And that, is the only thing I need right now.

I've been diagnosed depression before.  I hid everything and kept things bottled up inside.  That was nearly ten years ago and I guessed I was lucky because I wasn't living in Mal at that time and I had mama with me. Mama was doing her PhD then. Mich left and two months later I got married to another man.

 

The country where I lived has a very good support towards this kind of illness and I was treated and taken care of very well. Family back home wouldn’t want to believe what I was going through and were in denial most of the time. Most of my relatives thought that the depression state I was in, as they call ‘gila’  was because I was not 'kuat iman’.

 

I was sad but glad because I was very far away from them. Mama and my husband took good care of me (he was the one who took me to the GP and sent me to the counseling sessions, that was more than enough support that I needed at that time)

 

I took all those pills prescribed but I did not like the effect (I was feeling hangover), so after discussing with my GP, he stopped the pills and I had to undergo the counseling sessions with a Phy****  until the GP was satisfied with the result. 

The session was a weekly activity that I really looked forward to at that time. I learnt that I should take life one step at a time and not to look and focus too much of the future, as it may look very dark and add the depression further... it is true that this illness takes time to cure..

Alhamdulillah it took me 1 1/2 year to finally cure from the depression.... 

Mama told me not to bother on what society or others will talk about me, to hell with them... take life a small baby step at a time and don’t be afraid to fall... do not care about others feeling, care about mine first.... have courage, there was nothing to be ashamed of!!


I recovered from my depression nearly eight years ago.  Those years were blur to me now. I can’t remember faces, what I did back then, and what really happened...but I remember the fear that justified the trauma I had until today. Back then, I didn't understand what was happening to me. I thought I was just built differently from everyone else.

Even though it took years to be cured, the one thing that made it all possible, was that my determination to get better.

At first, it was just a tiny whisper but later, the intention grew stronger and took hold of me over time……I was going to have a baby.

It's true, people will not understand. It's something you have to go through yourself. They can only stay behind you, in case you collapse. 

 And that, is the only thing I need right now.