Silence.... my best friend

Zoul: “Love?”

Me: “Yes?”  

Zoul: “A penny….?”

 Me: “Nothing much, really"

And our conversation stopped at that. Actually, I have always been afraid of silence.   But, much as I hate it, I realized at some point in our lives, we’re bound to run out of things to say or we’re bound to not want to speak to each other for a while.
I was aware that particular period of silence was agreed by both.Even without a word, his presence alone hit the spot. It was enough to know that I was there and so was he. We didn’t  need to say anything or do anything much. We could just sit there together for hours just staring blankly into space in silence.  True that life isn’t always flowery and nice. There are times we are at the bottom of the bottom and try to the best of our abilities to crawl out of it soon possible, but we still fail, just for that period of time only. .

Then, perhaps, that gruesome moment would pass and we will be able to move on.  Silence speaks when words can’t. Silence is a true friend who never betraysIt felt nice since silence doesn’t always have to be a negative thing.So, the only way to get up after a fall is to have another best shot all one’s got. And I guess the best to do that is by keeping a comfortable distance from stress. There are times when the best messages are delivered through the comfort of a comfortable silence.

Hati akan bersih

I should always pay heed to this story,

"Suatu pagi di hujung minggu, seorang budak bernama Mikail terdengar atuknya membaca Al-Quran. Sebaik sahaja atuknya selesai mengaji, dia terus menerpa ke atuknya lalu bertanya,

“Tuk, Mikail nak tanya ni. Tuk faham tak ape yang atuk baca tadi?”.

Dengan tenang atunya menjawab, “Mestilah faham cu. Dulu atuk pernah belajar bahasa arab dengan arwah bapa atuk. Kenapa cu?”

Mikail kemudian menyatakan pendapatnya tentang membaca Al-Quran. Dia memberitahu bahawa beruntunglah atuknya itu sebab tahu membaca dan memahami isi kandungan Al-Quran sedangkan dia hanya tahu membaca tapi tak faham langsung. Jadi tak ada faedah bagi dia membaca sebab tak faham. Serupalah jugak kalau kita membaca surat khabar bahasa jerman ke atau bahasa perancis. Baca boleh tapi apa pun tak faham.

Kemudian atuknya membawa Mikail ke luar rumah. Sampai sahaja di tasik berdekatan dengan rumahnya itu, disuruhnya Mikail untuk mengambil air dari tasik itu untuk diisi ke dalam baldi di hadapan rumahnya dengan menggunakan bakul sampah.

Mikail kehairanan memikirkan apa yang disuruh oleh atuknya itu. Namun tanpa berfikir panjang, dia lakukan juga. Selepas beberapa kali cuba, dia tidak dapat mengisi air ke dalam baldi tersebut. Mikail akhirnya berputus asa. Lalu dia pun berkata kepada atuknya,

“Atuk, dah banyak kali saya cuba tapi tak boleh jugak sebab air keluar daripada bakul ni. Macam mana?”

Kemudian atuknya memberitahu,

“Begitulah juga kalau kamu membaca Al-Quran tetapi tidak dapat menghayati isi kandungannya sebab tak faham. Meskipun baldi tersebut tidak dapat diisi, tapi bakul sampah tu tadi yang kotor sekarang sudah bersih. Begitu lah juga dengan hati kamu. Selagi kamu membaca Al-Quran, selagi itulah hati kamu akan sentiasa bersih.”"

InsyaAllah.

A five star SIL

 

Zoul isn’t a lelaki luar biasa. He is not so romantic but he is compassionate and generous definitely. A country boy at heart. I do honestly think he is suami luar biasa.

Zoul is the type who helps around a lot. That is the main reason why I don’t feel the pressing need to hire a live in maid since besides taking part doing the household chores together, he pays a weekly cleaning service to help major cleaning of our home when he is away for months offshore, working. In addition to the cleaning schedule for the day the ironing of the week is done as well.

His generosity melts me, and if he has to spend the last dollar (BND) in his wallet to make me the happiest woman on earth, he definitely would. Not forgetting his patient, loving and kind nature and he is a man good with kids.

Not long will he just be a husband, he will soon earn that most important title of a dad to our own kid soon. Even till now we are still at the late night movies, swimming and gym together off and on,

He might not been the knight in shining armor I was hoping for in six years friendship but he sure is my suami luar biasa now.  

I couldn’t ask for a better partner, a friend, a savior……. 

It feels like ages ago.

And I count my blessings for that. 

Mom said “He is a Five Star SIL”. 

Alhamdulillah.

Food cravings...

The thing that pregnancy does to you is sometimes, weird. I had no idea I would be affected especially by food cravings and this greatly differs from the regular craving I sometime had when I’m not pregnant and there were time the craving is a million times stronger.

There was once I woke up in the middle of the night with a burning desire for dabai. The last fruit I had had was three days earlier. Zoul thought the stock of fruits we brought from Seri Begawan could last a week before another friend coming back to Ganu, after completing an offshore job in Miri would bring me back more dabai. Dabai is a seasonal fruit that could be found in Borneo and we were back in Ganu for a long balik kampong holidays then.

I have no shame in crying and waking Zoul up in the middle of the night to go buy and prepare me dabai but where could he get the dabai since we were still in West Malaysian soil? Hey, what baby wants, baby gets, right? So I cried the whole night…..

Many of these cravings seem to come out of nowhere, and they can feel overpowering. What causes them? Hormones, right?  The extreme hormonal changes women go through during pregnancy can have a huge impact on taste and smell.

"There's no scientific explanation for food cravings. There's no data saying that what a woman craves is related to something her body or her baby needs, and there's no data to support that typical pregnancy food cravings are harmful, either," explains Judith Brown, author of What to Eat Before, During, and After Pregnancy.

Despite my constant bouts of vomiting my appetite hasn’t really been hampered much actually and I still eat as normally as I possibly can, in fact, I’ve been eating a little bit more especially a good dose of breakfast of rote canai or capati daily instead of crackers.  Not forgetting nasi lemak as well and I’ve been munching almonds and fruits in between meals. 

In addition, people telling me how wonderfully healthy I look right now, I thought, WOW, I’m all good.

As a result, I gained a whopping 3 kg.

For someone who hadn’t gained weight in the longest time, that was a shock for me. I could gain weight, apparently.

BUT…

I’m only supposed to gain 0.5 kg per month, and I don’t know if that's been possible for anyone to gain 3kg in within a month!  I was so determined not to gain that much anymore so I ditched rote canai and nasi lemak for boring plain bread.

Yesterday, for another check-up unrelated to antenatal, I lost 0.8kg.

It made me really happy

I'm ranting now

Comparing these two situations in which you are in....

(a) you are smart or beautiful and you realize and acknowledge it. You then act on it.

Or

(b)  you are smart or beautiful but you don't notice it. You have no idea, how much your beauty could make heads turn. Everything just looks "natural" because of the way you reacted, normal and ordinary..

Those belong in group (b) are mostly adored or favored at large because of their unconsciousness of them smart or beautiful somehow make them in vogue, elegant, chic and humble.

But most people will remember group (a) since they know how to continuously act on it. 

Eventually, group (b) will go unnoticed because they couldn't even bother to notice or bothered by their valuable assets themselves.

Sometimes, even if it's good to be in group (b) it's good to have a certain degree of consciousness as those belong in group (a) because that's just the way of the world. 

 

How am I to know ?

I still have that photo haunting me at the back of my mind. I have never seen his eyes so determined. And that photo permanently etched in my mind and constantly made me wonder about THAT girl. I always thought he was going to marry her. I’m sure at some point in his life he too, thought the same. 

But little did I know, he too, was going through one of the toughest, most heartbreaking moments in his life. I thought the same as well when it happened to us. Two broken hearts, cerita sama namun tak serupa. (similar situation but not the same).  We have similar objective; albeit different ways and means to reach there. 


I was always very careful with him. You can’t blame me; he did have a”reputation” that he proudly lived up to. I was dying to prove everyone wrong and wanted to believe that he was a nice guy after all but it was difficult to do that with everyone around against me. 


He stuck around me for a couple of years. He was always there and we communicated well. There were times when I felt that everything was going too fast, too soon and still, there he was and there I was letting myself falling freely. It was a scary feeling. To be honest, I often asked myself why did we let ourselves get into it. 


My favorite phrase “Mungkin Nanti”- Peter  Pan 

(how am I supposed to know he would turn into Peter Porn?).  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ8RQd1NLCw

Bidadara syurga mama.

The best stage of pregnancy is when it enters the second trimester. When primarily I was there, I realized it did not sequence as per detailed text by my pregnancy handout ie. my vomiting should stopped at the 12^th  to 16^th  weeks, but rather, proceeded into the 19^th to the 20^th week. 

My headaches subsided bit by bit by the 10^th week and found myself crawling back into my regular swimming setup and to top it off, Zoul took me to the L IYC and we went yatching at the Marina Wing. I was so happy he made it happened.

That was December. 

As I breathed in fresh air and smell the salty sea breeze I could feel the cold of the sea breeze glided my skin and through my hair. The waves were like sweet music as the delicate splashes of the sea rhymed soothingly to my ers. The memory of my childhood played back. When papa was posted there I was seven and we use to camp and fish nearby. The Marina Wing is not there yet. The huge rock at one side of the beach is no longer there either.

I miss the sea.

I miss my childhood days……

Anyway, the highlight of the past 3 weeks were belly watching by Zoul, Billi , Sara and I. I realized that belly watching at this time round is more fun since there are more of us in the family indulging in the activity compared to when I was carrying Billi nearly nine years ago. Way back then it was shared only by A and me.

…..the  first kick!

I was in the 19 weeks, was on my back, in my bed reading a book. A soft toy was on my belly with my hand over it and the next thing it goes TOING!. 

I was incredibly amazed, stunned by the sudden movements. I immediately threw the soft toy aside and stared at my belly for a good few minutes, waiting anxiously for more moves and.....yess. More moves! I shouted and shrieked and Zoul came running in alarm but in a few seconds was smiling joyfully ear to ear as excited as I was at the shivering motions my belly was making. 

Billi and Sara join in few minutes later. It is amazing how something so small could make us all happy and excited  and it is possible to love someone before actually meeting them first. 

Thereafter, my belly become a poking and rubbing target.  They respond well to Daddy’s constant poking and rubbing fingers. Occasional pokes and rubbings from Billi’s and Sarah’s fingers as well…. I could feel my belly stretched wider at each side. (I guess both were in their back to back position)There were times when my belly raised in the middle and the sides softer. (I guess both were facing each other, boxing)

Situation drastically changed when I was in my 21^st  weeks.

I wish Allah will give me the strength to write about him as a reminder to Billi, Sara and a daughter (she is due in approximately 19 weeks ) of a twin brother who never had the chance to see the world……

Nizam bidadara syurga mama.

(Aku akan terus berdoa agar dikuatkan hati, ditenangkan jiwa, berdoa dan merayu tanpa putus kepada Allah untuk diberi kesempatan ini sekali lagi... Amin)

Thank you.... SK

I don’t think I would intentionally want to shed off the little girl in me, but we eventually do, as we grow older.  We stopped being the innocent wide-eyed girl we once were and fairy tales are becoming silly tales when we began to realize the perfect prince in shining armor that swept us off our feet aren't near perfect after all. 

Going through thick and thin, we try to reduce and shield against negativity. But the negativity pulling factors leave no space and eventually we gave up.  We no longer know what it is that we should do to make ourselves happy and others happy as well. 

In the end, we are lost. 

Having life vision makes it unique. The first requirement is to know what we want. Most people can give a detailed list of what they don’t want but few could actually articulate in detail their desires in life.

But I know that no matter how much the walls close in on me, there’s always more people out there who are willing to remind me that no matter how old we get, we are growing old together. 

My glassball

A friend reminded me that work is a rubber ball and family is a glass ball.

One will bounce back if dropped, but the other will break. 

And I learnt the hard way that out of all the facets of the glass ball, I am probably the most fragile (for now), and I know if I break, everything else around me will crumble.

I've also learned that people who are nice on the surface may not be the kindest, and people who have been gossiped to be the worst of characters can be some of the nicest people and more understanding than you think. 

I will put my foot down and I'm learning to put my needs first before others’. I realized how much I needed to take care of myself, nurture my own self, and I just needed some time and space for MYSELF, for my own personal development and for some rest and soul-searching to do on my own.

No matter how much I rationalize that I need to put myself first, there's just a lot of guilt but  I know eventually I'll reach a balance between other people's needs and my own needs. 

It’s going to be a long, long time before I’d be able to say I have achieved that perfect balanced.

But for now, I’m all set on keeping my glass ball from breaking.

Budak kampung..

What do you like most about Zoul?

Budak kampung! (He is a country  boy)
Sangat budak kampung ..( A country boy at heart)

He loves the buzz of towns and constantly likes going out with friends and sitting with them drinking and doing other common stuff together…it’s fun!. 

At the same time he likes space and freedom. Best is, he knows how to treat a lady right (Galway girls) ie open doors…pull out chairs….at the same time, he knocks ‘em off ‘em pretty feet…  

Kalau balik kampong di Ganu….dia akan masuk kebun carik buah kelapa muda untuk dikait, jolok mangga dan kejar ayam (utk disembelih). Buat kerja2 kampung yang lasak. Tidak kesah mengotorkan diri untuk keje=keje sedemikian dan jelas dia memang budak kampung yang nakal. 

Abih buah rambutan atas pokok dirembat
Aku kira budak kampung sgt seksi..

Tak cerewet, tak berkira, selamba, penyayang, kelakar esp bila dia tersasul pronounce perkataan English dlm loghat Galway yg pekat likat…ramai yang termangu dok paham..

Comei nya.....!