The progress

Not that anyone care but let me write.

I am feeling much better from.., was it two weeks  ago?. Sleeping is still a problem, I am now on stilnox but no more experiencing hallucination.

But.

I am still not ready to meet anyone *other than the usual people that I am currently meeting*. I am eager to blog, write and  reply emails and comments. Thanks peeps for writing them. :)

I get panic and anxious over small things –  being late, when I am alone, too many peeps crowding and loud voices. I mean not that I used to love them but it was tolerable before but now I will get this panic attack that will cause me to vomit.

Oh yes, I did, several time.

I easily lose my patience lately. I used to avoid arguments but now, there’s like fire raging.

Suicidal thoughts? Never –  good.

Tendency to hurt myself?  Sometimes – but I managed to avoid doing it.

Ok, let’s go outside and smoke.

You have a lighter please?

Ha ha ha ha……..

Aku ni memang jenis kelamkabut. ( These happened during the peak of my illness).

It was, first time that I saw an African p******trist. I was telling him about how I feel when I started crying.

He pulled out tissues from a dispenser . I don't need  toilet paper? He handed them to me.

(Aku pandang tissue tu dan muka aku mula berkerut. Tissue toilet? Kleenex tak ada ke?)

And I said, “it’s ok Doc., I have my own tissue”

(Sambil mengambil sepeket kleenex dari dalam bag aku)

The doc looked at me with a straight face…..

(Dia bagaikan berkata  “WTFFFFFFFFF? Kau tu dahla sakit, sempat lagi nak memilih!” Maksudnya, boleh tak fokus pada masalah kau dari memikirkan hal bongok seperti jenis tissue?)

Hmmmm….. what to do, that’s me.

I was also diagnosed with a stomach problem and I thought it was not that bad but Doc. didn’t think so.

(Kerana aku dah beberapa hari tak berak so he prescribed me pills and laxative. Walaupun mild, tiba-tiba aku terasa nak terkincit.)

I was already on drugs since few days, and there are bars around my bed and each time I need to use the toilet, I have to press the button to call the nurse.

(Bayangkan azabnya aku nak menahan kincit dalam keadaan high sambil menunggu bantuan nurse, aku bukan berak keras boleh tahan-tahan. Dahla tengah high, macamana nak kemut kuat-kuat).

I told the nurse I don’t want any laxative.

When she asked why, I answered..

‘I don’t want to soil my underwear!’

(Bila ingat balik terasa sangat malu tapi aku memang jenis  suka memalukan diri sendiri. Bilakah agaknya aku akan jadi seorang yang compose dan cool?)

Haihhhhh.