Super power...

Wives have this special radar sensing to detect the unusual behavior of the husbands – be it good or bad just by reading their body language or oral spoken. Often the husband will regard this intuition as imagination, accusation and “all women fond of creating drama-in real life” but most of their detection are true.

“How does my wife know things I have been hiding from her” ask a male friend.

Well…..they just knew.

My MIL said, “Each time your dad walks in the front door of our house after work I just knew……..” It took her a few days later to prove her intuition were right. She refers them the super power in a woman…oh gosh :)

My cousin on the other hand told me when I was at her mom’s house visiting one day… when her husband called, asking whether she wants him to buy some mutton soup and she said ‘No” but he came home with mutton soup..

“You bought the soup before you called me right dear?” she asked

The husband grinned back at her.

.I asked,“ how did you know?

“What he does …are all in my head” she said.

Hahahaaa……..

I think women have a very strong intuition and their observation sharp. They may not know exactly what is going on but they definitely could sense something is going on.  

(kau cabut bulu hidung pun wife kau perasanlah kata kawan aku laa…bukan aku yg kata)

Intuition or sixth sense is something many of us rely on for snap judgments and are often a factor of life altering decisions. A 2008 study in the British Journal of Pshycology defined intuition as what happens when the brain draws on past experiences and external cues to make a decision -- but it happens so fast that the reaction is at an unconscious level.

Just like the brain, there are neurotransmitters in the gut that can respond to environmental stimuli and emotions in the now -- it's not just about past experiences. When those neurotransmitters fire, you may feel the sensation of "butterflies" or uneasiness in your stomach.

 Researchers theorize that "gut instinct," which sends signals to your brain, plays a large role in intuition…..

Hmmmmmm…..

When the lioness roar....

I am confident I can do this but I can’t omit the vulnerable and weak feeling I am having inside me sometimes. The urge is strong to be there again and why not, this is not my first Africa assignment but I do get cold feet now and then, I simply can’t totally forget the scene I saw of a teenage girl being raped by… during my six months stint there over a year ago. That was the first time I set my feet on African soil. I can’t just close my eyes and pretend that it never happened……

Some questions my decision why I took this assignment while others are supportive. Some are in denial but giving me assurance nonetheless. Some are reluctant to let me go. 

But....I belief, only I know why I decided to take this assignment. It is really difficult to explain to others. 

Mobility of staff in this industry is very rapid. Lots of people get transferred, sent for assignments, attachments, trainings all around the globe and I am one of the frequent one with first rate chance aim at.. 

ALLAH has great plan for me. Yes, indeed.

The email came two days ago... it’s gonna be a twelve months attachment in a joint operating company in South Sudan. I am ready to take up this challenge after a four months break after the six month stint in Mauritania. 

This will be my fourth trip to Africa, this time it’s Juba South Sudan. Most of us have never heard of this place, I know. Me neither.

Google.

It is not a holiday-type of place. Nobody would ever plan to go there unless it's work related. 

There are about thirty Malaysian already working there, no ladies.

So I will be the only Malaysian lady there.

When the lioness ROAR…J

Oh yea….

"Listen" is a soul-R&B song; its lyrics make reference to tenacity, love, the refusal to defer dreams and finally rise towards fame...."Listen" was released as the lead single from the soundtrack album Dreamgirls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4gimHC7fKs

Listen 

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

You should have listened, there is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard
They will not be pushed aside on words
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net -]
Into your own all 'cause you won't
Listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own, my own

Songwriter(s):Anne Preven, Scott Cutler, Beyonce Knowles, Henry Krieger, Cyndi Lauper

Does it still hurt?

I am listening to a few back years old songs now. The Indonesian songs that I have stopped/banned listening for some times. I don't hate them. Nope. I just don't listen to them anymore because most are just too painful for me. 

Why do I begin to tune in to these songs again lately? The songs that could make me feel like my heart is breaking to little pieces before?. I honestly don't know. Maybe to check if it's still painful even after I am married.

Being married does not make your past disappear. I resent the perception of being married, that you have to be a dutiful, perfect little wife with forgotten past. Or that your life is complete when you have a perfect family and you need to be unmarked in sins. 

Isn't life about improvements, finding amendments, trying to see what works and what joys bring you or how you can bring joy for the family. You do not get there at once. Excepts for some lucky people but for most, it's a journey to reach to a certain stage of piety, happiness, acceptance, forgiveness.  

I am rambling because I am listening to some past songs that I associate with my past love. 

So does the songs still hurt? Does the thudding ache still there? The feeling like you can't breathe, like you have problem trying to exhale properly?

Would you wanna know? 

It hurts...

The pain of not having who you want was eased by being able to at least be near him for an hour....a minute?

Exchange ideas or jokes.
I have stopped myself.

From hoping, from denial. 

It hurts like hell. It still does sometimes, but not as much anymore.

You’ll get through this. You are doing what is best for yourself.

Yes, you got hurt caring too much. 

That’s part of being human.

I don’t know if I can be friends with him after all this.

You don’t have to.

But I want to.

I know you do.

The Evil Stepmother From Cinder

I have a stepdaughter. She is smart, hardworking and beautiful…..half Spanish and a good swimmer too. We joke about me being the evil stepmother. In fact, the joke is that I am the Evil Stepmother from Cinder. Actually, Sarah and I do pretty good together. But the truth is that all stepmothers are evil. It is the nature of the relationship. It is, as far as I can tell, an unavoidable fact of step relationship.

I pack her lunches, go over her homework with her and tell her to eat her veges the same way I treated Billy my son, or I'm neglecting her. After all, Sarah needs someone to take her homework seriously. She needs to be told to get her shoes on when it's time for school.  

But she already has her mom, and I'm not her mom, and no matter how deserving or undeserving she is or I am, I never will be biological mom. She knows it, I know it. Sarah was excited when her dad marry me. When I came over I was company, it was fun so is for Billy. But real life was her mom with her dad. Marriage stopped that and to some similar situation children will think that is an evil act..

What's worse for the child is that they have already lost most of one parent. Now someone else is laying claim on the remaining parent. But when I marry her dad her mom has passed on to cancer.

 I'm a book person and bought books about being a stepmother.  
Becoming a stepmother redefined who I am, and nothing I did could resist that inexorable redefining. I suppose motherhood redefines who you are.

My relationship with Sarah is good, so much better than the relationships described in all those books. She is happier, healthier, more behaved child than she was before. People complimented me on what a fine job I had done.

One day Sarah said angrily that I treated Billy better than I treated her. I hug  and I kiss her on the forehead, on the nose and I am careful about how I touch her. I suspect that the call from child protective services is the nightmare of every step parent. But after her comment I began to ruffle her hair the way I ruffle Billi’s. I rubbed her back. and occasionally gave her a treat, the way I occasionally gave Billi.

It has made all the difference. Sarah is almost twelve.  Speaking from the land of the step parent, I tell you, this business of being evil is hard the hardest thing I have ever done.

And…..

She knows that I love her with all my heart.

Worms...

The thought of having worms inside my body is quite absurd/unreasonable but  I saw one.. long, thin worm in the toilet bowl after I…...erghh!

Oh my God! Can you imagine how terrified I was. Worms? I have worms!   
There must be few families breeding inside me by now…..Could they be roundworm, hookworm whipworm or the most common parasitic…the pinworm?

It must have come from the street food I ate while traveling since sometime both Zoul and I will simply eat food that were sold in carts by the roadside hawkers.  (He unleashed another part of me I never knew existed…..hissh.)

When I told Zoul about the worms, he suggested I take Z***tel. So he bought me a small box of  Z***tel but realized that I have to take two tablets for three consecutive days. Consuming only one prescription will not be strong enough to kill the parasitic worms.

Anyway Zoul said that he had taken the natural parasite cleanse (herbs) a week after we came back from the Sudan mission and he did make me take some to which I can’t recall.

 The last memory of me taking ‘ubang cacing’ was when I was a little kid.

Anyway, the Sudan mission was more than a year ago so, yeah…. no longer valid I guess.

 Today is the second day of the 3 days treatment.

And...... 

The side effect I  am suffering…nauseous and severe headache about half an hour after taking the pills…I do not know whether it was only my imagination……but the pain was intense around my neck… clinging and squeezing sort of thing..

Another day to go and I hope the cleansing process will kill all the infested parasitic worms and all the dead clinging worms will gush out the toilet bowl soon.

(Please do not rot in my intestine instead).

I will be smarter next time… instead of keeping condom in my bag, I shall keep parasite cleansing tablets instead.

Hehehehe…..I am kidding !