What I ought to and not what I want

Being Malay in Malaysia normally means you are born in Muslim family. My mom however only started wearing hijab full-time when she was in her late thirties and progressing to be more religious as the years passes by and she spends most of her free time now reading, reciting the Qur'an more comprehensively.

My dad a happy go lucky chap but a heavy smoker hardly missed solats keeps a barrier from most things haram. Both my brothers don't smoke, gamble or drunk were in their twenties when they became more conscientious Muslims.

For me aside from reminders by mom and my late grandmas about not missing my prayers and frequent nags about dressing decently, Islam was never forced upon me strictly.

It wasn't until I moved to Sydney for my uni level that Islam started playing a bigger role in my life .It was a completely different experience and it led me to question and think about Islam on a deeper level. I made friends and they would ask me questions about Islam and sometimes I wouldn't quite know how to respond. I felt silly not knowing the answers to some of the questions forward to me. .

Questions such as

 "Why do Muslim women cover their head and why don't you cover yours?"
"Why divorce is permitted in Islam? It's forbidden in Catholicism and that's how it should be."
"Why there is no equality between Muslim men and women?"

The same question were directed to me when I started working overseas where 95% of my co workers are non Muslims.Somehow this inspired me to learn more about Islam and in all my years of trying to become so Western, I failed to realize the beauty of my own culture and religion. 

I'd brush up on my Islamic knowledge by reading more book  about Islam by Muslims, books about Islam by Christians, books about other religion as well. I listen and watch talks by prominent Islamic scholars such as Yusuf Estes, Bilal Philips and Abdurraheem Green and documentaries about history of Islam. I watched Parables in the Quran and stairways to Paradise by Moez Masoud., 

  

 I still hold on strongly to my Malay tradition and I may not be the best Muslim but I am grateful my faith stronger and my life is a jihad against my nafsus and it is important for me to recognize the true meaning of freedom ie the ability to do what I ought to and not what I want to.