Me.

You will eagerly try to re-trace your steps when you've misplaced something as it might spark any recollection of your memory to have them back and coming back to Malaysia is partly my final attempt to re-trace my steps and find "me" again. It's not uncommon for Malaysian Muslims moving abroad and they were then caught up in the secular Western life but it was the opposite for me.

I didn't truly want to understand Islam until I "found" Islam in Spain. I appreciate my faith more when I started interacting with the Muslims here. They come from various background and culture but I found it overwhelming at times when some of them ridiculously impose their tradition and culture  on me at the same time.

I am taking a step back so I could spend more time with my mom to find clues about who I am and with her I get flashbacks especially while looking through old photo albums. In order to understand myself I have to understand my roots and even though both my parents are Malaysians I am a product of a fusion of two cultures because of the way they chosen to raise us their children. It’s not a big deal but when you try to figure where you belong it gets a bit confusing, which part of me is Western and which part of me is Eastern.

Many people feel they can't be practicing Muslims because it will contradict with who they are and what their culture is but it doesn't have to be that way. I've learned that Islamic beliefs may not align with my lifestyle and I have to make adjustments not in being who I am but in the way I am living (my lifestyle). I have lived in a Western environment for many years - my family, the college and uni I attended, my present friends and  work and what I've known all my life. Asking me to omit Western influence out of my life is like asking me to ignore or remove a significant part of my identity.

Since working overseas for nearly two years ago I felt I am not completely me. It was as if I had lost a part of myself. When you're trying to become a better Muslim it's very easy to get caught up in the halal's and haram's. It’s very subconscious but also a result of people projecting their idea of the ideal Muslim woman out of me.

I miss being "me" without people judging. I understand why people have expectations of me and I'm sure most of them have the best of intentions but they don't personally know me, the life I've been through and the effort I'm making to be a better Muslim but I don't want being labeled a "religious" Muslim.

I'm Muslim. That's it.

I stumble. I make mistakes and don't always follow the "rules". I'm not the most knowledgeable but I tried and keep on trying my best to learn. I am always praying for His guidance in all of my affairs. I've come to a point where I think it's more important for me to be myself and sincere in all my efforts. I want people to relate to me as a person before they relate to me as a Muslim. None of us are going to get things right all the time. If you see any good in me then all of the credit is due to Allah and only the mistakes have been mine

I am battling my war with an inner struggle. Even the "outer struggles", hijab and wearing modest  begins with an inner struggle.  I reminded myself of Imam Suhaib Webb's words, "Better to be a sincere struggler than a fake saint”.

I'm Muslim.