Where lies the harmonies.....

Mount Warning and its attendant national park are known as Wollumbin meaning ‘cloud catcher’ in the Bundialung language. I sat calmly exercising my eyes, sighting  Mount Cougals twin peak as the sun set and I often wondered if those stories I heard from the locals has any significant of how I felt while I was there, in the heart of those beautiful valleys between those two mountains. It was said to be a sacred place for the natives once upon a time ago. Mount Cougal represents the feminine energy while Mount Warning the masculine energy.

I felt magnetized as I continually sat gazing the shining stars above and those winkling lights moving towards the west boundaries only to realize it was the lights from moving planes flying towards Coolangata Airport. It is only a 45 minute drive from where I was staying then.

A day before I left Murwillumbah…I met Alain….a ranger from Wollumbin State Forest….

"Everyone's so domestic," he said. "People who have settled into their lives, gotten married, having children and some almost stuck in a rut. " 

What he said reminded me of my younger days, I was so young and passionate and thought I could change the world and the challenges that came with it. I was idealistic and not yet tinged with the cynicism of age and the responsibilities of family. 

For some people being domestic is the closest they get to their happiness and their inner peace. Not everyone is cut out to change the world, and not everyone is interested in doing so.

It's frustrating at the number of people especially intelligent ladies who have so much potential within, but choose to give it up by early marriage and once they do, it's almost as if they're shackled down, trapped in their personal bubble of domestic bliss, oblivious to the fact that there is a world,  passing them by.

"Is, being married and settling down automatically makes people boring?" I ask Alain

"To a lot of them it's a sacrifice of their personal hopes and dreams. It's entirely fair to do that, because it's a personal choice, but I feel as if marriage and children are just a waste for some people - and for others,  - let's just say I don't feel that certain people should get married at all!"

"I'm commitment phobic, so I can't say - but I do believe that having children is something that should be thought through well.  Some people are so focus with family life and they lost interest in other things outside their family."

Whatever makes people happy…….and the heart of these two valleys as believed by the natives is perfect spot for those seeking inner peace as it is the intersection of these feminine and masculine energies in which lies harmonies….

Thank you my love

Relationship involves letting someone sincerely into your life and into your heart. Sometimes it happens in a strange and tricky ways. Recollecting mine, it changed my attitude and headspace.

The past mostly has change my perspective about my own feelings in a lot of ways, made me feel uncertain and doubted my own abilities to maintain a good long live relationship. I've thought many times that I'm probably best off at being single, but that doesn’t always happen the way I thought or planned.

You can’t stop your heart from loving someone even while your mind won’t let you and sometimes you want to love someone but you are not capable to.

I am a think tank who thinks too much and has the tendency to overanalyze everything.

He said I always wanted things my way which blinded me and not see his point of view – It took me ten years to realize it and he's probably right.

It is difficult letting someone into my life who is entirely at odds with my entire way of thinking. We are so different and the smallest things triggered points of anger and we clash over things that I would have never considered to be significant in the past.

I have never considered myself to be unreasonable but our clashes highlighted the unbending nature of my personality.

With the next guy there is never a conflict because his thoughts are mostly the same way as mine and he had always given way to my needs and wants no matter how strange and expensive they could be.

Both made a comeback joining force with me to complete a mission to be accomplished in six months.

This is the first time I have experienced the tumultuous side of relationships, the turbulence of passion, the first time I have experienced such huge ranges of emotion.

I find myself giving in as my ego struggling against it and I am forced to reevaluate myself of what I want and of my own needs and the journey has been one that has opened my eyes to a lot of things.

This is a journey of many more journeys to come – some has been good, some bad, and I’m constantly reminded that some journeys are meant to be journeyed alone and some paths are best walked with another.

I suppose you are meant to walk with me.

Thank you my love. 

During Labour

 I could see two nurses and a doctor racing against time. 


I wanted to have a normal delivery but it wasn’t possible for me and the best way possible was by a C-Section (unplanned c-section)

Yes, childbirth is painful;

Being in pain does not mean a woman in labour need to overturn herself side to side on the bed. This will exhaust her of her energy, and lose the will and urge to push when it is truly needed.  When mothers exhaust themselves before time to push, it will endanger the baby.

I was in a lot of pain but my cervix wasn't fully open, and the doc estimated I would deliver in an hour. I was moaning in pain and when I started frantically overturning myself, I was immediately pegged and console by hubby as the delivery prolonged.

I was almost driven mad and was perspiring profusely despite hubby telling me to calm down. I feel that the delivery is too long and too painful, At the peak of my pain, the doctor sat me down and told me to listen to her.

She told me exactly what to do and how to push. I am to use the pain to push out the baby, and that it would be important to keep the push going right through the contractions. She told me what they were doing and why, and why I should conserve my energy throughout the process so I could focus totally on the labour.

When push came to shove, I focused and push but the baby stopped moving down the birth canal and attempts to stimulate contraction to get things moving again can’t worked.

That is when I was wheeled to the OT. I already had an epidural for pain relieve during labour and it would be used for the c-section as well but before surgery, I got an extra medication for complete numbness…….

A few hours later as I held him first time in my arms, I had to hold back my tears. There's something about bringing life into the world that becomes very emotional for me, the strength of a mother’s bond and her love during the unbearable pain of labour.

Yes, childbirth is painful

I wish for a normal delivery……(will, will, will and will…)

Selamat hari wanita... dr wanita utk wanita

Ladies…it is important to keep track of your periods because when it comes to pregnancy, it's all about dates - and the correct ones! 

So many things can go wrong during pregnancy, but these risks could be minimized by having proper follow up. I’ve read about a mother who delivered past her date and had to deliver a really big baby, and there are cases of intrauterine deaths (stillbirth) because of the lack of awareness regarding risk factors surrounding pregnancy. 

Being sure of your dates is essential and if you have your dates wrong, it means your estimated due date will be off. A lot of management revolves around the correct dates – and it could make a difference delivering a premature baby versus a term one. 

So ladies, remember your periods – try and write it down in a diary/phone. If you are of a childbearing age and sexually active, it is really important to be aware of things like these.  

Selamat Hari Wanita....

And that, is the only thing I need right now.

I've been diagnosed depression before.  I hid everything and kept things bottled up inside.  That was nearly ten years ago and I guessed I was lucky because I wasn't living in Mal at that time and I had mama with me. Mama was doing her PhD then. Mich left and two months later I got married to another man.

 

The country where I lived has a very good support towards this kind of illness and I was treated and taken care of very well. Family back home wouldn’t want to believe what I was going through and were in denial most of the time. Most of my relatives thought that the depression state I was in, as they call ‘gila’  was because I was not 'kuat iman’.

 

I was sad but glad because I was very far away from them. Mama and my husband took good care of me (he was the one who took me to the GP and sent me to the counseling sessions, that was more than enough support that I needed at that time)

 

I took all those pills prescribed but I did not like the effect (I was feeling hangover), so after discussing with my GP, he stopped the pills and I had to undergo the counseling sessions with a Phy****  until the GP was satisfied with the result. 

The session was a weekly activity that I really looked forward to at that time. I learnt that I should take life one step at a time and not to look and focus too much of the future, as it may look very dark and add the depression further... it is true that this illness takes time to cure..

Alhamdulillah it took me 1 1/2 year to finally cure from the depression.... 

Mama told me not to bother on what society or others will talk about me, to hell with them... take life a small baby step at a time and don’t be afraid to fall... do not care about others feeling, care about mine first.... have courage, there was nothing to be ashamed of!!


I recovered from my depression nearly eight years ago.  Those years were blur to me now. I can’t remember faces, what I did back then, and what really happened...but I remember the fear that justified the trauma I had until today. Back then, I didn't understand what was happening to me. I thought I was just built differently from everyone else.

Even though it took years to be cured, the one thing that made it all possible, was that my determination to get better.

At first, it was just a tiny whisper but later, the intention grew stronger and took hold of me over time……I was going to have a baby.

It's true, people will not understand. It's something you have to go through yourself. They can only stay behind you, in case you collapse. 

 And that, is the only thing I need right now.

 

 

The progress

Not that anyone care but let me write.

I am feeling much better from.., was it two weeks  ago?. Sleeping is still a problem, I am now on stilnox but no more experiencing hallucination.

But.

I am still not ready to meet anyone *other than the usual people that I am currently meeting*. I am eager to blog, write and  reply emails and comments. Thanks peeps for writing them. :)

I get panic and anxious over small things –  being late, when I am alone, too many peeps crowding and loud voices. I mean not that I used to love them but it was tolerable before but now I will get this panic attack that will cause me to vomit.

Oh yes, I did, several time.

I easily lose my patience lately. I used to avoid arguments but now, there’s like fire raging.

Suicidal thoughts? Never –  good.

Tendency to hurt myself?  Sometimes – but I managed to avoid doing it.

Ok, let’s go outside and smoke.

You have a lighter please?

Ha ha ha ha……..

Aku ni memang jenis kelamkabut. ( These happened during the peak of my illness).

It was, first time that I saw an African p******trist. I was telling him about how I feel when I started crying.

He pulled out tissues from a dispenser . I don't need  toilet paper? He handed them to me.

(Aku pandang tissue tu dan muka aku mula berkerut. Tissue toilet? Kleenex tak ada ke?)

And I said, “it’s ok Doc., I have my own tissue”

(Sambil mengambil sepeket kleenex dari dalam bag aku)

The doc looked at me with a straight face…..

(Dia bagaikan berkata  “WTFFFFFFFFF? Kau tu dahla sakit, sempat lagi nak memilih!” Maksudnya, boleh tak fokus pada masalah kau dari memikirkan hal bongok seperti jenis tissue?)

Hmmmm….. what to do, that’s me.

I was also diagnosed with a stomach problem and I thought it was not that bad but Doc. didn’t think so.

(Kerana aku dah beberapa hari tak berak so he prescribed me pills and laxative. Walaupun mild, tiba-tiba aku terasa nak terkincit.)

I was already on drugs since few days, and there are bars around my bed and each time I need to use the toilet, I have to press the button to call the nurse.

(Bayangkan azabnya aku nak menahan kincit dalam keadaan high sambil menunggu bantuan nurse, aku bukan berak keras boleh tahan-tahan. Dahla tengah high, macamana nak kemut kuat-kuat).

I told the nurse I don’t want any laxative.

When she asked why, I answered..

‘I don’t want to soil my underwear!’

(Bila ingat balik terasa sangat malu tapi aku memang jenis  suka memalukan diri sendiri. Bilakah agaknya aku akan jadi seorang yang compose dan cool?)

Haihhhhh.

"Love just is."

After reading Witch of Portobello, one very important massage I got is to be true to yourself and be who you're.

As the book begins, Athena is dead and the child, Sherine Khalil renames herself Athena. She shows a strong religious vocation and reports seeing angels and saints when she was a child, which both impresses and worries her parents.

She grows into a woman in search of answers to many questions that arise within a person. She has a contented life but her mind is not at ease. So she sets out to find answers to the classical question of "Who am I?". In her quest, she opens her heart to intoxicating powers and becomes a controversial spiritual leader in London.

Now, let’s talk about love.

In a relationship we dream and plan together to make the future. There is fate and qadr, but we make the conscious choice whether it will work out or not.

When I was eighteen, Mich told me that he hoped I was his constant future. At eighteen, that sounded so brazenly romantic. I made the decision to be in his future, but decisions switched and our relationship ended. I was eighteen, young, naïve and innocent.

Life goes on. A marriage vow broken, then more promises made and broken, and few more heartbreaks. And today, I'm here making the decision to be constant again and the other half makes the same choice.

…… love just is. There is this unexplained feeling of happiness that makes me just want to smile but there are other times I feel like screaming because end of the day, he is just a man.

They do not have the capacity to really grasp the meaning of life. Or love. But you can never say that he does not care or love. He does, his own way. You just cannot expect them to love, the way women do. If you do that, you'll definitely go lesbian.... Seriously.

Love is as corny as it sounds, it's true. Ask anyone who are still together. They argue, have their share of disagreements but underneath, they always remember, they love and will not forget that day when they looked into each other's eyes, and say, you're the one for me and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Lovely isn't it?

So today, tell your partner something nice, something truthful. And if you're still on your own, no partner to mess with your head, just tell yourself something nice and truthful too...

….. love just is.

Am I love you. :-)

psssttt...... who gets to decide the Garden Wedding and a long honeymoon period anyway?

eeeeee................