Write it down

  

A friend told me, a dairy is where you write happy thought and beautiful moments of your life. Happiness that will stay there, in your diary, in your thoughts and memories and live by them for as long as you live..

It is true somehow.

But still....the moment I feel like writing is when I have sorrows in my heart.

Writing is a mean to channel my heartbreaks, my emotional turbulence, coping with loss of loved ones, separations, work stresses and so much more since forever.

 I simply like to write. From gibberish to thoughts, from frustrations to emotions, from love to hate to anger, some doodles and lots more.   

I wanted to write what is in my heart  but could find no words that'd do justice to what I feel right now.

Lotion commotion

I have in me, about completely finishing the usage of old stock toiletries till the last drop before opening up a new package. My shower gel for instance, I shake and squeeze the tube/bottle to the very last drop, open up the cap to dissolve and dilute the remaining 'usable' portion. That is for the last one shower, using diluted shower gel before I finally toss the container into the waste basket conveniently placed in the bathroom.

Yessss…… to the last drop!

I was looking out for a lotion to smother on my belly this morning and to my surprise I gathered…... eight unfinished containers of various brand lotions. All used but none finished.

We have: Boots' ante-natal massage cream, Marks & Spencer's Waterlily Hand and Body Lotion, The Body Shop's Soya Dry Oil Mist, The Body Shop's Almond & Honey Body Lotion, The Body Shop's Honey Body Butter, The Body Shop's White Musk Moisturizing Satin Spray, The Body Shop's Cocoa Butter Moisturizing Stick and lastly, The Body Shop's Vitamin C Stimulating Body Smoother. 

Surprisingly some of these were three years over due. ( I wonder if they are still good).

Anyway, as long as they smell good and I don't get rashes or die, I will continue using them until the last drop!!!

While I am strategically planning on which one to finish up first, the sweet smell of Strawberry Body Butter I just bought from The Body Shop would have to wait…….

Hmmmmm……

I am freaking out!

Mira has been asking about the kids and how she misses them. I guess it is hitting her harder than them (my kids). I guess kids have shorter memory span……when she and others who come to visit us left, my kids easily  forget them no matter how close they used to be when they were here. But, we (adults) will remember them (the kids) much longer..

SMS 1:

Mira: How are the kids

Me: They are good. Please send me your new add, we might wanna drop by when we  go back Ganu

SMS 2 :

Mira: My new add….bla bla. Hug and kisses for the kids.

Me: Will do.

So sweet,,,,,isn’t she?

Aha…..… After a few days, Zoul received an sms from the same number. This is what it said:

SMS 3 :

Dear Zoul…..how are the kids? I miss them so much. Please reply…

Weird…..  Zoul told me about the sms as he is getting uneasy..... It’s not that she does not have my number. Truth be told, it’s the "please reply" that really got to me..

Maybe there’s nothing to it.. it is just a friendly gesture. Maybe she wanted to convey a message that I did not get in the first two sms sent to my mobile…… Maybe she wants to come back and waiting for us to invite her over…… or…… (Gimme a break, I am trying to be positive here..).

So, we decided that I should reply from my mobile - just to set the record straight.

Me: The kids are good…..I told you so.

She did not reply. OK, no biggie.. All is well…

This morning, Zoul received a missed call from her…….

What the f……..

Me: Should I freak out?

Zoul: What have I done ?

Sara Zoul

I never know what to expect from her. She amazes me every single day with the things that she does. It’s hilarious really-seeing this little girl acting all grown up.

She speaks Spanish berabuk-abuk. (Even her English is Spanish-sounding)

She would ask me to go in a straight line with her for my turn going to the loo and daddy would be last in line

She recites before her meals Bismillahir rahmanir rahim (the only doa in Arabic she knows)

Thank you God for the food we eat.

Thank you God for the cat that mioew. (her pet)

She practices her concert pieces in the shower. (It is her kindy's’ playgroup class concert in two days and I am meeting her mom)

She knows exactly what she wants.

She loves dancing - with music or without in front of the telly, on the sidewalks, just about everywhere.

"Look, Nina. I dance!” she would say.

She knows her ABCs and 123s. She loves her stickers.

She loves to dress up and accessorizing. (she loves high heel shoes}

(That was what I wrote on the 6^th December in my old diary. I was with Sara and her daddy for a good two weeks of getting along together)

It was like only yesterday………..

Me: Sara is fast growing up. Maybe I should start planning for her wedding now…

Zoul: She is only 13

Hahahahaha……..

Happy Birthday Sara.

I love you……….

An old diary

I had this old leather bound diary which is quite in a sorry state, most treasured archive of old stories and events of years gone by. It was a freebie from an airline given away to their first class passengers and I got mine from one of those privileged ones on my first flight with Zoul to Spain……

I flipped thoroughly through the pages, highlighted phone numbers and names carelessly scribbled in places they shouldn’t be. There were calculations in pencils, email addresses boldly written in eyeliners/lipliners and cryptic messages that defy logic and common sense. Reading them again years after, it baffles me especially looking back at those numbers written in columns that say finance.

But that shows how organised I was……..

(Am still)

It is my 2006 diary – a year after graduation.

I was on a flight bound for Barcelona to meet Sara Zoul for the first time.

Hello Jack...S

I should think I have gone through all the worst days of my o&g working life. After having been in the frontier of the exploration and production for nearly ten years I don’t stumbled on my words or scratched my head looking for the precise words to further explain and report current situation.

There were a few occasions when I could not figure out how to answer in a very politically correct tone when some BOD members raised questions which may not be that relevant to current topic being discussed during a meeting, without me sounding condescending.

There were also testing times when I had to maintain my coolness emotionally although it was very clear that those meetings with 99.9% were male delegates trying to gang up on me pushing all the blames onto me while it was clear that it was a bit of everybody’s fault working as a team.

I should think after years of accumulating the tips and tricks of growing thick skin and maintaining poker face in all kinds of bad situations, I have learnt them all. Yes, sir. Give me all shapes and sizes of o&g demons and lemons, somehow I will find my way to squeeze  lemonades out of them expertly. Without fail......

I miss you….partner of work and crimes.

Mr. di Tozo aka Jack Sparrow.

My SIL......

Zoul has only one sister and in a matriarch way of living like his family, my SIL is very much the Steele Magnolia of the family, especially since the passing of my MIL a year ago, SIL is the head of my husband’s side of the family now, literally.

There is Bang Long, Bang Ngah, Bang Teh, Bang Tam, Bang Lang and all of them living in KL. So is SIL, she lives in KL but makes lots of effort to go back to the family home once a month, although the house then seem like a haunted house. She makes arrangement for someone to mend the house and mow the lawn.

She makes sure the orchard is well-maintained, making it easy for everyone to drop by when rambutan, durian, duku, langsat, cempadak seasons are there. She would be the centre contact point, keeping tract of everyone’s well beings, host the get-together hari raya event, kenduri, majlis kahwin, bertunang, cukur jambul and making sure each family is informed on the important dates even when MIL was still around.

She would make the effort to visit sick siblings as well as informing the rest on the recuperating progress. Presently, she is very much looking forward for her daughter’s graduation, her first job and maybe deep in her heart, preparing herself to be a MIL soon, busy filtering interested young men suitable to potentially become her son-in-law.

Zoul is particularly very close to her and he is the apple of her eyes and to her, he is still her little Acu, the youngest brood in her family who looks up to her and ibu (my late MIL) so dearly. It was only five months ago when we were exchanging notes with her on things-to-do and things-to-see in Spain, for her family vacation to Spain end of the year.  SIL was on top of the world then!

It was during L’s kenduri cukur jambul back at the family home, Zoul and I started noticing her drastic changes in her physical appearances, her lack of appetite, weight loss, her paled look and continuous fatigue, which is very puzzling since the only medical concern we know of, is her slight high blood pressure.

It was like an explosive blown on our faces after knowing  that she actually is suffering from kidney cancer of stage 4! Doctor’s verdict, it is incurable and she only has about a year to go! How anyone in this situation feels?

Sad?

Surprised?

Frustrated?

Angry?

Confused?

All of the above!

I never thought I would be watching my husband’s tears streaming down again, so soon after he lost his mother. I can sense it is the exact same feeling. The only difference is that, in SIL’s case he is being pre-warned! I love her very much and she is the only sister I ever have!!  

It is heart-wrecking to watch her crumbles day by day, watching the transformation of a plucky, active, happy go lucky lady to a completely different person to one third of her actual size, bedridden and her teeth starts falling.

How can I look into her eyes, encourage her to fight the sickness and prove the medical specialist is completely wrong each time we are online, when I myself am not sure that she will ever be herself again. There are prayers, Yassin recital I would do daily but what do I say to her who. as doctor calls it, a terminally ill?

May Allah give me, my husband, and the whole family the strengths and guidance we really need in this time of crisis……

Distance and time had seen to it that I can only watch from afar. When I am back in my own home alone I’d watch the vedios again and again and cry silently at my own inability to do more than this…..