I have forgiven....

“In the name of Allah the most gracious and most merciful.” 

An utterance of faith in one omnipotent God, declared all around the world by Muslims before committing even the simplest of deeds. The utterance which been taken for granted by many, paying attention only to wet their lips with names of Allah but no attention paid to really understand and embracing their meanings by heart. 

Allah is ar-Rahim, The root r-h-m also indicates womb; meaning that which provides protection ... (Also written as al-rahim, al-raheem, ar-rahim, ar-raheem.

Most Merciful: most Beneficent, the most Gracious. Allah, God of all things living and not, does not discriminate according to blood, family-line, religion, and yes, including race, in awarding His bountiful wealth to a person deserving of what he had worked for.

Human beings are created by God from sounding clay, in an array of tones from dark to fair, not for us to shout our claims kindness belongs to whom, but to appreciate the differences in us as the glue that has been keeping human relationship from falling apart as God prefers not for one group to feel above another by what granted to them, except only of humility.

I ask of you now with laden grace. Kindly examine your life of every kind of hatred, jealousy, stubbornness, distrust, severity, greed, and violence deliberately investing deep in your heart ….

and …..

to those who have been eating the cili padis, are you too arrogant to defy kindness in any forms?

Leave me be…..

For now I have forgiven all of you.....
and myself.  

Thank you....

For the rest of you people of the earth who have access to the internet and currently reading this blog...

I thank you.

Gudnite Am.

More than before..

In the game of love, I will never stand any chance to win. No matter how sweet it seemed at first, it never ended well. Not even close to 'well'. 

Yes. You loved again. You wear your heart out on your sleeve. You want to love him more than he does love you. You want him to feel secure. You will never hurt him in any ways possible. You want him to know that you will never ever ever ever ever ever ever leave, no matter what. 

So you let your heart wins over your head.

This time I am really wrenched. 
More than before. 

let go

And they say we gotta have a clean slate for us to start everything new. Forgive the sunset and wait for the night to pass so that we would see another sunrise. 
Forgiveness is the scent that a jasmine petal sheds underneath a heel that crushes it. 

Let go. 


LET GO.


 

Misery

I  know not what to do anymore, I have been competing with myself for a while but my good can never be good enough for him. 

All that I touch will eventually crumble down.  Even curses can be undone.

So for now I will be cringing, shrinking  and digging  myself a hole to stay there for awhile.

And  keep some words to myself. Until the right words come  and I become strong enough to patch them into proper understandable sentences, I shall be sitting here toying over my life's greatest misery.

I was exposed,,,

A long lost IRC friend somehow viewed my Fb profile and contacted me. I was exposed~~

We used to chat when I was in Form 5. Then I became an addict, addicted to Internet back there.

We got chatting and I was surprised to find out that those we paired ( when we love to pair each other and almost everyone in the list  with someone we know) are mostly separated. I should say were. 

But a few still stay together after all these fickle years.

He was asking me questions regarding the love like state of my life now, I guess some of my remark put him to this question:

"You had been disappointed in your love?"

Hey wait a sec... I did not make an apparent remark like "Men sucks" or "Love is only a chemical reaction trigger by lust".

I just laughed (if you can described this :D a laugh) and replied.

"You are asking a question which everybody would reply "Yes" to ."

It is just a known fact that it do not required any explanations. Any type of love from all kinds of peoples of all different walks of life , we will learn a lesson.

To some it's a bitter pill to swallow.

It makes me wanna compose 5 tragic love stories).

 Let me see if I have the time and energy to do it. Try to guess which is true. 

Losing..

We talked …. yesterday. Mostly about me....him.

We been silenced since…. was it three months ma?

Yeah… didn’t even made any attempt to call her since she flew back to La Xara .

But now….she made me cry the whole morning…….

I asked myself whether moving will be a good choice. And I am fully aware that after a woman becomes a wife, her responsibly and loyalty is ….to her husband.

Things were not so bad before but when she told me herself that news, I…..

I know I have lost the battle…..

Hey ....

Dear you,

I wept so hard last night but I had to stop crying when I heard my pillows started screaming  at me, demanded me to stop weeping  or else they'd drown. 

I dont care.
let me drown with you guys.... 

I dont care if my eyeballs pop out. 
I dont care if I look like I have just rubbed soap into my eyes when I wake up next morning. 
Im broken......
damaged 
and all of the equivalent.

Why You

What happen that night? 

I am running away , afraid that my actions will injure many. It's as always, happiness running along the beach of Sugar Wreck but I wanted to disscociate,  the hate at their slightest / unnecessary actions and attitude. Everybody seemed at fault. Not to mention my anger that was easily spurred by anything, 

I'm becoming more ridiculous.

It' my fault of being surrounded by loathsome people, or is it my mental state being at it's worse? I am happy for something a minute and i hate it to the guts at the next. I hate you!. 

Why felt deserted, and betrayed for no reason, or perhaps there were mere thought in my head.

I carry too much weight of the world on my shoulders.....lol, filling all of them into my brain, contained all the emotions in my heart, bearing them within me- alone.

i am stressed right now. 

Literally, and i dont even know what i am writing.

Why You......!!

 

 

 

leave them be

Religion decrees its wrong in having sex out of wedlock. Morally, well, it depends on which part of the world we're in really or who you are with at this moment

And she's with the man with the thought on the anything goes.

I am speculating that it was in her adult capacity, and an informed one at that, when she turned to whoring. Spite, vengeance, deliberate liberation, quick money, acknowledging her sexuality, late teen angst, rioting against the parents... whatever her reasons, it would be logical to assume that she feels that she had to do something about it. .

I say, leave her be.

Its a phase.

Leave her be.

 And maybe she desperately need his money to survive.

In fact, I need the money more to survive too!

Haha~

Fogy ol....

I remember a cousin who asked me, “if your husband wanted to take another wife, what would you do?”

The answer coming from me was swift and sincere; “I filed a divorce”

And all my other cousins roared with laughter. ( I don’t find it funny)

Not that I have anything against guys taking four wives. He has to be sincere and has the strength to be fair to all  parties involved ( please includes the children too) with the backings of a sound strong religious background and is actually helping the poor and abandoned ladies with children….

…….sounds great to me.

Another friend shared with me an old fogy well to do old geezer who wish to take on polygamy.

Quoting the old fogy geezer : “I provide well for the whole family and I feel  like sharing my wealth with others outside the family circle”.

(i.e to start a new family with another woman = kawen lagi satu la. And he is considering the young, virgin ladies ONLY.)

So she pointed out to the old geezer that if he were to observe the Prophet's sunnah he has to consider poor ladies abandoned by  husbands or ladies whose husbands had passed on because basically these ladies are deeply in need of his wealth sharing. 

Old geezer shot a grin (termalu la tu) added, “I am thinking of mualafs so that I can guide them in their new found religion”.

And I ask my friend,” A young virgin mualaf like you?”.

Hahahahahaha…..

Malay men see polygamy as a privilege..(betol tak?)  A credit is a privilege too. And both have one similarity, a RESPONSIBILITY. The more you add on to your credit, the more interest is credited into your monthly bill.

Having to menjawab for your mother and sisters I think is tough enough, and then having to menjawab for your four wives and daughters ... Sure as death I'll be biding my time in hell if I can’t be fair to all. If I am a man la...so that's one plus point of being born a lady. J

It's my unfair impression that men who take on more wives are only after the fun part of it. Truthfully speaking, this is what I see here.

Old dude, fed up with the aging  and boring wife, thinking time and again to add on a trophy wife, and goes all out to seek one. The idea seem delicious, and might be the answer to his aging wife's woes, but does it really solve whatever is wrong within the first marriage?

I guess, before jumping into the marriage wagon, we owe ourselves and our future partner the answer to this question: Why am I getting married?  Find a sincere answer to this…., 

My two sen…..

Hi....

You know who you are....

I miss those moments I had to jump up my comfortable bed to answer your calls. I miss the missing heartbeats when I saw a few missed calls afraid that they were from you and miss the chances talking to you even if it was just for exchanging a few silly pointless texts.

I was not to throw my heart to see where it lands.  So there goes…. and knowing the fact you will never look my way again does not dampen my spirit.

We talked crap, a lot. It is pathetic how I was always bringing out the best in me, because I wanted to impress you. I am not sure if you were ever impressed.

With whom did you share your sunshine? I was not the one but I am contented to seeing you smiling from a distance. I was such an emotional dustbin, when happy, sad, angry, or even frustrated.

When I had nothing better to do than to sit at my writing table while glancing at the stars  each night wondering if you had ever think of me as much as I do of you. I do miss you a lot. It is not that I am avoiding you now. I don't want to answer your calls, I could not afford to do that. I know I'll miss your voice, our crazy conversations and jokes for a gazillion years to come.

 It is pathetic when I am still thinking of you now and then. And it is funny how hello ends with goodbye, good memories making me cry and forever has to last.

This is more than pathetic. I'm stopping this right now.  But I see you have a good new relationship with your new girl. Don't lie, I know you're happy.

Super power...

Wives have this special radar sensing to detect the unusual behavior of the husbands – be it good or bad just by reading their body language or oral spoken. Often the husband will regard this intuition as imagination, accusation and “all women fond of creating drama-in real life” but most of their detection are true.

“How does my wife know things I have been hiding from her” ask a male friend.

Well…..they just knew.

My MIL said, “Each time your dad walks in the front door of our house after work I just knew……..” It took her a few days later to prove her intuition were right. She refers them the super power in a woman…oh gosh :)

My cousin on the other hand told me when I was at her mom’s house visiting one day… when her husband called, asking whether she wants him to buy some mutton soup and she said ‘No” but he came home with mutton soup..

“You bought the soup before you called me right dear?” she asked

The husband grinned back at her.

.I asked,“ how did you know?

“What he does …are all in my head” she said.

Hahahaaa……..

I think women have a very strong intuition and their observation sharp. They may not know exactly what is going on but they definitely could sense something is going on.  

(kau cabut bulu hidung pun wife kau perasanlah kata kawan aku laa…bukan aku yg kata)

Intuition or sixth sense is something many of us rely on for snap judgments and are often a factor of life altering decisions. A 2008 study in the British Journal of Pshycology defined intuition as what happens when the brain draws on past experiences and external cues to make a decision -- but it happens so fast that the reaction is at an unconscious level.

Just like the brain, there are neurotransmitters in the gut that can respond to environmental stimuli and emotions in the now -- it's not just about past experiences. When those neurotransmitters fire, you may feel the sensation of "butterflies" or uneasiness in your stomach.

 Researchers theorize that "gut instinct," which sends signals to your brain, plays a large role in intuition…..

Hmmmmmm…..

When the lioness roar....

I am confident I can do this but I can’t omit the vulnerable and weak feeling I am having inside me sometimes. The urge is strong to be there again and why not, this is not my first Africa assignment but I do get cold feet now and then, I simply can’t totally forget the scene I saw of a teenage girl being raped by… during my six months stint there over a year ago. That was the first time I set my feet on African soil. I can’t just close my eyes and pretend that it never happened……

Some questions my decision why I took this assignment while others are supportive. Some are in denial but giving me assurance nonetheless. Some are reluctant to let me go. 

But....I belief, only I know why I decided to take this assignment. It is really difficult to explain to others. 

Mobility of staff in this industry is very rapid. Lots of people get transferred, sent for assignments, attachments, trainings all around the globe and I am one of the frequent one with first rate chance aim at.. 

ALLAH has great plan for me. Yes, indeed.

The email came two days ago... it’s gonna be a twelve months attachment in a joint operating company in South Sudan. I am ready to take up this challenge after a four months break after the six month stint in Mauritania. 

This will be my fourth trip to Africa, this time it’s Juba South Sudan. Most of us have never heard of this place, I know. Me neither.

Google.

It is not a holiday-type of place. Nobody would ever plan to go there unless it's work related. 

There are about thirty Malaysian already working there, no ladies.

So I will be the only Malaysian lady there.

When the lioness ROAR…J

Oh yea….

"Listen" is a soul-R&B song; its lyrics make reference to tenacity, love, the refusal to defer dreams and finally rise towards fame...."Listen" was released as the lead single from the soundtrack album Dreamgirls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4gimHC7fKs

Listen 

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened, there is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard
They will not be pushed aside on words
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net -]
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own, my own

Songwriter(s):Anne Preven, Scott Cutler, Beyonce Knowles, Henry Krieger, Cyndi Lauper

Does it still hurt?

I am listening to a few back years old songs now. The Indonesian songs that I have stopped/banned listening for some times. I don't hate them. Nope. I just don't listen to them anymore because most are just too painful for me. 

Why do I begin to tune in to these songs again lately? The songs that could make me feel like my heart is breaking to little pieces before?. I honestly don't know. Maybe to check if it's still painful even after I am married.

Being married does not make your past disappear. I resent the perception of being married, that you have to be a dutiful, perfect little wife with forgotten past. Or that your life is complete when you have a perfect family and you need to be unmarked in sins. 

Isn't life about improvements, finding amendments, trying to see what works and what joys bring you or how you can bring joy for the family. You do not get there at once. Excepts for some lucky people but for most, it's a journey to reach to a certain stage of piety, happiness, acceptance, forgiveness.  

I am rambling because I am listening to some past songs that I associate with my past love. 

So does the songs still hurt? Does the thudding ache still there? The feeling like you can't breathe, like you have problem trying to exhale properly?

Would you wanna know? 

It hurts...

The pain of not having who you want was eased by being able to at least be near him for an hour....a minute?

Exchange ideas or jokes.
I have stopped myself.

From hoping, from denial. 

It hurts like hell. It still does sometimes, but not as much anymore.

You’ll get through this. You are doing what is best for yourself.

Yes, you got hurt caring too much. 

That’s part of being human.

I don’t know if I can be friends with him after all this.

You don’t have to.

But I want to.

I know you do.

The Evil Stepmother From Cinder

I have a stepdaughter. She is smart, hardworking and beautiful…..half Spanish and a good swimmer too. We joke about me being the evil stepmother. In fact, the joke is that I am the Evil Stepmother from Cinder. Actually, Sarah and I do pretty good together. But the truth is that all stepmothers are evil. It is the nature of the relationship. It is, as far as I can tell, an unavoidable fact of step relationship.

I pack her lunches, go over her homework with her and tell her to eat her veges the same way I treated Billy my son, or I'm neglecting her. After all, Sarah needs someone to take her homework seriously. She needs to be told to get her shoes on when it's time for school.  

But she already has her mom, and I'm not her mom, and no matter how deserving or undeserving she is or I am, I never will be biological mom. She knows it, I know it. Sarah was excited when her dad marry me. When I came over I was company, it was fun so is for Billy. But real life was her mom with her dad. Marriage stopped that and to some similar situation children will think that is an evil act..

What's worse for the child is that they have already lost most of one parent. Now someone else is laying claim on the remaining parent. But when I marry her dad her mom has passed on to cancer.

 I'm a book person and bought books about being a stepmother.  
Becoming a stepmother redefined who I am, and nothing I did could resist that inexorable redefining. I suppose motherhood redefines who you are.

My relationship with Sarah is good, so much better than the relationships described in all those books. She is happier, healthier, more behaved child than she was before. People complimented me on what a fine job I had done.

One day Sarah said angrily that I treated Billy better than I treated her. I hug  and I kiss her on the forehead, on the nose and I am careful about how I touch her. I suspect that the call from child protective services is the nightmare of every step parent. But after her comment I began to ruffle her hair the way I ruffle Billi’s. I rubbed her back. and occasionally gave her a treat, the way I occasionally gave Billi.

It has made all the difference. Sarah is almost twelve.  Speaking from the land of the step parent, I tell you, this business of being evil is hard the hardest thing I have ever done.

And…..

She knows that I love her with all my heart.