Emptiness....

Re-started swimming yesterday....  I felt my life empty

Even when I'm already planning to do my rescue course in 3 weeks' but I still feel as if I am walking in the dark, reaching out to shadows of things and people that used to be there. 
I need to shape up...I need  to exercise 3 times a week for at least 20 minutes but not doing it makes me a hypocrite.

I managed to do 500m yesterday (300m non stop followed by another 200m)...I thought it was a good attempt. Today I did 650m (initial 450m non stop)...

Let's see how far I can push myself (planning to swim daily 1000m non stop)

It is difficult to excite me with anything I do nowadays. I feel so empty. There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled again.

I am not sure if it's because of what happened recently. I am not sure if I am feeling this way because I feel as if nothing I do will ever be enough. I am so close to getting someone to share my life but…

I don't know if I can trust myself or others who claimed to want to know and be with me but maybe what I need is the realization that at least I loved and lost, which which is better than to have never loved……. 

Would you like to be a cat?

At least we all tried to live our life the best way we could. The best for everything we do and to have the biggest of everything we own ( I am thankful for what I have even if  it's not the biggest)  That is how we are taught since at a very young age to excel and be the best in everything. But somehow due to the influence of  people around and with the additional vigorous and zippy environment we gradually change the way we think and we grow up flawed /defective and sometime running into all sorts of problems/troubles. 

(some changes are good for the soul though)

But that is part and parcel of being human. If you think it's easier to be a cat instead, you are totally wrong. Sarah wrote… "Sofie is pregnant again, and she's depressed, and distressed, because she's pregnant again especially when she is always horny.. I  think there are at least 5 kittens inside her".

What's a cat to do? Especially when she's always horny and there’s no one to take her to the vet since we the adults are away working. She just can't go to the clinic and tell the vet to fix her up. She's a cat.

And here we are complaining about being human.

Would you like to be a cat now?

That is all that matters for her...

I got an email from my cousin who is still in primary….“Why is mama lonely when she has us? She is not love us anymore? Adik is still in primary and mama should first take care of Adik. Pesal mama nak kahwin?! ”

I seriously don’t know how to answer that.How do you explain something like this to a child?

The last time I spoke to her she told me that she hates the guy. Another sibling, she will be sitting for her SPM examination next year and she said if mom were to marry that guy, she would purposely fail her exam. The eldest son has not come home and refused to talk to his mom nearly half a year now. I told them that it is normal for them to feel and reacted that way but they need to understand, their mom may be lonely that’s why she decided to remarry.

My aunt, a 49 year old widow is getting married next week. She told my dad (her brother) that she wants to marry her old flame, a 65 year old man.

Her husband-to-be is an Indian convert. They planned to get married 25 years ago but my granddad was against the marriage because he was not a Muslim. So they split but the guy had never stopped loving her. However, he married another woman and my aunt too got married to another guy 20 years her senior. She was married to her husband (now deceased) only after my granddad had passed away because he did not like him either. My granddad was a very difficult man to please but I guess he wanted the best for his only daughter.

All of us thought she would never remarry after the death of her husband from a fatal heart-attack more than four years ago. She loves him and could not cope with his death, became distant from her children and fell into a state of depression. She gave up her job, did not want to meet anyone and continue with her life by watching lots of television back then. It took her nearly a year to bounce back to life.

Even knowing her children are against her decision, she still wants to go ahead with the akad nikah ceremony next week. Rarely a person gets a second chance to be with their first love. On one hand I can understand how she feels but on the other hand I can’t help but feel she’s making a big mistake. She does not care of what her kids think of her marrying that guy, as long as she can be with him that’s all that matters.

I seriously hope my aunt is doing the right thing.

A friend..

There were times when words we said which was meant as a joke could be construed wrongly and involuntarily hurt others. A damage is done and a friendship is broken unless one forgives easily and not hold  grudges for a long time then it’s easier to ask for forgiveness. But for some whose hearts are hard as rock it could take days or even years for them to forgive you.

No matter how many friends you have, maintaining a friendship is not easy.
“A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself”

I remember when my marriage failed that was a point in my life when I felt all alone.  I had a very low self-esteem and I felt unwanted and not worthy of being loved.  I was not as pretty as all the other lawyer chicks that he was working with at that time and I did not possess the same level of intellectual as he did. (He was a lawyer and I was a freshman)

 Friends were consoling me and telling me what a prick he was. That anyone would be lucky enough to have me as a wife as I was smart, witty and that I have a great personality. Of course I did not believe a word since I thought they were only saying all these to make me feel better. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate their kind words but after a while I tend not to believe it even though I know they have got the best interest at heart.

At my worst, L said that if I thought I was ugly, I should change the way I look and if I thought I was fat I should go loose some weight.  “Whatever the mind conceive and believe, you will achieve.” 

He did not try to console me by singing praises to me. All he ever wanted was for me to get back my self-esteem so that I would feel better inside.  He stood by me and never let me give up. I would wake up suddenly at night and feel like crying and I would call him and he would just listen. He would not offer any advice unless I asked. Whenever I was whining about never finding a guy that could love me the way I wanted to be love he would tell me to shut-up and stop feeling sorry for myself. It sounded cruel  but it was the best thing he could have said to me at that point of time.

We haven’t spoken for quite sometime but we know deep in our hearts that we are friends for life. We don’t talk for months and when we talked it was as if we have just spoken to each other only yesterday. He is kinda when you  sit under a tree together, not spoken any words, then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation that you ever had. To me that’s the best kind of friend.

 I could always trust him to tell me the truth even when it hurts. For that I would always cherish my friendship with him until the day I die.

Currently....

Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

I Am Single.

Free.

Independent.

Alone.

Stupendous.

Amazing.

What's your choice dude?

There's an old joke that goes: Good girls say, "No;" bad girls ask, "When?"

But most men want the best of both worlds: a princess on the street and threat them with respect and a whore in the bedroom who acts like a wildcat in heat between the sheets. So just what are the advantages and disadvantages of dating bad girls and good girls? And is it possible to somehow combine the two types into one perfect woman?

Let’s look at some of the qualities embodied by the Bad Girl (BG):

The Goods on the BG

  She's fun

She party all night, drink herself into a stupor and still get up the next day and be ready for more. She'll laugh and flirt, and make you feel like a man.

  She's exciting

BG is a walking adrenaline rushes. For her, life is a roller coaster ride, and it'll get your blood singing just to be along for the trip and they never have time for introspection or depression -- they're too busy grabbing the world by the horns.

  She craves sex

She loves men and makes no bones about it. She's more than happy to fulfill any fantasy you can dream up. She's the kind who will tear up the sheets while she's screaming out her seventh orgasm in a row (you'll feel like you're the king of the sexual world). And you won't have to deal with any head games -- she's more than happy to seduce you 24/7.

  She's an eye candy

They are usually very attractive with jaw-dropping figures -- the ultimate "hot babes." They know how to walk the walk and catwalk their stuff. They automade themselves the center of male attention and love plunging necklines, bare midriffs, high heels, skirts hemmed at mid-thigh, strapless anything, and sexy lingerie (if she wears any underwear at all….hahahaha).

  She ups your status

When you have a stunner like this on your arm, all other men are jealous and women are intrigued, and immediately your stud rating soars into the stratosphere. You'll be the stuff of legends when you regale your buddies with tales from your bedroom.

The Bads on the BG

  She's untrustworthy

All men want her and she knows it, and she's definitely a serial flirt. Because she's such a sexual animal, she's apt to seduce anyone who strikes her fancy, so you shouldn't expect a BG to be loyal.

  She's dangerous

She's the type who will go 100 in a 30 kmph zone just because she likes the rush. She may be into drugs or excessive alcohol consumption. She's spontaneous, unpredictable and wild.

  She makes a bad partner

They are extremely self-obsessed and selfish. They think about one person: themselves. They're extravagant and will spend their last dime on themselves. They don't settle down comfortably. For these reasons, they usually make lousy wives and mothers, and rarely survive lifelong relationships.

  She is expensive

No low-maintenance here -- from day one she'll be looting your wallet for expensive meals, trips and jewelry. The typical BG sets a very high price on the use of her vagina, and if you don't want to cough up the cash, there'll be plenty of guys panting in the wings to pay her price.

The goods on the good girl (GG)

  She's wholesome and nice

A GG is rarely bitchy or "empowered." (there are good girls who can be a bitch when they have to) She's pleasant to be around and has a positive attitude toward life. She'll go out of her way to help you or take care of you when you're sick, and when problems arise, she'll discuss them calmly, instead of flying into a rage or screaming at you just because you're a "man."

  She's a clean slate

With her limited sexual experience, a GG doesn't have a lot of men to compare you to and won't expect you to be a world-class lover.

  She's unlikely to cheat on you

A GG tends to be homebodies, not party girls. Because she doesn't present herself in the same sexually-alluring manner that a BG does, you won't have to worry about a lot of other guys coming on to her. A GG  wants to find the one true love of her life and stay with him until death do them part, instead of seducing half the male population before she gets too old.

 She's often your best friend

She genuinely enjoys your company and gives back to you as much as she takes. When you're gone, she misses you; when you're at home, she showers you with attention (Does this type of woman really exist?).

  She's easier on finances

GG can rate low on the maintenance scale -- they're much more likely to share dating expenses (just because it's the right thing to do), and if you get married, she'll happily throw her paycheck in with yours to pay the mortgage and bills (excuse me darling..your money is mine and my money is mine alone..heheh).

She makes a good wife & mother and a typical GG is practical, down-to-earth and nurturing. She loves children. She usually comes from a good family and wants to carry on those family values in her own life.

The Bads on the GG

  She's about as exciting as vanilla

Since she'd rather stay at home reading a book than go out partying, life with a GG can be a bit uneventful.

  She can be a sexual dud

GG are often boring in bed, either from lack of experience or lack of desire. Sex with her is predictable. She rarely inspires lust and will probably wait for her man to initiate lovemaking. This can leave the typical guy very unfulfilled, his gaze straying toward that BG over there with the unfettered nipples and the long wraparound legs.

  She's fashionably comfortable

She wears her hair pulled back and little make-up. She prefers sweats and tennis shoes to mini skirts and pumps. Oftentimes, you can forget about thong underwear.

The Good to Bad…

So the question remains: Which one should you choose? The obvious answer is that the perfect woman would embody the best of both of these types -- the niceness and loyalty of the good girl and the sexual abandon of the bad girl.

While such women may exist naturally out there, it's more likely that, to achieve this ideal, you'll have to train a good girl to be bad.

How?

Well, this may not be an easy task, because many good girl have been brainwashed by mom or school into thinking that "bad" is inherently wrong. So the trick is to encourage her natural sexuality. Make her comfortable with sex. Romance her. Tell her how sexy she is when she seduces you or fulfills your fantasies -- or how satisfying it is to fulfill hers. Let her understand that great sex between the two of you can create an awesome bond, and that it is -- ultimately -- "good."

So while bad girl can be exciting, they're usually only worth it in the short term. If you can find a good girl and turn her into a sexual animal, you may just have found the perfect woman. And pretty soon, your GOOD GIRL may be asking, "When?"

-Matthew Fitzgerald, the author of Sex-Ploytation-

** Somehow I believe most Malaysian girls are GOOD GIRLS . Hehehe...but there's no harm in being a lil bit naughty :)

"Aku terima......"

 Almost half of my married friends are getting divorced. One of them is getting a divorce because her husband is having an affair with another woman. Another guy is divorcing his wife because he recently found out she was a lesbian.

 I thought when you get married you had promised to love each other till the day you die. Why the divorce? What went wrong? Is it because they got married too early or is it because it's the only way to fill up their lonely life? Did they get married because their parents decide it is time for them to do so? Did they get married because they just want children? Are those valid reasons to get married? Some people regards  marriage a gamble and thus it could go either way and it goes with this sayings "Never trust your spouse 100%".


With all these negative views about marriage, I can’t help but think about my late grandparents. They are both teachers and the most loving couple I ever knew. After their retirement every day around 5pm, both will have tea together prepared  by my Tok Yang in the garden. They would talk about everything under the sun, most frequently the wellbeing of their children and grandchildren. They walked side by side holding hands and I could hear Tok Yang occasional laugh at Tok Ayah’s jokes . Tok Ayah was really a funny man.

I want that kind of relationship, an everlasting love affair. My significant other should love me pasionately but not  too much  until I can’t breath. He has to share  my interest on music, movies and yellow. He listens when I rambled about my crummy day I had. He must be brave enough to go scuba diving once a while with me. I’m pushing it a wee bit. Hehehehe…

So what makes a happy and lasting marriage? Let me know quick because I don’t wanna stumble and fall flat on my butt on my way there…to hear him say "Aku terima..............."