Too young......

 I kept it all deep in my heart with such raw emotions such refined feelings as there was no one I could trust and share my quest. As I see the look of innocence in Billi’s eyes, I felt an overwhelming need to protect him from any hurt. 

Billi was then still too young to understand my fears, hopes and expectations. Five years went by and next year Billi will be in school in Year One. – I relaxed a bit. Hence the need to write down the emotions grows and I want Billi to know my heartfelt when his understanding about life expand..


Now I feel that whatever needed to be shared and said – I can say it openly. No longer does the little heart in me do the talking, wishing and hoping. I said it out loud my love, my fears, my hopes and even my pains.


You may read it but not Billi because he is too young to understand..

MCP!!! ego sebesar.......

Tidak ada sebab mengapa kejadian seperti ini boleh berlaku sedangkan kedudukan dia dua level bawah aku. Aku cuma ada 24 jam setiap hari, 8 jam diofis – baki 16jam kalau tak on standby I will be in my cabin or else, aku ada di M in case they need me atau di L check mixing - macamana nak pantau semua kan? Dan apa guna ada unit heads kalau tak boleh micro-manage team dia? Semua nak suruh makcik ni sorang buat? pitam tau. Each staff should self manage diri mereka sendiri. Apa guna kita adakan job description tp masih kena check their progress from time to time.  Macam budak kecik…..

Ada juga staf dah umur boleh masuk skim pencen tapi sikap dan perangai macam bebudak, perlukan perhatian/pantauan. Dah tua patut selari dengan pengalaman tak perlu pemantauan dan perhatian kan?  Tapi ini kisah benar, see… how insecure some people can be.

Jadi bila seorang staf aku bertindak di luar kewarasan (dalam context kerja) atau "lawan tokei", aku memilih untuk tidak melenting tapi ambil jalan berdiam diri. Sebab? In the first place dia tak ada hak nak mempertikaikan bidang dan tugas aku. ( lu sapa? wa sapa?). Kalau nak question jugak silakan, tapi biar betul cara penyampaian dan hamburan - which in my company policy boleh saja aku report as insubordination.

Aku sama sekali tidak akan layan mana-mana staf yg bermasaalah menyuarakan rasa tak puas hati melalui email dan kalau kau rasa betul datang jumpa aku dan bincang secara direct.

Dalam kedudukan aku sekarang, aku perlu melihat keseluruhan projek from a macro point of view and at a bigger picture tapi aku tau dia melihat sesuatu perkara itu dari perspektif yang berbeza dan terus melenting dalam perkara-perkara remeh. Rakan sejawat naik tension sebab aku buat derk saja (Zul…biar aku solve this matter ikut cara aku) dan aku tahu mamat tu was peeing in his pants waiting for my reaction. Jenis yang nak provoke ajak gaduh style kanak-kanak.

Dia tak berani berdepan dengan aku. Aku no hal seronok dapat main mind games with him tapi semalam aku terpaksa panggil dia masuk dengan boss dia sekali. Nyata segala telahan aku benar. Dia takut. Tapi tunjuk berani. Gangster kunun…..gangster ta** kucin…

Ingatkan nak terus issue warning tapi aku bagi dia peluang cakap, luahkan segala isi hati dia. Untuk aku, it was an eye-opening experience , tak sangka that some people can be so psychologically affected even at older age. Terkejut aku, sebab tu ada orang boleh jadi General, dan yang lain jadi prebet. Some people set the strategy dan some people carry them out.

Dan aku juga surprised dengan diri aku sendiri. Ikutkan I don't need troublemakers in my department but strange enough, I find myself counselling him. Mamat ini kurang kasih sayang agaknya. Konsep appreciation pada dia berbeza dengan cara aku. Jadi, aku ada dua option: nak ikut kehendak dia or kena bagi dia tengok situasi dari perspektif yang berbeza.

I chose the latter.

Selama lebih satu jam aku counsel and explain mostly pasal psychology. Dia kena ubah mentaliti dan mindset dia kalau dia nak berjaya. How to look at life secara optimistic. Explain dengan panjang lebar hal kerja. Kenapa management buat begini, kenapa aku cakap begitu. Kenapa dia kena buat gini, begitu.

Kalau ikutkan, mana aku ada masa nak layan mentaliti macam ini, as an employee kau kena ada initiative. Dan aku juga bagitahu dia pasal line of communication, levels of authority (lainkali jangan lawan tokei, tak puas hati, cakap but in proper forum). Aku anjurkan dia belajar anger management untuk atasi panas baran dia.

Aku explain pasal perspective - siap cerita pasal lima orang buta dgn seekor gajah in the land of the blind sama macam aku bercerita pada Billi anak aku- bagaimana lima mamat buta, looking at things from their perspective whilst I, the sighted manager who look at the whole picture based on the different perspectives. The one-eyed king. Itu la aku…hehehe

.

Pagi tadi, dia masuk bilik aku, tak sangka nak minta maaf, terkejut aku sebab setahu aku ego dia sebesar bontot kerbau.

Dan aku terus terlupa nak issue warning ,,,,,.

Baik gak rupanya aku nih ek....

Is it her first love story or first love?

She declared, "Ika cinta dekat Shafiq"(I love Shafiq) but she is only a six year old girl…. 
and she  has learnt to L O V E already?? I don't realize that children grow up so fast these days…… 

Shafiq is my 22 year old brother and Syah is his girlfriend. Ika is Syah’s six year old sister. Ika first met Syafiq when we were in Penang to pay our last respect on her aunty’s burial day. Since then, Ika kept mentioning my brother’s name and asking about him many times. 

"Kak Syah, Ika nak RAMPAS abang Syafiq dari Kak Syah"

(I want to steal Syafiq from you  said Ika to her 20 year old sister Syah) 

Owh….

"Ika  CINTA dekat  abg Shafiq. Dia pun kata dia CINTA dekat Ika..."                                                                                                                                                                                   (I love Syafiq and he loves me too)

It seems like, this is 'love' at first sight for Ika (Atika).

I met her again when we were in Penang for my cousin wedding and had this conversation with her…..

Me: CINTA tu apa Ika? (What is Cinta?)

She : CINTA tu "I LOVE YOU" lah. (Cinta is …I love you)

Me: LOVE tu apa?  (What is Love?)

She: LOVE tu kissing lah. (Love is kissing…)

 I was speechless.

She kept asking if Shafiq would be coming for the wedding. Syafiq turned up 2 hours later. Syah and I kept it a secret to surprise her. She was surprised, indeed. When she saw Shafiq came through the gate, she was all smiles... practically grinning ear-to-ear. . 

I wonder if she felt the same as how I first had my crush during my younger years.(Was it puppy love?) The blushings, the cold feet, the loud thumping heartbeats, the clumsiness when the eyes met... and the list goes on. Didn't we all go through the same experience? Didn't we all once have this kind of feeling at one point of time?

Ika never left him out of her view, kept him in her radar all the time. Syafiq knew of her little 'crush' over him and he willingly entertained her childlike conduct.  Anyway she is just a child. Maybe what she wanted was the brotherhood love.

Her mother told Syah not to let her kept bugging Syafiq. 

"Kang, dia cakap 'I Love You' dekat Syafiq tu... malu ja. Gatai~~", said Mak Teh.                                               (It would be an embarrassing situation if suddenly she outrightly said, I love you to Syafiq)

Laughter broke the scene in the kitchen between us.

Ika was so happy and cheerful tagging alongside Syafiq.

(Iskk .. iskk ..  Tengok lah. Siap pegang-pegang tangan lagi. Ala, perbezaan umur Datuk Sti dengan Datuk K pun dalam 19 tahun. So apa lah sangat kalau Ika a 6-year-old girl digandingkan dengan  Syafiq a 22-year-old guy? Baru 16 tahun difference... ok apa)
Ahaks!

When Ika is 20, Syafiq will be 36…..16 yrs difference in their ages. Yours truly is in similar situation too… but he is 18 years older.    Hmmmm…….When I was 20 he was 38.

So, is this her First Love Story or her First Love?

Mama head is spinning.....

Billi:Please, Mama, please....please  pleeeeease

Yes, that request came again when he visited me in HCMC last month. Billi has been lobbying me big time for a baby. He tried to reason with me that one is not a nice number and that if there are two (including him) and the 2nd happens to be a girl, “Everything will be so…… nice” he said.

Billi : When are you marrying uncle Zul ma? so that I can have a sister?

Me: Speechless.

Billi: Mama…….

Me: Hmmm….

Billi: I have even thought of a name for her 

Me: Let's hear it then.

(his face lit up as he sensed that maybe I was beginning to buy his sale's speech)

Billi: Yasyuen (beaming from ear to ear )

....I think that's a pretty cute name. (it was Aiesya before I left for NT and Gayatri before that!)

I started reasoning with him why we are not going to have another member in the family, carefully putting my words as gentle as possible, secretly hoping that he will totally forget the whole idea.

It was one gummy situation for me because Billi does not give up very easily.

Billi: My friends in school, have many children staying in one house but I am alone mama.

Me: I'll see whether the local supermarket have a baby girl for sale. I’ll get you one.

Billi: But mama…

Me: Shhhhh……mama head is spinning. Go to bed now.

(hehehehe.........)

I wish it was not mine....

Breaking up is never easy for a woman,(I refer to yours truely). I do not know about you guys, perhaps men do not get hurt that much. For they have their pride and ego to shield the pain. Well, I might be wrong.

What happen during a break up? Yes, I cried on the phone, in the shower, in my sleep. No strength to even look at him.(how could i avoided him since we are involved in the same field work), Somehow I tried my level best not to talk to him. I don’t really care if others may wonder how two people who had been in love opted not to talk to each other.  No more friends just because the spark has died out? That is not true in our case…..we are FORCED a part...(sounds mean....but that's the fact)

I move on. If he attempted to start a casual conversation I will excuse myself and leave. We specifically talk only on job assignments. I have a valid reason for keeping mum even it is very impolite to simply ignore someone who has been a part of me, no matter how much pain I am enduring, especially during those family holidays/weddings when I have to put up with his presence. (Our relationship was like a simple maths when it started three years ago where 2+2=4. Suddenly shit happened where 2+2 becomes a variable.., the simple maths which look sooo simple turned out not to be as simple as we thought)

This was just part and parcel of being in love. Love is bitter sweet. It feels like I am being knocked pretty bad by a bus and ran down by an LRT when we broke up. Still, I make myself susceptible to it. Why?

Yes it was me crying in the darkness last night, trying hard to ignore the pain. It was because of the hurt, my body and brain failed to function. 
Love makes me so vulnerable...   
(I wish it was not mine).


NOTE

If you love someone because you think that he or she is really gorgeous...

Then it's not love..

it's - Infatuation. ..

If you love someone because you think that you shouldn't leave him because others think that you shouldn't... Then it's not love..
it's - 
If you love someone because you think that you cannot live with out his touch....
Then it's not love.
it's - Lust...
If you love someone because you have been kissed by him...
Then it's not love..
it's - Inferiority Complex...
If you love someone because you cannot leave him thinking that it would hurt his feelings..
Then it's not love..
it's - Charity...
If you love someone because you share every thing with him... 
Then it's not love..
it's - Friendship.. .

But if you feel the pain of the other person more than him even when he is stable

And you cry for him..

that's - LOVE...

Bila siulan ombak tak lagi kedengaran...

kelu malam degup persoalan
rembulan jadi bimbang
sembunyi jauh di awangan
siulan ombak tidak kedengaran
semua jadi bisu kebingungan

sayup terdengar siulan angin
berdesing memberi amaran
rintik hujan mula kedengaran

aku yang sering dibuai ketakutan 
tersedar dr ulitan mimpi
terjaga oleh panahan perasaan 
terdiam dlm dakapan rindu

dan tangisan yg tak berkesudahan……

-aku yang aku-

Bibik......

Bibik came to work for us four years ago when Billi was two yrs old. We decided to let her go home on the 12th March, three days before I left for Nha Trang. We had a long conversation and decided that if a choice is to be made, she should give priorities to look after her sick mother and her children... and I will always manage to find a replacement. Whether it will be somebody as good and trustworthy as her, is totally a different case altogether.

We have always find it difficult to use the terms *maid*, *orang gaji* or * servante*. It doesn’t sound right so *Bibik* seems ok and acceptable but sometimes i refer her as my DA (domestic assistant) and she would smile after I explained to her what it means! Bik has a good sense of humour and I really love that.

Bik is a part of our family. Wherever we were on family outing/hols, we took her along. Whatever we ate, she ate, but she refused to eat with us in the dining. She has always wanted to eat in the kitchen on her own when everybody else has eaten.  

Glancing at Bik eating alone one day I realized she is more comfortable to eat in the kitchen on her own and from that day onwards I did not nag her anymore. However on Sundays, when everyone in the family are  home, I would insist that we all ate together as a family. Quite a few times, we became the last two to leave the table. As we ate, she would tell me about her family in Bengkulu, about her husband who left her 10 years ago, about her children, her ailing mother and about her future plans for them. In our many talks I realise she very seldom thinks of herself and her well being. 

*Bik... bik nak call anak?* I asked( Do you want to call home)

*Tak payah la Bu'. Duit baru kita hantar*.(No need to call them Bu' I had sent money to them recently)

Sometimes the things that came out from her mouth do not make sense to me immediately but i often understand her line of thoughts later on.

Billi loves her to pieces because she never said NO and she would do everything for him... including those that I ask him to do it himself. Bik annoyed me many times not until I gave a last warning.

“Tanya Mama dulu...Bik takut!”she said when Billi asked for favours. ( Ask your mama first…..I am afraid of her…)

Bik has developed a liking keeping a jar of sweets on the kitchen table. Whenever we go shopping, she would get some of those as part of our household's must-haves. It is Bik's survival kit in a nutshell. 

Billi grumpy......sweets for him.

Billi being good.... sweets for him.

Billi going swimming....sweets for him                                                                                                  (If he refuse to go swimming……. no sweet for him).

...and so on and so forth. In the end, I used my veto power…no more sweets. Before I knew it, she has collected all the sweets and placed them in a jar on top of the kitchen cabinet. That was HER jar ...  So i turned a blind eye to the whole thing. When sometimes she quietly offered sweets to Billi, I pretended not to hear or see. It was THEIR little secrets :)

“Ini bukan perpisahan ya Bu’. Insyaallah panjang umur, murah rejeki kita jumpa lagi”she said. (This is not a farewell...... InsyaAllah we will soon meet again)

I never expected that I would be as sad as I was the day I sent her off at the airport. We both cried and hugged. 

As Billi shouted “Bik! Bik! Kita jumpa lagi, Bik!!!” over and over again, I had trouble holding back my tears.

**This morning I got an email from mama…informing me the passing of Bik’s mother.

Al-Fatihah……

Of Snobbery...

Snobbery  can take on many forms, food, brand, work, music and  even  in friendship. I hate to admit it but I am guilty of some but gradually I am coming  to term and I am discarding  all these negativities as I am  getting the better out of me..

One of my pet peeve (personal hate) is friendship snobbery. All these talk about ….. I am a friend of Tan Sri, Tun, Dato' Seri  son/dotter/wife (wateva). Bullshit …..it drives me up the wall. I might be guilty of mentioning and doing the same but it's just fact-stating and not a form of showing off. Some people will go on and on and namedrop whoever they could just to show off which they think make them look classy  (feel good as well….I guess) and some even stoop so low to get into exclusive clubs or projects….bla bla bla,,,, Pathetic.

One incident:

I was on my way home when this friend of mine let’s call her Miss Sexy frantically and excitedly waves at me so eager to show me  a piece of flyer:

Me:  Kenapa? Flyer latest seminar ker?     

(Wassup?…..Is this the flyer of that latest seminar ? )
Cik Sexy:  Ko tau tak yang jadi Speaker  saper? Yang Mulia Raja beb...  cuba tengok..Ko kenal tak?

(The speaker is bearing a title  with Yang Mulia before his name reflecting that he comes from the royal families)
Me: Sape?Raja Nazrin? Raja Petra? 
Cik Sexy: Err.. Raja Abdullah tak kesahla tapi dia Yang Mulia tau!! Yang Mulia

Me: Hmmmmm……
Turned out it's just some obscure dude with a Raja title. And Cik Sexy thought he is some kind of a celebrity royalty just because of the Yang Mulia.

One more pet peeve is food snobbery. Don't you just hate it when someone says "Oh, I don't eat  of a day leftovers ..." It doesn’t really matter to me…as long as it is refrigerated and being warm up before eating them again the next day or two days after…..(jangan nak membazir makanan)

And please, if you you don't take rice, maybe because its not in your daily diet  don't go "Eowwwww.. Rice?? Oh I stay away from rice, it's fattening" while someone is enjoying their nasi campur (mixed rice) with gusto. That's just plain rude. If you don't eat a certain type of food, and find is disgusting to your taste buds.. just SHUT UP  WILL YA!

“Ko makan sayur jer Nina……nanti cepat mati tau”                                                           ( You are a vegetarian?  You speed to your death Nina…..)
Shiittt......

Macam plak ko yang tentukan bila aku mati.

Tengok  kambing makan sayur je…daging mahal!!!                                                       
heeeeeeeeee…………….

 

Love never leave you....

He hugged me and said "cinta itu memang sgt perkasa, boleh mengukuh dan juga meruntuhkan semua benteng...."    (the power of love is so strong it could either weaken or strengthen any barricade)

When he said that it made me feel sad, it brought a past memory back……

Love is a simple word….Yet it could change you from being the happiest human alive to being lifeless. I have lost a love once and I even lost the feeling of loving myself.

 I was lying on my bed, unenthusiastically and was thinking why do I feel like the world has crumble and how am I supposed to bounce, rise and smile again? I felt  that I don't need to love myself anymore.

If I could just sooth my heart that time, it would not hurt that much. It was because of the hurt, my body and brain failed to function.

 How could I not see someone who has been  watching me from a distance all this while, came to me and reminded me that I did not lose any love at all.

She hugged me and said, “ I love you so much, in fact I have been loving you since you are  still in me.  Please don’t take the love away from me…..please stop tormenting  yourself”

She is my mother. She never stop loving me despite all my flaws, my imperfection. It is such a shame that I thought I lost love. I still have it with me and I know, I will never lose that love even when she is gone.

I luv you mama…..

Of the Birdie and Pinnie

Billi was three when I taught him the word PENIS instead of calling it cuckoo, birdie or winkie  or @&### in Malay.(hahahaha…..malu lak nak tulis). Still in his baby talk he would say pinnie then and does that up till now…

During one of my long leaves, at home, I overheard Aman (his cousin) making comparison of his genitals to his two younger brothers Arman and Erwin. Billi, being 5 years Aman's junior might not comprehend what the brothers were doing. Since then, I caught him several time playing with the lil fellow down there and was worried if  the habit would develop into an annoying sight as he gets older.

 Well, I understand for the male species, no matter how young and inexperienced they are, it is his pride and dignity. It is manhood. Perhaps a woman may shatter a man's ego by belittling his @#%& capabilities/size wateva.  (I am just being honest guys….hehehehe)

Will I get into trouble for being bold here?? Well, I am his mother  trying to implant good manners based on my observation, it can't be wrong, right?

So, I told Billi the exact name to his genital because I am quite disturbed seeing him toying it and I don’t want him confused of that little dangling thing down there. There is no baby name for it and he must be responsible of his actions in regards to it. Don't come to mama, blaming "cuckoo" or "birdie" for being mischievous, thinking that I would forgive it because it is still the little thing. No way Billi, that is your PENIS, you ought to learn what you can and can’t do with it. Treat it with respect no matter how young you are.

Perhaps what upsets me most is to learn that my friend's 13 year old son has one day suggested to his younger sister to experiment the scenes of the 'movies' that their father enjoys watching. This  man makes no effort to hide away his extensive collection of porn from his own growing up kids. 

Do you see how damaging it could be to the kids? And incest is no more a strange issue !!. How will our future generation be if our young ones only have porn in their minds? Of course, sex is NOT a dirty thing, it is the only means for humanity to maintain its existence on Earth. 

No, I am not suggesting anything here, but you may speculate, though. Capturing sexual activities to capitalize on something is inhumane.

YOU ARE MORE THAN WONDERFUL AND I LUV U ...MOM

I have to admit that I am not being a good daughter, I have done so many mistakes for so many times - caught and uncaught, crumple and distort some of mama’s hopes and plans some of  which I had readily agreed, the rest I dispute, oppose and decline. These happened so many times but she never gave up on me. 

Honestly, I would give up on myself if I could which I did once but it was mom who picked me up and helped me to sit straight and told me never to look back again.

You see what I mean?

But early this morning I had a fight with my mom online. Never in my life I walked away from her during any argument, usually I will abide and accept whatever she said ( trust me it  can be very hurtful too)

I felt rotten after that although I keep telling myself hundred times that it was not my fault but still, I felt restless, distress and frustrated.

What if mama won’t forgive me or disown me? What will I do if she loves me no more? My tears drop…..(I wish you could see how unhappy I am mama)

She is my mama, she will forgive me. Like always.

But I just don’t seem to understand the real extant of mother’s love, mama wants me to be independent but still treat me like a child all the time.

I did asked her once in one of our arguments why must she scrutinize and guard me too much despite I was not a teenager anymore (she did that even when I was married to Billi’s daddy]

She said, “When Billi gets older you will know”

Oh, how I hate that answer because obviously that was not the explanation that I was looking for. I guess I will never understand, not until the time comes. But I do know one thing, without mama, everything is nothing.

After the argument, I didn’t have the mood to do anything. I dropped everything I wanted to do but just sit quietly staring into nothing.( Tak tau apsal, semua jadi serba tak kena)

But the moment after we made up, everything is wonderful again.

I know it takes more than a strong person to be a good mom. I mean look at me, how can someone love me unconditionally and tolerate with my mood swings except for mom and bibik…

You are more than wonderful mama and I love you so much.

Silly ol goat....

 

How strange it is that when I finally get the chance to sleep early, I become so frustrated because I just can’t sleep. I start to count sheep and all sorts of everything, exercise deep breathing, read  surahs Kursi, the 3 Quls… think of nice and happy moments and  the list goes on...

Try to read a book and after a few pages, I can’t recall what I have read, Went back to office played poker but the mood was not right. Switched on the tv, nothing interesting ... crappy movies and sitcoms. 

Watched the news channel unhappy with the current news, trails of murders, child abuse, rape reports…..the world is full of misery, unkindness and cruelty. 

God! that made me more depressed. 

 These days it is very difficult to say that this person or that person is bad but when a marriage is on the rock or goes down the pit mostly children will suffer the consequences. I don't want to pass judgement either but it is like butchering the future of the effected children  due to unresolved matters of the adult so called parents.

I know of a married couple, the wife is the kindest woman I could ever imagined. Despite her never ending sacrifices, hubby messed up big time. She easily forgive him Patch up and tried hard to rebuild their life together, picking the broken pieces along the way and gluing them back with selfless acts and thoughts. All because for the love she has for him and all of their seven children. 

... and he mess up again and again

She took him back, suffered in silence. She never believed for a moment that he was of unsound mind but continue to entertain and treated him well. Because of his foolishnessn, the responsibility to support the family (financially) shifted from his shoulder to hers.

Months of staying at home, looking at how his wife struggled to make ends meet, taught him good lesson and he started to function as the bread earner of the family.

5 months later, the wife died of leukimia.

Almost instantly he was left with seven kids and no fixed source of income. Instead of getting a proper job and tending to his kids, he sent them off to stay with their maternal grandmother. The kids were trying to come to term of losing their loving mother, but was badly shaken by unscrupulous attitude of their father with embedded thoughts that  their father wanted to abandon them. Poor, poor kids.

That silly old goat…..

He has been married and divorced more than three times now.

I'm yawning ... old fools bore me to death!

Good night folks…….

I am signing off and log in to dreamland….zzzzzzz