. They were just a group of smart asses who were never really interested in exchanging exam papers in the first place! 

Mich found out that I was writing to Sam, while writing to him, and he was upset and I was upset! beecause I just couldn't understand why he had to be upset since we were not bf/gf anyway, and he surely didn't have any rights over me, right?!!! Secondly, I was upset because Sam was not really a Sci student and there was no point for me to correspond with him in the first place!

So, I gave them BOTH a piece of my mind, and I stopped writing to both. That was the last time I heard from Sam...but, not from Mich...

A week or so after I sent out the letter, M wrote back to me and apologized.

So, things got back to normal.

I can't remember whether we were still in form 4 or 5 when the next "event" took place.....

I had also been exchanging papers with a guy from Sekolah Tiger Lane, by the name of Jong (not his real name) he wrote to me first. I didn't mention this to Mich because I thought Jong was also a non-issue between us and we had an understanding about this exchanging exam papers thingy.

Hahahaha…….it was a week after school reopened, and all of us just came back to JB after our Term break, when I received a letter from Mich. And he wrote

"Salams saudari Ein. how was your term break - mine was ok. Something interesting happened on my train journey back to KL. We, a group of Kolej Melayu KK guys were sitting in the same coach with a few of Sekolah Tiger Lane boys.  We got talking  and one of them talked about their friends from STF, TKC, SSP and somehow YOUR name came out. By the way, do you know a guy by the name of Jong?!"

And I was like, "Oh NOOOOOO!!! Not again!!! Why does this have to happen to me???!"

Of ALL the coaches and of ALL people - why did Mich end up sitting with Jong?!!! Again, I was upset because HE was upset and he had no right or reason to be upset....

After Sam, and then Jong, he REALLY must have thought that I was not a loyal friend, or that I was somehow a "loose" person?

I wrote a similar letter to the one I wrote to him after the Sam incident, explaining to him what needed to be explained. And I remember waiting anxiously for his reply. And my...was I relieved when Mich letter finally came, apologizing for being "possessive" and I had these   warm and fuzzy feelings inside reading ....and I said to myself, "Hey...he's jealous. That's very sweet..."

And things got back to normal :)

I remember getting a Musical Box from Mich for my 17th birthday, and getting beautiful cards from Jong too on my birthday and on Valentine's Day year '00. (I still continue writing to Jong, as I felt I owed him my sets of exam papers). 

I remember the three of us doing very well in our studies - always being the top student in our stream.The only time we spoke in those two years was when they called me at home by surprise. Apparently the went searching for my Papa’s name in the thick Telekom Directory and tried their lucks by calling the number.
And all those while, we NEVER met.

And I remember thinking, "Would we get the offer to further our studies at the same place after SPM? Would we ever get the chance to meet?" 

And those questions were answered in January 2001...

 

DAY 23 – THE LIFE OF AN ETERNAL TRAVELLER......

As I prepared for my next journey (that was nearly a month ago), I was reminded of how life still goes on, even when I am not around.

Last weekends, I had to miss the wedding of one of my favourite cousins..From her email, it was a merry affair, being the eldest and the first in her family to get hitched. I guess now I won’t be able to hang out with her as much, unless Mr. Hubby …….. …..I’ll have to ask them the next time we meet.

And  my nephew (a cousin’s son) Danish is now five months old. He is becoming a handful. I’m surely going to miss out on certain milestones in the next 4 months. He might even think I’m an alien by the time I return but as long as  he doesn’t scream in my face, he will soon adjust.

It’s not just happy news all around, two cousins passed away in March. To add to the pain, they were brothers and they died within two weeks of each other. The older brother 15years old suffered from a lifetime illness and the younger one 12years old was involved in a road accident I managed to visit him before he passed away in JB a week before I left. My heart went out to my uncle and aunt. I cannot imagine the pain of losing, two children so close to each other.

Another cousin, his pregnant wife slipped and fell, which led to the early birth of his son. The baby passed away a few days later.

A month ago,  I found out through an email that an old school friend, Sakina, was admitted into the ICU. She has been battling leukaemia since January. I visited  her a day before I left and, according to the doctors, things were not looking good for her.

The last time I saw her was about ten years ago but the person I saw lying motionless on hospital bed didn’t look like the girl I knew in school. And that was painful.

Note: Keyna passed away on Sunday, March 28^th 2011(AlFatihah.....)

Although I feel guilty about missing family celebrations while I’m away, the pain is so much less when compared to being told of a tragedy happening to people I care about.That was one of the risks I took when I embarked on these expeditions, apart from the obvious physical dangers.

“Lennon says life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, but what about the bit that happens when you’re living other lives?” asks Along.

Along (my eldest brother) has been living in the UK for over a decade and clearly knows of the emotional risks of being the eternal traveller. Besides being unable to define where exactly “home” is after being away for a long time, Along has  miss out on important family milestones as well as not being there enough for his parents, siblings and friends.

  Note: Along didn’t get to come back for the funerals of our cousins and so was I.....

Day-22: What Makes Me Different From Everyone Else

I am very smart, intelligent and witty ( Adel and Leodi said that….hehehe)....  but when it comes to love, I flunk bad time.

Seriously……..

Sally told her younger sister Ana , "If you want to score in your exams go learn from her” 
(her = me. Hehehe…)

She added, “Asked her how she studies for flying colors results……(result gempaq la tu)…but don’t ask her about love. She failed when it comes to love and emotions. Ahahahaaaa".. Hmmmm……..Very funny Sally.

Huhuhuhu..... But it's true in a way (eerrrr lots of ways actually heheheeeee). I'm just a hopeless romantic who believe in true love, soulmates…...,

 Bla…. bla…

But still, Cupid is too scared to strike the right arrow for me.

*wink* *wink*

And oh……., I LOVE LOVE LOOOVEEEEE Shah Rukh Khan.

But I don’t listen to Hindi song or even watch Hindi movie…...

Hmmmm…..

DAY 21 - WHEN THINGS DONT GO ACCORDING TO PLAN.....

Today  I had attended a last minute meeting that lasted for 5 damn hours.

Today - I realize people think that what I have to do is not as important as what they have to do and I have all the time in the world to do these things alone.

Today - I realize that I always take it for granted that everything will always go according to plan. But, obviously it doesn't.

I was supposed to focus on a certain piece of work from 11:00a.m until 6:00p.m today.

The meeting lasted for 5 hours. FIVE DAMN HOURS!

Went back to my room- exhausted.

Had to visit Leodi at 7:45p.m.

Poor him I was so stressed out that I snapped at him a few times.

He said " Let's count stars’ with me  after dinner please......" 

I said  "NO!"

And he asked, "Why not?"

A curt reply from me - "Who's going to bring you there?"

He replied - "You?"

And yet another curt reply of "I don't have time".

And I felt so, so bad after that :( 

Till now - I have not slept as I need to finish whatever it is that I was supposed to finish this afternoon.
I need a lot of luck. And I already drank a LOT of hot choc too .

And tomorrow night, I will make it up to him..."count stars"

Hmmm.......

But, you know what? I wish he is not sick and is helping me with whatever I am suppose to finish... And I know I will still have a lot of "stressed out" days ahead of me to deal with...

Another meeting at 5am………

Leodi oi……cepat sihat la….sian aku !!

DAY 20- WILL I DIE......

I AM STILL ALIVE!! :)……… Obviously. I am NOT writing from the Land of the Dead.  

I have an underlying asthma condition so my main worry was that I would not come out of my 'sleep'. I was not ready to leave the world. So, I cried in the shower. If it was time, then I'd be gone anyway. There are many ways  to die-- it didn't have to be through this particular operation. So I got myself a nice manicure and pedicure. At least, my nails were buffed up real nice and I would go in-style!

I was wheeled off to the Operation Theatre in Level One of PMC. I was kept waiting at the reception, partitioned by a drape curtain and I could hear  the whining of the next room patient wanted to pee  and a nurse was double-checking a Malay looking patient with a Chinese name tag

 "Salah ni.. Wrong name lah.. Ai-yoo. Yoo”  she said.

 I kept on repeating the Syahadah  and read all the Surah  I could remember. My ENT specialist and the anesthetist came for a little visit and answered all my last minute questions and that made me feel a little bit better. I was wheeled into Operations Theatre 2 at about 1pm. I remembered a needle poking into my left wrist and so...

Wake up, wake up...girl…..(someone calling out my name..) !

I tried to clear my throat and say something but I couldn't. Where  am i? , I wondered. I looked around me and the clock on the wall showed it was 3.25pm. It's over? It's over!! and I am still alive.. Alhamdulillah... :) ……. I was wheeled back to my room with two strings coming out of my nostrils. Apparently, they were holding gauzes  to stop the bleeding.

 No more blocked nose.. Yeay!!!