Are you sleeping???

God creates so much love between us who seldom see each other but never stop missing each other and I pray that dynamic and the genuine respect I have for him will never die.  

Zoul has always been polite, wishes me good every day wherever and whenever is possible through email, sms, phone calls, skype, whichever is available the moments he is offshore, working and…… Yes, he would calmly and positively explain if I did something wrong and I would just melt away, reading his emails/sms or while listening to him through the phone.  There has to be genuine respect for each other otherwise the love which is there will gradually die.

We have known each other six years before we decided to tie the knots two years ago and during those six years, I fly to work with him, fly home with him. We shared and sleep in the same bunker and use the same toilet with the rest of the crew, wake up and go to work with him, attended meetings and seminars with him, weekend with him, work days with him.

I respect and love this man.

Since becoming a wife, while Zoul is away I had on the mom and dad caps. At times it adds pressure and stress to the job of raising three kids alone. We have a maid to do the day to day chores but during decision making I feel alone. The kids miss daddy but I myself am missing him a lot more.

I always look forward to when Zoul comes through the house doors after months he was away. Sara, Billi and I would race to the door to see who gets to daddy first. Lyra probably would move a few baby steps forward but she is not too excited about daddy’s homecoming.

Since I resigned, I don’t know much about his day and him about mine so he decided that we share three happy moments and one unhappy moment we encountered on a particular day before bed.  (two hour time different between countries).

The only disadvantage is he is usually sleepy by this hour. I am the one who is always chatty and most likely after an hour he is no longer listening.

Zoul: I’m unhappy about x. I’m happy that a…. I’m also happy that b… and my last happy thing is c...

Me: My turn now…. I’m unhappy because this woman…bla bla.  I went to meet her and… bla bla bla… that is why I become unhappy and I just don’t understand why bla and she said bla bla. Zoul….Why do you think it happened that way bla bla bla….

Zoul: Mmmm…

Me: Are you there? I have not told you my three happy moments  Are you… are you asleep? If you’re, you are going on in my unhappy moment for tomorrow night.

Zoul: kroh …kroh

Me:hmmmmmmm……..

Note: this will never work for me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNWjCKcrNZ8

Remembering someone?

Zoul brought me over to a secluded place where the beach stretches km away.....

The sand was pristine white, the water was green and blue......, 

The sky was clear blue sort of an immaculate canvas painted over it..........

There were a few anglers far on the hard solid rocks.

We walked hand in hand

I kept silent.

"Remembering someone?"

Yes........

"No"

"You lied. Still miss him eh?"

Yes.........

"No"

"OK. He misses you too"

Really??.......

"OK"

"Let's go. Lunch is up"

I don't miss him......

You are a loser.....

"You!" I roared and I could feel my eyes are now as big as a plate, a finger pointing at you.

"FUCK YOU! You expect me to forget  what you done to me?!  Go ruin your own life!"

"You piece of fag...," for a while I swallowed my own words.

That is the scene from my imagination. 

I think too much.

It did not happen. 

It never will. 

Please accept defeat..........

.........

"I miss you, you know"

Shut up. 

Life.....

"You can't run away from him"

"What on earth? Why the need to tell me this?"


"It's just that both of you are meant together, even when you decided to flee away from him"

"He can fuck off and don't bother me anymore"


" Tell that to your heart"

Life has a way to reconcile with our past memories.
With pain.

Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover

I see you shiny, gleaming with smile from the outside, but do they have any idea what is happening beneath the closed doors?

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. 

And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over.

Write it down

  

A friend told me, a dairy is where you write happy thought and beautiful moments of your life. Happiness that will stay there, in your diary, in your thoughts and memories and live by them for as long as you live..

It is true somehow.

But still....the moment I feel like writing is when I have sorrows in my heart.

Writing is a mean to channel my heartbreaks, my emotional turbulence, coping with loss of loved ones, separations, work stresses and so much more since forever.

 I simply like to write. From gibberish to thoughts, from frustrations to emotions, from love to hate to anger, some doodles and lots more.   

I wanted to write what is in my heart  but could find no words that'd do justice to what I feel right now.

Lotion commotion

I have in me, about completely finishing the usage of old stock toiletries till the last drop before opening up a new package. My shower gel for instance, I shake and squeeze the tube/bottle to the very last drop, open up the cap to dissolve and dilute the remaining 'usable' portion. That is for the last one shower, using diluted shower gel before I finally toss the container into the waste basket conveniently placed in the bathroom.

Yessss…… to the last drop!

I was looking out for a lotion to smother on my belly this morning and to my surprise I gathered…... eight unfinished containers of various brand lotions. All used but none finished.

We have: Boots' ante-natal massage cream, Marks & Spencer's Waterlily Hand and Body Lotion, The Body Shop's Soya Dry Oil Mist, The Body Shop's Almond & Honey Body Lotion, The Body Shop's Honey Body Butter, The Body Shop's White Musk Moisturizing Satin Spray, The Body Shop's Cocoa Butter Moisturizing Stick and lastly, The Body Shop's Vitamin C Stimulating Body Smoother. 

Surprisingly some of these were three years over due. ( I wonder if they are still good).

Anyway, as long as they smell good and I don't get rashes or die, I will continue using them until the last drop!!!

While I am strategically planning on which one to finish up first, the sweet smell of Strawberry Body Butter I just bought from The Body Shop would have to wait…….

Hmmmmm……

I am freaking out!

Mira has been asking about the kids and how she misses them. I guess it is hitting her harder than them (my kids). I guess kids have shorter memory span……when she and others who come to visit us left, my kids easily  forget them no matter how close they used to be when they were here. But, we (adults) will remember them (the kids) much longer..

SMS 1:

Mira: How are the kids

Me: They are good. Please send me your new add, we might wanna drop by when we  go back Ganu

SMS 2 :

Mira: My new add….bla bla. Hug and kisses for the kids.

Me: Will do.

So sweet,,,,,isn’t she?

Aha…..… After a few days, Zoul received an sms from the same number. This is what it said:

SMS 3 :

Dear Zoul…..how are the kids? I miss them so much. Please reply…

Weird…..  Zoul told me about the sms as he is getting uneasy..... It’s not that she does not have my number. Truth be told, it’s the "please reply" that really got to me..

Maybe there’s nothing to it.. it is just a friendly gesture. Maybe she wanted to convey a message that I did not get in the first two sms sent to my mobile…… Maybe she wants to come back and waiting for us to invite her over…… or…… (Gimme a break, I am trying to be positive here..).

So, we decided that I should reply from my mobile - just to set the record straight.

Me: The kids are good…..I told you so.

She did not reply. OK, no biggie.. All is well…

This morning, Zoul received a missed call from her…….

What the f……..

Me: Should I freak out?

Zoul: What have I done ?

Sara Zoul

I never know what to expect from her. She amazes me every single day with the things that she does. It’s hilarious really-seeing this little girl acting all grown up.

She speaks Spanish berabuk-abuk. (Even her English is Spanish-sounding)

She would ask me to go in a straight line with her for my turn going to the loo and daddy would be last in line

She recites before her meals Bismillahir rahmanir rahim (the only doa in Arabic she knows)

Thank you God for the food we eat.

Thank you God for the cat that mioew. (her pet)

She practices her concert pieces in the shower. (It is her kindy's’ playgroup class concert in two days and I am meeting her mom)

She knows exactly what she wants.

She loves dancing - with music or without in front of the telly, on the sidewalks, just about everywhere.

"Look, Nina. I dance!” she would say.

She knows her ABCs and 123s. She loves her stickers.

She loves to dress up and accessorizing. (she loves high heel shoes}

(That was what I wrote on the 6^th December in my old diary. I was with Sara and her daddy for a good two weeks of getting along together)

It was like only yesterday………..

Me: Sara is fast growing up. Maybe I should start planning for her wedding now…

Zoul: She is only 13

Hahahahaha……..

Happy Birthday Sara.

I love you……….

An old diary

I had this old leather bound diary which is quite in a sorry state, most treasured archive of old stories and events of years gone by. It was a freebie from an airline given away to their first class passengers and I got mine from one of those privileged ones on my first flight with Zoul to Spain……

I flipped thoroughly through the pages, highlighted phone numbers and names carelessly scribbled in places they shouldn’t be. There were calculations in pencils, email addresses boldly written in eyeliners/lipliners and cryptic messages that defy logic and common sense. Reading them again years after, it baffles me especially looking back at those numbers written in columns that say finance.

But that shows how organised I was……..

(Am still)

It is my 2006 diary – a year after graduation.

I was on a flight bound for Barcelona to meet Sara Zoul for the first time.